The Five Steps | Jensoo

Chapter 3

Jennie

I feel dizzy by the time I make it to Busan. My ten minute nap on the bus was nowhere enough time for my body to reset but I mean, who needs sleep when you can stare out a window for four whole hours, regretting every decision you've ever made in your life?

No matter how hard I tried to think of a solution I just... couldn't.

She really knows me. All the parts of me that I thought I was hiding from her. All the parts I was hiding from myself. And she actually loves me.

I've never had that before.

And I think that's why I really want to be in this with her. Fully. Instead of running away and leaving her in the dust like my dad did. Instead of keeping her at a distance and letting it fizzle out like the rest of my relationships.

I check my phone for the millionth time but there's still no reply to the can we talk? text I sent her when I got on the bus. No phone call. She hasn't even looked at my Instagram stories.

I really fucked things up this time. Her silent treatment has never lasted this long.

This is way worse than any of our other little fights over flirting or my "emotional unavailability" or whatever text lit up my screen at the breakfast table.

I mean... the things she said last night. The things I said. It's like ten girls giving me their number during a shift at the club combined.

Sighing, I double check Google Maps to see I have two more stops before I get off this swaying bus, the weirdly patterned fabric of the seat prickling my thighs. I scoot forward and peek out the window to see a giant stone building looming in the distance, the bright afternoon sun turning the gray brick almost white.

Pusan National University.

I'm actually here. Officially a university student. For a second thoughts of Irene finally recede.

I almost feel like I can breathe in a way I never have before.

I can't believe I did it. I can't believe I actually did it. I made it out.

This is what I wanted. To figure out how to do more than just scrape by. To worry only about myself for once.

Well... mostly.

Reflexively, I glance down at my phone to see my mum hasn't replied to the texts I sent her on the ride here. Which is nothing new. But I still feel queasy over it since now I can't run home to make sure she's still breathing.

I pocket my phone as the bus jolts to a stop and I grab my stuff before stumbling down the aisle. I thank the driver as I hope off, supposedly four blocks away from my Craigslist found apartment, squinting against the sun as I swivel my head from left and right.

Instantly, I'm struck by how different this place is from Seoul. It's so small. From the buildings to the number of people walking on the sidewalks to the stores lining the street, it's like someone took home and halved it another ten times.

I follow Google Maps down the block past a Starbuck, a pharmacy, and a grocery store, horrified when I catch sight of my reflection in a window. I look like I got hit by a bus instead of riding in one.

My brown hair is pulled into a lumpy bun, baby hairs making a break for it everywhere I look. My T-shirt is so wrinkled it looks like I left it in the dryer for an entire year. My normally perfectly even eyeliner is somehow completely missing from my right eye and is still somewhat intact on my left. How is that even possible?

I quickly pull out my hair tie then comb my fingers through my hair and rub my still lined eye as the light in front of me turns green.

My phone buzzes and I almost fling it into the road as I fumble to pull it up to my face, hoping to see a text message from Irene.