What have I done wish I can go back in time and say this word's to myself "don't loose hope still there is time" and you can do it ,but to think about past and regretting on it is the worst feeling ever, some times I feel extremely weak of myself for not letting to express my emotions to the person that I want to have in my life.
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Why do I even hold back myself because of the social boundaries that I had like the people around me and the environment that I grew, in the end nothing matters who care's anyway nobody will give a shit about it, but nooooooo I have to think about the people around me and I have to kill my emotion's for some fake people around me and have to pretend like nothing has happened to me and need to fake my smile by showing my successful life that I never wanted.
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what did I got in the end nothing and all the fake people I tried to please left me and I cry now in my death bed waiting for death to arrive I still think about her wish I've had proposed her and expressed my love to her but what was I back then a coward who can't even speak properly what's happening to me, my whole body feel's numb now , what's.. happening to me ,what's happening to me.......???? it hurts! it hurts! it hurts! its like my head is splitting thinking about my past and her make's my suffering more miserable.
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Doctor's have already said to me that I don't have much time left and they said to me make every moment that I live must be full, everybody that sit with me laugh and took my help left me because they cannot make money out of dead man, I cry in my bed wishing that my past self should have convinced my love to marry me, but what a coward was I then I stopped myself because of the people around me to make them happy and In the end they all left, wish she was here with me so I could leave from this earth with peace and smile on my face while seeing her face.
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Should I call her and let her know that I loved her but what she will think about me, after all these year's passed and I was silent and now when I'm on verge of death I'm calling her, I just want to say these word's to her no matter what she thinks " I don't wanna be alone , I just want to stay by your side and make you smile and I deserve a happy life with you, my dream now is to just to run to her and shout with my heart that I love her and all the time is I think about her",but it's too expensive for me to afford as I'm completely paralysed I can't even speak, hear, walk I'm just dead man with a soul left in good for noting body.
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I think I can't make her happier now I should let her go of from my thoughts, she will be better with some one but not with a dead soul like me, some word's and expression are un said but can be heard through the silent eyes.
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