On the Outside

i. the outsider

All my life I've always been inside the circle. From preschool till elementary, I was a top student - the gifted child with many friends who follows her lead no matter where she goes. Loneliness was a foreign word to my younger self whose friends were considerate of me and even made ways to have me participate with them in every game they did. My childhood was spent peacefully and happily without any existential crisis, just like how a child's life should be.

But I guess life can really fuck us up when we least expect it. It wasn't my transition from being praised as a gifted smart kid into a burnt out high school student who failed most half of her subjects throughout the years that made me hate this life. No, because back then, I still had a group of people I could sit with and call as my friends. That was what made the difference. That's what made everything bearable. Because back then, no matter how many line seven I got on my report card and no matter how many bruises I had to hide under my school uniform, I was still part of a circle that I could talk to and laugh with. Unlike now.

I let out a sigh as I turn the volume of my earphones louder while looking around me. Kakatapos lang ng second subject namin ngayong umaga pero pakiramdam ko ay pagod na pagod na ako. The hallway is filled with my classmates in their own different groups as we all wait for our next subject teacher to arrive and open the classroom.

It was already announced during the enrollment that the university will be implementing the students' move in their different subjects but until now, everyone is still not happy about it, especially in this rainy season. Just a week ago, our department's area got flooded because of the heavy rain and many of us had to go home with our shoes soaking wet. At least, the weather is nicer today with brilliant sunlight. A rare day with bright clouds and blue sky in this rainy June. Everyone seems to be in a good mood around me as they all converse among themselves.

There are certain days when I wake up with a random conviction to get my life together. I would promise myself with determination that I will finally pay attention in my classes and be a good student to prove to my family that I'm not a hopeless case at all. Then there are days like this when I'm not in the mood to try and my life can fall apart for all I care.

I inhaled lightly and let out a sigh again. Deep inside, there's a part of me thinking that if only things hadn't drastically changed, I'd be enjoying this weather right now with my friends. We would be in the canteen and enjoying a cold gulaman drink while sitting at the table in front of the huge pedestal fan in there. But then, I don't have anyone by my side anymore.

A familiar feeling of something heavy in my chest made me look down to the floor as I hear the girls laughing about something just a few meters away from me. It's such a surprise how something as trivial as a group of friends' laughter can cause such deep loneliness to someone else.

Who would've thought the bright and cheerful Jiro Castaneda would end up as an outcast? Who would've thought that in her senior year, she'd finally get to experience being an outsider? Definitely not me. I know I will never be Miss Popular but I've always been confident that I will always have my own group of friends, even just two or one, that I can hang out with. Honestly, this isn't the way I had envisioned my remaining high school year to be. The realization that I'm all alone now made my chest feel heavier. Wala naman akong sakit pero araw-araw ang hirap huminga.

A soft breeze blows by and I inhaled softly. Why am I even staying here and wasting my time feeling suffocated around shallow people when I could be enjoying the sun outside instead?

Tahimik kong kinuha ang cellphone ko mula sa bulsa ng aking palda at saka tiningnan ang class schedule namin ngayong araw. Social Studies ang susunod naming subject. Knowing our teacher, he will just most likely read the handouts for a few minutes before he jumps into another unrelated discussion. His favorite topic has always been the latest "teas" he is updated with, whether it's in the showbiz or inside of our campus. Pagkatapos ng klase niya ay lunch break na. And finally, we have remaining two classes in the afternoon which are all just minor subjects.