On the Outside

iii. fatigue

I know I already said this a thousand times but I'm exhausted. I always go on with my everyday life but deep inside, I'm honestly just really really tired.

I'm barely coping to live. My body, my heart, everything feels so heavy. No matter how many hours I sleep, the exhaustion won't go away. I wonder how long I have to keep enduring like this. Wala na ba talagang pag-asa na mabago itong punyetang buhay ko? Araw-araw na lang ba akong gigising na galit sa mundo?

Ang hirap huminga. Ang hirap gumalaw.

I clench my fists tightly while waiting for a tricycle to show up. I take several deep breaths because I can feel the tears slowly forming in my eyes again. I try to think about something else but the ringing in my ears won't go away and the anger in my chest won't calm down.

Just when I feel like I'm finally doing okay, that's when everything becomes shitty again. It's like a neverending cycle. A prison that I can't escape no matter how much I do my best. That scares me. Can't I even catch a break? Seventeen years old pa lang ako pero hapong-hapo na ako. Gusto kong umalis, mawala na parang bula pero 'yun nga, seventeen pa lang ako. Wala naman akong mapupuntahan.

Except now that it's Sunday. A day where I can at least escape and forget about everything even just for awhile. Forget about the petty fights. Forget about my miserable life.

When I was a kid, I used to think that I'm fortunate enough to have a father whose job allows us to eat three times a day. My mother stays at home and takes care of everything we need. Hindi kami mayaman pero hindi rin namin naranasan na maghirap noon. Marami akong mga kaibigan noong maliit pa ako. I was an honor student and all the adults would always praise me. Tuwing may achievements ako o may perfect na score sa mga tests ay nabibili ko ang mga gusto ko. My younger sister and I were best friends and we grew up happily. I had a really good normal life back then.

Then I remember the despicable person who is the reason why my teenage life became so fucked up.

Sa totoo lang ay wala na akong  matandaang natitirang magandang memorya niya kahit isa. He used to be okay and normal, I guess. Until he got sick and all of his medications got to his brain. I was in high school that time and he was eight years old. In a span of three months, I witnessed how that boy turned into a monster who would ruin the peace in our house with every chance that he got.

It started with his occasional tantrums from every little inconvenience he faced during his medication. That time, I was still patient with him because he was sick. And I genuinely wanted him to get better. It was a tough time for all of us and I witnessed how much tears my mother shed due to our situation. She loved that boy so much that she's the only one to blame with how he turned out. He was spoiled since birth but because of the extra special treatment he got while he was sick, his head got bigger. He became the king of the house. A detestable dictator who thinks everyone of us are under his reign. I already lost count how many slaps and threats my mother received from her beloved only son and how many bruises I had to endure every time we fought.

He knew he could get away with his violence because of our mother's favoritism.

"Bata pa siya at ikaw ang mas matanda, huwag mo nang patulan."

"Intindihin mo kasi, hindi yung magagalit ka rin. Madadaan mo naman siya sa salita."

"Hindi pa niya alam ang ginagawa niya. Magma-mature rin siya, hintayin mo lang."

He's twelve years old now and he's only getting even worse. She can't even see what kind of monster her unconditional love has created.  How can she love a son who threatens to kill his mother and calls her a useless thrash? Madalas niyang sabihin na maiintindihan ko rin daw kapag naging nanay na ako balang-araw. So she means that no matter how abusive your family member is, pamilya mo pa rin siya kaya wala kang magagawa kundi tiisin ang lahat at mahalin pa rin siya.