𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐫𝐚𝐝 𝐟𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐫 (𝟑)

parenthood.

just realized i wrote baby suz's birth two times LOL, the one in - the crisis - is her real one, and i deleted the other one!! sorry for the confusion LOL.

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as sweet as having an anniversary baby would've been, baby suz did not come out until the next day.

having an over 10 hour birth, baby suz joined us at 8:02 am the next day. it was hard. tiring. but conrad was steady. he never even yawned, for 10 hours straight. as my fingers weakened in his, his only grasped tighter.

strangely, he was a very good asset to my nurses. getting my water, or crushed ice, or dabbing my forehead with a damp cloth, or helping me into the next comforting position, he listened to whatever they asked of him.

"we know you wanna keep him around," one of the nurses smiled at me, "but we best do the same. he's good." she winked at me.

"oh, oh my gosh." then, my husbands face went white at the sight of my epidural. the nurses and i laughed, "no." he put his head down as the nurses did the work.

then, many pains later, the cries came.

well, from conrad anyway.

once the head was spotted, conrad was a mess. his hand squeezed mine harder, and he screamed encouragements at me like never before. strangely, it was exactly what i needed. we were both sobbing.

"i love you so much mace. we can do this."

then, the actual cries came. and mine came with them.

baby suz was placed in my arms, and i watched as the world around me changed. conrad's hand held her head, and he beamed down at our little girl, and i felt something more magical than i had ever before.

i was a mommy. and the best man i knew was going to help me raise her.

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"alexa," the groan of my husband awoke me, and startled me more than our daughters sobs, "flip a coin."

i groaned too. susannah was crying again.

every night, when our precious girl would sob into the night air, we'd flip a coin to see who would go take care of her this time.

"heads you go," i smirked one night through a yawn, rolling over in bed, "tails i stay in bed."

"deal." my sleepy husband muttered, to out of it to realize the prank.

"tails." alexa's robotic voice spoke that night, and i smiled, wrapping myself tighter in the blankets.

"haha." i muttered, and conrad slowly rose up, sending me a look as he walked across the room, "i see what you did. jerk." i just snickered and fell back asleep.

but now, i crossed my fingers and toes that tails wouldnt be the answer. tails was my answer.

"tails." quite quickly, i wanted to sob just like my daughter had been. i huffed a sigh, and threw the covers off of me.

conrad gave my arm a squeeze, and a small 'thank you babe', and i walked down the hallway.

i shushed the shaking girl as i rocked her slowly, pacing her nusery back and forth. i smiled, even in the dead of night i could spot out the pretty pink color we had filled the walls with, and the hanging sheep over her crib, and the lyrics of my susannah's (conrad's mum) favorite lullaby written on one of the walls in a pasty white. it was perfect for our little girl.

suddenly, hands wrapped around my own, and a chest met with my back.

"what are you doing up?" i smirked, leaning my head back to rest on conrad's shoulder.

"you're awake, im awake." he let me nustle into him, "the bed was cold without you, too." i chuckled, little suz yawned in my arms, allowing a moment of silence before the cries continued.

"you're such a good mommy." his whispers pulled me out of the half sleep i had let myself drift into as i leaned on his shoulder just then, maybe a few minutes after we had spoken last. i smiled.

"you never fail to tell me so."

i felt his smiling cheeks press against my hair, "im so thankful for you. and soon, she'll be too." he reached down to stroke our daughters cheek, and i smiled down at the sight.

"you know why babies cry so much after theyre born?" i whispered, bouncing her slightly as her eyes began to close.

he mumbled a "hm?"

"when they're in the womb, theyre pretty much floating in water, always stable and still. thats immediately what they consider complete safety, because its all they know for nine months." i felt him nod, "then, when theyre born, theyre missing that constant feeling of being held up by the water, and floating all the time, and to them, it actually feels like theyre falling. just constantly falling. because its a different environment than what theyve been used to. thats why they like to be swaddled so tightly in a blanket, or held on tightly by their mothers," i leaned my head back on his shoulder, "its the closest thing to what theyre used to. to feeling completely safe."

conrad took a second to think about it, and his breaths tickled my neck.

"maybe thats why we all like to be held by someone we love," i concluded, "because, even though we're used to the outside world now," i took a breath, staring at the sleeping child of mine in my arms, "we still like to feel a little piece of how it used to be." i sighed, placing her down in her crib, and draping a blanket over her.

conrad took my arm, and hugged me tightly.

"i think youre right." i could hear the smile in his voice, "let me hold you now." i tried to soften my gasp as he swooped me up in his arms, bridal style.

he giggled slightly, and i shushed him.

"you have to be careful! we just got her to sleep!" i wacked his chest, and he sealed his lips tight as he walked me back to bed.

he placed me down in bed, and quickly snuggled up next to me, "im glad that the closest thing i can be to feeling absolutely safe again is when im in your arms." his words made me melt, and i turned my body around to kiss him lovingly.

"me too."

suddenly, cries erupted in the hallway, and we both breathed out heavily.

"alexa, say heads." i groaned sarcastically.

"heads." to my surprise, she actually followed my command, and i bursted out laughing.

"do as she says, babe." i remarked, twisting over to fall back asleep under the covers. i heard conrad lowly chuckle, and shuffle down the hall.

and, even still, all i could think was "what a feeling to be sharing life with him."