Letting Him Save Me || ✎

Chapter 22

Stella POV

Maryanne's gaze stays on me, searching my face for any sign of emotion. I'm sure she can see the feeling of uneasiness, it's basically written on my forehead. 

The air feels heavy with silence, but it's not uncomfortable. I won't lie, I've started to like Maryanne. I didn't want to get attached to her because she could always leave or one day wake up and decide she didn't like me anymore, but there's the small part of me that wants to give in and let her be the support I wish I've had my whole life. 

I want to give in. I want to feel as though I can open my heart and give her my trust but there's a wall that blocks her out and locks me in. It's like a mental barrier that I can't break or get through. 

MY heart so desperately wants to believe in her words, but my head begs for proof. Some sign that she isn't gonna leave. Some sign that she isn't just speaking pretty words with empty promises. 

She gets up from the table and it pulls me from my thoughts. 

She exits the kitchen, her wine glass and kindle abandoned on the table. I'm unsure of what to do. I start to contemplate just returning to my room but before that thought can grow she returns, a file in hand. A file with my name printed at the top. The same file that holds every piece of information that the government has recorded about me. 

I hate that file. It highlights only the worst parts of me. It shows the years of scars and pain that I've hid and memories I don't wish to relive. 

That file has ruined some great opportunities I've had come my way. Parents who were interested in adopting me changed their mind once they read the file, I was turned down from some nice group homes because of it. 

She places the file in front of me and returns to her seat. 

"That's your file." She says to me.

"I know." I mutter. Seeing it brings me no joy.

"I only read through to the blue sticky note sticking out of the top." She points to the mentioned sticky note.

I open the file to where the blue marker lies and realize she's not even even 5 pages in. She hasn't even gotten to past placements or diagnoses. She's only read my description and that my parents are alive, just unfit to have custody. 

"Why are you showing me this?" I ask her quietly.

"Because I don't want to get to know you through some file." She leans forward and places her elbows on the table. Her eyes look at me with kindness and I feel a flame of hope ignite inside me. "I don't want to know the Stella in there, I want to know the Stella sitting in front of me. I want you to trust me and having a Stella cheat sheet doesn't earn your trust. It's the only copy I have and it's yours to do with what you please. You can burn it, keep it, it's none of my business."

I feel my heart speed up inside my chest. 

I feel lighter.

I feel hopeful. 

I can't stop the smile that forces it's way to my face and I see that Maryanne is pleased. 

"Thank you." I say, my voice laced with so much feeling that it almost sounds foreign to me.

"Don't thank me, I haven't done anything to earn your thanks. I feel as though it's basic respect and you shouldn't have to ask for that." Her words touch a warm part of me that didn't exist before now. 

"It's a lot more than I've ever been given, so I appreciate it." I feel tears start to prickle and I clutch the file to my chest. 

Maryanne smiles at me before speaking, "I'm going to head to bed if you need anything don't be afraid to come wake me up, I promise I won't be upset. Even if you're just feeling overwhelmed and don't wish to be alone, we can put on a movie and just sit together."

"Thank you." I whisper, afraid to speak any louder to avoid any sign of my emotions. 

"Goodnight Stella."

"Goodnight." I return with a smile I hope reflects how grateful I feel. 

I return to my room after her with the file and my glass of water. 

Once I'm alone in my room I let the tears fall. 

I've always resented the information on the pages and how they were used against me and now I hold them in my hands with the power to decide their fate. 

A sense of freedom washes over me and I smile a genuine smile. 

She said it was her only copy and she could be lying but I completely trust her words. This is her only copy, and I have it. I have it because she gave it to me. My mind is having a hard time wrapping around what's happened. 

I trust her. 

I haven't trusted someone in a very long time and while it scares me, it also warms me. 

I don't know what to do with the file and I don't want to decide it's fate on a whim. So I set it in one of the bottom drawers of the desk that lines the wall and I get into bed. 

My head is alive with thoughts bouncing all around and yet I fall asleep with ease.