𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐫𝐚𝐝 𝐟𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐫 (𝟑)

the hormones.

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baby suz would not calm down. frankly, i was starting to feel the same way.

i had gotten called out of work due to my first born, susannah, not being able to calm down at her daycare. she was a hassle during play time, and a disturbance during nap time. the ladies tried to calm her down with everything, but soon got worried and called me.

so i took the rest of the day off, hurrying to pick up my upset child. i put my hand on my stomach, where my second born (well, soon anyway) child sat inside. she had been kicking up a storm inside my belly today, and i had the worst cramping because of it.

must of been sibling intuition.

suz was a trainwreck, for sure. not being able to calm down the whole ride home, and now not even as i bounced her in my arms. i tried water, food, resting her in her crib, everything. i begged and prayed and sang, nothing.

"shhh." i tried cooing her as i bounced slightly, but her face was red with anger. i hated seeing her this way, but i also was getting more and more upset at myself for not being enough for her. she screamed and wailed, and my chest felt heavier by the second.

i felt my lungs quickly start to shake as i tried to hold the sobs in. but i just couldn't. the baby inside of me was radiating off of my own anger, and it felt as if she was doing cartwheels inside of me. and suz had starting high pitch wailing. it was getting hard to breathe.

i put my hand on the crib to hold me up as i cried, and suz screamed in my other arm. in a way, it was soothing. we were both crying together.

loud footsteps startled me in the hallway, and a voice made my heart jump with joy, "babe?"

it was conrad. my husband.

he came rushing in, eyes concerned with worry. i smiled, but through the tears and loud outward sobs.

he was instantly overwhelmed. i could tell.

"what is going on, sweetheart?" he said in a babyish voice, and i wasn't sure which sweetheart he was talking to. so i just acted like it was me.

"i-i can't calm her down." i choked on my own words, "they called me saying she couldn't calm down and i left-"

by the time i had only gotten a few words out, conrad quickly scooped up susannah from my arms. my heart slightly deflated, he must've been talking to her, so i pressed on in my explanation about her current state. but then, quite smoothly, he put her in her crib, swaddled her in her blanket, and took me in his arms faster than i could process. a hand went to the back of my head and the small of my back, just where he knew i liked them, and he squeezed tightly.

i let out the biggest exhale, but it turned into a heavy and quivering sob.

"i'm sorry." i forced out, squeezing all the tears in my eyes.

"tell me what's wrong." he said calmly, which helped me take a deeper breath and start over.

"the nursery called me, saying she couldn't calm down, so of course i left to go get her." i felt his head nod against my neck, "and so i did, and she's not any better with me. i feel like i have no idea what i'm doing, nothing that works before is working," my breaths began to turn into sobs again, but he squeezed me tighter, signaling i was once again forgetting to breathe. i took a deep breath, "and, our little guy has been kicking all day today and i have the worst cramps-" conrad finally detached himself from me, eyes alert.

"he's been kicking." he placed a warm hand on my belly bump, rubbing smoothly. i frowned, i hadn't even realized what a significant thing that was - that our baby had kicked for the first time - it had only added stress to my day. i completely forgot to tell conrad.

"yeah, sorry i didn't tell you." i looked down, and he raised my chin back up with a finger.

"i'm sorry you have cramps. that didn't happen with suz, did it?" he asked, and i shook my head.

"no, everything's different. just, everything's different." i shook my head in frustration. he grabbed both my hands to settle my arms.

"like what, hun?"

"i don't like that i can't comfort my own daughter, connie. she's so upset, and i don't know why." i pressed a palm to my forehead, little suz's cries stayed present in the background of our conversation, "and if i suddenly can't contain her, how am i going to be good at two-"

"stop." my husband shook his head, "it's one bad day. suz isn't normally like this, and that's rare. what did you say to me when i was complaining about her crying for eight hours straight the first month we had her?"

a smile finally cracked through my lips.

"she's a baby..." conrad started, doing his horrible impression of my voice.

"all she knows how to do is cry." i finished, letting the smile peel apart my sticky cheeks.

"and you're a mom." conrad smiled too, "a great one, at that." he pushed my messy hair behind my ears, "all you know how to do is love your kids. and sometimes, that's all they need." he kissed my forehead, "and to cry, too." we both laughed, "unfortunately." we laughed harder.

"it's just the baby." i sighed out, constantly reminding myself of this truth, "it's the hormones. make me feel like i can't do anything. and the cramps that actually make me not being able to do anything." i wrapped my arms around my torso and groaned, leaning forward to lean on my husband.

"i'm sorry babe." he whispered in my ear, kissing my neck gently, "want some tea and vampire diaries?"

i smiled against his neck, and i felt him do the same.

"yes please."

"okay." was all he said, scooping me up bridal style and carrying me down the hallway and into the living room, plopping me on the couch. he wiped away the hair that was again stuck to my wet forehead and cheeks, and kissed my lips gently. a minute later, he was back with a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream, warm green tea, and my favorite green blanket.

"you're such a good husband." i mumbled as he combed his fingers through my hair, leaning over the back of the couch and just staring down at me. he smiled widely, i took in the scene for a second, and then squinted slightly, "why are you even home?"

he laughed slightly, "i had a half day today, remember?"

i giggled, i hadn't. i thanked God for it, now, though.

"and you're an even better mom." he still smiled at me from above, rubbing my temples, "get some rest. i got suz for now."

i smiled and nodded, and he kissed my forehead, and i was out.

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