I hate how adults will put off behavior as "typical teenager things".
I avoid interacting with people especially my family, as much as possible.
I would much rather be by myself listening to music doing one of my hobbies or being on my phone that talk to my Mom when she's home.
I would much rather talk to my online friends about whatever the heck we want or just send memes and laugh at those for hours on end then hear about whatever "life lesson" or political position my Dad wants to tell me about.
I am tired all the time and I still hide that as well as whatever (f̶a̶k̶e̶)̶ emotions I do happen to feel at that point in time yet whenever I do show my absolute emotion exhaustion I always get told off for it.
After my lack of energy breaks through to the point I can't hide it anymore it's always met with "I know you're a teenager but-".
Whenever I get mad or upset about something I always get told "it's probably your hormones making you feel that way, I know you don't like it, but it's natural when your body is changing".
Whenever I talk about not being able to be excited by things, grief for family members lost, any kind of positive emotion or anticipation towards the rare opportunities to hang out with friends, I get the responses "you're not happy about anything anymore, I guess you're just too old for it now" "everyone grieves in their own ways, it's ok to feel that way" and "well just try to enjoy yourself, you don't get to see them that often, I'm sure you'll feel happy once you see them". (The second on is sound advice, I will say that, but I don't feel any type of grief, I just "feel" the emotions of others. It's not the same.)
The part that they all ignore though is that the reason "your teen" probably feels this way is because of the way they've been treated.
When I finally start to let myself feel how I feel, when I finally realize how much abuse and emotional neglect I have actually went through, always being the "mature for their age" child, how much both parents actually contributed, it gets dismissed as "being a typical teenager" or "a phase".
It's just an excuse to remove any sense of responsibility to raising me since I was born to hide how I really feel, being told since I can remember (such a rare accurance nowadays) that "what I want doesn't matter" and how it's been nurished and grown upon all of my life.
You raised me to be a doll that you can shape, mold, control, but as soon as I start to get a sense of self, finally confident and brave enough to stop caring about what others think (which was one of the lessons I was taught also that actually worked, ironically) it becomes a problem, and I am the one that has to suffer for it.
I am tired.
I will sleep stay up until sunrise, too scared to go to sleep, and will sleep into the next evening, too scared to wake up.
Too scared to sleep because then I'll have to wake up. And too scared to wake up because nothing has ever changed, nothing ever really changes.
When I say that I don't know who I am, I don't mean that I don't know what I like, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, I'm not sure about what hairstyle suits me best or who my "type" is, no.
When I say that I don't know who I am, I mean that I don't know how I feel, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, I don't know what I want to feel.
I mean that I don't know what I am supposed to do, I don't know how to interact with other people, I'm not sure how to be a true friend, a good friend outside of supporting them, because I can't possibly show them how I really feel outside of positive emotions (d̶o̶ ̶I̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶n̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶y̶?̶)̶ even while I'll unohasingly support them through all of their negative ones.
I mean I was raised to be "perfect" and "easy" and "supportive" and to be someone (something) that can make everyone feel like their family isn't going to shit, that it isn't falling apart and that I'm just collateral.
I have the roll of being that glimpse of hope for the future generations of this mixed up family and everyone who encounters me that everything will be ok, that kids still do listen to their parents, that not all kids have outbursts, and destroy things, and want nothing to do with their parents after they reach double digits, that all kids don't have any large negative emotions that would possibly hurt or get in the way of everyone around them and be a burden.
As soon as I start to get rid of and slowly lower those walls I was taught to built I get seen as something bad and "just a typical teenager".
It's even worse when they start to "relate" to you.
Our experiences can not be compared when "at one point I hated my Mom too, so I know how you feel" (I never said I hated you) or "when I was your age I wanted nothing to do with my parents, I just wanted to hang out with my friends every night" and all the other crap when you are part of the reason that I am like this in the first place.
It's like placing the blame on me for their actions, and I am tired of it. I am so tired.
I never get the chance to rest. (A̶m̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶o̶w̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶c̶h̶a̶n̶c̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶r̶e̶s̶t̶.̶
Words: 1001
~🌱
(8/19/2022 - after midnight)
