Electric

Out of Love

He wasn't mine, so why did it hurt so much? Is it because I loved him and wanted to have a family with him or rather because I loved the idea of him? It didn't matter anymore because I lost my best friend, my baby in the span of one day. I touched my stomach, any signs of life would make everything better, nothing, not even a kick.

When the doctor came back to check my vitals and check me out, he started talking but after a while I tuned him out, I felt so numb and empty that I just couldn't anymore.

"Mija, It's time to go," my mother smiled.

She tried pulling it off but I knew it was a smile full of guilt and pain all caused by me. I gave her a simple nod because I didn't know what else to do, I changed into some sweats my mom brought from home and then we left.

The car ride home was silent filled by songs from the radio and the hours after were silent too. My parents understood that what I needed wasn't to be bothered and I loved them for that, but what I wanted was to be held and comforted by them. But I knew who I wanted more, as much as I hated him, I loved him just as much.

All night I didn't cry, not because I didn't want to but because I couldn't. I wanted, no needed to feel something inside and the only thing I could think of was not an option.

Because of the crash I was off of school for the week, so everyday was the same wake up, eat, and go back to bed repeat. I needed something to control in my life and this was the closest thing I could get to feeling that control, so here I was basically robot on stuck on the same actions. This took place for 4 days until one day my mom came barging into my room.

"Mija, this is enough," she began, "Ever since we got back from the hospital you've barely shown any emotion, as much as I understand you need your space, I can't let you live like a mindless drone."

As much as I wanted to be left alone and feel numb, the worry and stress in mother's eyes pleaded something inside me that I couldn't ignore. So I let go and put down some of my walls.

"Okay, I'll try," I responded.

"Oh thank you mija, you know I love you right," she asked while embracing me.

"Si mami," I answered.

I hadn't seen my mom this happy since the day she and my dad renewed their vows, it broke me knowing that I caused her stress. I heard a voices downstairs, very low so I couldn't make out who it was. I guess my mom could tell I was wondering and answered for me.

"Oh I forgot to tell you, you have a surprise waiting for you downstairs." I gave her a questioning look but trusted my mother and started making my way downstairs. When I got there it was the people I needed the most right now.