Lost

Chapter 19

                                ELLIE JONES
Last night might not have been romantic, but it was magical in every way possible. I move my hand across the left side of the blanket, trying to feel if Isaiah was still there, only to feel cold emptiness beside me. I shouldn't even be surprised at this point. I get up and fold the blankets to place them back into the box when I hear the familiar clicking of shoes. And not just any shoes, the obnoxiously tall and bold heels of my mum.

"Ellie Jones! Have you completely lost your mind? Not only did you forget to lock the store last night, but you were also in here sleeping with a boy! You better have a good explanation" she scolds. Did she chase him out? I can't believe her. It's not like we were doing anything, we were only sleeping. But of course, that's a mortal sin. God forbid I sleep with a boy next to me.

"I'm sorry about the door mum. But I'm not in the mood to argue with you, and I have a class to go to, so can we please talk about this later?" I ask civilly.

"No. We are settling this right now, don't even think about escaping this conversation," she continues.

"Okay. Let's talk. I'm sorry that you weren't here to do your job. You were out dating and having romantic meals while your daughter is left in here having to tend to your store. Yet she never complains. She also finally makes a friend, which any parent should be rejoicing especially since their daughter has been a social wreck ever since she was a little girl. She then had a conversation with her new friend under the stars and for once in her entire life, she feels happy. She feels relaxed. And it's certainly no thanks to her not just absentee mother, but controlling mother. She then happens to fall asleep with her friend because she's tired from helping her mother out all day and dealing with schoolwork. Yet now, she's being punished and reprimanded for sleeping and forgetting to do one thing." I yell out, all the anger, frustration, unhappiness, and sadness that has been kept inside me was spilling out all at once, and she was the unfortunate receiver of it all. I feel bad for my outburst, but I don't feel sorry. Why should I feel sorry for having feelings? Why should I feel sorry for trying to have a friend? Was it really so wrong of me to wish for something everyone else had and has had? Did it make me less of a perfect daughter?

She covers her mouth, tears dripping onto her insanely expensive shirt. Her face answers all my questions.

"Who are you?" She says through the tears. I can feel my very own tears fall as I wipe them away. I am not even sure who I am at this point. But maybe this is who I am and have been my entire life. A girl who has overwhelming emotions, a girl who has no idea how to manage these emotions, a girl who longs only for some love in her life, and a girl who longs for a friend. Not a woman, not a 19-year-old lady, just a simple girl. The perfect façade my mum helped me put up caged it, and like a wild animal, it was escaping now, and in the worst possible way I could have ever imagined. 

"You forced me to say all of this. I would have suffocated to death if it didn't come out. I'm sorry you had to hear it this way, I really am. But I make no apologies for having feelings." I say. She shakes her head and leaves. I drop down onto the floor, covering my tear-stained face. If this is who I am now, then who will I become in the future? The confusion pours over me, stronger than ever. I stay on the ground, seeking comfort in the frigid, unforgiving wood. My emotions were taking over, my heart overriding my head and my thoughts.

No one knows how strong your emotions can be, and the knives you can wield with just your words until you use them. I finally get up. I am going to be in charge of my emotions, thoughts, words, and life from now on.

I leave the store to go home. The entire time I wonder what my mum will do. As I enter the house, I hear nothing. Mum must be seeking the comfort of Joe, which makes me feel worse. Not because I wanted her to be home and be with me, but because she has someone to run to and I don't. It made it more apparent that I have no one.

I wash my face and change into more comfortable clothes. I place my books into my bag as if nothing happened. I am going to go about my day like nothing happened.

"Thank you, class!" The professor says, dismissing us. I'm glad that the class is over because I wasn't paying much attention, to begin with. I get a message, well two messages. One from Alfie, and the other from Isaiah.

"Have a great day today. Missing you:)" says the message from Alfie. Sweet, as usual.

"Sorry I had to leave last night," says the message from Isaiah. Unexplained and inexplicable, as usual.

I place my phone into my bag, sighing. The night I spent with Isaiah and the feelings I felt was thrown to the back of my head after the fight with my mum.

Walking back home, I talk with the person I need to talk to the most. Myself. We have a conversation about my feelings for Isaiah. One that is long overdue. My subconscious is telling me that last night was a mistake. That it paved the way for me to fall for him once again, a problem I've been trying to so hard avoid. I somewhat know that by opening myself up to him more and more, I am allowing him to hurt me again. But the funny thing is, I don't regret anything. Maybe I'll get hurt beyond repair in the future, but isn't love always a risk?

I realize that my heart is not just a living, beating organ. It's a representation of the depths of my emotions. A heart is an ocean we know we can't swim in but willingly jump into anyways.

The question is, am I willing to drown in the ocean of my own emotions for someone who isn't willing to jump in for me and fall in love knowing that it might never be reciprocated?

Yes. Yes, I am. I am more than willing.