𝐒𝐔𝐆𝐀𝐑 𝐂𝐑𝐀𝐒𝐇 • lollipop x reader

chapter 1 - drowning in my thoughts

10:14 PM
I sigh, sitting on the edge of my bed in my dim bedroom. School was so exhausting. School is so useless, it's almost disappointing how much it is still used in society- although it's probably the only way people can get education.
I'm just taking a break from that place before I start a college education. I'm already so bored..

"Y/N!!!!!" Y/FM screams, kicking open my bedroom door.
"AAAAHHHH!" I scream back, snapping out of thought. "Y/FM, what the ff- heck are you doing?! Get out!" I order, annoyed.
"Wait, aren't you supposed to be sleeping?" Y/FM remembers, asking.
"Ugh.. you're one to talk.." I grumble, getting up to force them out of my room. I don't usually sleep much, it's become a habit since I was a teen.
"HEY!! WAIT!! NOOO!!!" Y/FM yells as I push them out before locking my bedroom. They don't ever leave unless I push them out. My room is way too personal for them, and I don't want my room to end up like theirs. My room is mostly tidy, other than under my bed..
There's LED lights on the walls that keep dying and I keep having to replace every month, old photos on the other end of the bed's wall, a few aesthetic decorations on the walls, a boring black carpet, shelves, a brown dresser, and a body mirror.
The window's right next to my bed, and I thankfully have access to the WiFi.
God, I zone out way too much.

Laying my head on my pillow, clueless on what to do tonight, I stare up at the ceiling with the purple LED lights.
The nostalgic view of the ceiling when you're confused and kind of lost, it sits above me, my eyes sinking into the blank state of it. That's when it hits you, you're doing nothing; you're lazy and useless.
It gives you the overwhelming urge to stay up all night, ripping your eyes open. You don't deserve "rest" if all you do is "rest". The weight being heavily blamed by almost everyone you know for doing nothing every single day, it surrounds you and pushes you under the surface of a deep, dark sea. It's the only thing you can hear, other than your desperate voice strangling in the water. You're pushed so deep under, and it feels like time and everyone else is going on without you, and you can't do anything about it because you know you'll just end up back under the water. The lack of motivation rings in your ears and throws you into a loop of useless self-blaming. You can't do anything and you won't do anything.
What's the point?
I'm never satisfied with anything I do, and always want to scrap anything if it doesn't turn out perfect the first try, no matter how unrealistic that view is. If you're not useful, you're useless. If you're useless, you can't do anything, and shouldn't. It will just kill you. It won't bring you anywhere.
These voices drown out every other thought inside my head, and the water is completely black, but I lose hope, and my limbs go weak.
Right before I "die", I would snap back into reality with tears in my eyes.
This is one of the reasons of what would cause me to stay up, sometimes almost until 5am, but it's honestly not much- I still eventually sleep for a few hours after staring back up at the ceiling, now spinning.
I don't usually just stay up thinking about the sea. I would try to distract myself from it by writing or drawing- my hobbies, but still eventually fall back in.
Sometimes I let it happen, or sometimes I jump in. Sometimes I feel better when I'm down- it's what either forces me to attempt to overwork, or become stuck in a loop of aware unmotivation and anxiety. But nobody needs to pull me back out, it's the only thing that will make me work.

────── ⋆☆⋆ ──────

3:16 AM
I put down my phone, relaxing my neck on my pillow, removing my earbuds from my ears. Suddenly, I hear something familiar coming from Y/FM's room.
"Under.. maattress.. Y/N's.. bed.. hahha.. drugs"
Well that was creepy. Y/FM sometimes sleep talks..
Wait, what's under my mattress?

I slowly sit up, pain running through my back from my horrible posture, quietly groaning to not wake anyone up. Straightening my back almost as loud as popping popcorn, I get up, my eyes making my walls appear a dark, staticky rainbow. Trying not to fall over from my sore head spinning as it makes it's way to my stomach, I slowly go down to my knees, and lift up the corner of my mattress- dim flashlight in hand.
A stash of dusty grape-flavoured purple lollipops sits there, underneath my mattress.
What the fuck?
Are these drugs or candy? Where did they come from?
Ah.. might as well have a midnight snack this depressing night. Even if it's drugs- I haven't had a lollipop in forever.

Ripping the wrapper off the purple lollipop, I pop it in my mouth, and sigh, closing my eyes as I sit on the floor next to my bed.
But it doesn't taste like grapes.
My tongue is burning.
I quickly open my eyes from the unexpected sensation, but everything looks like it's moving at high speeds, as if I'm in a car on the highway- except it's spinning around me. My heart drops when I see a black drawn-like face on the door. Ripping the possibly drugged lollipop out my mouth, I hope that it'll stop whatever the hell is going on.. but of course, it doesn't.
I look down at the lollipop. It has a fucking face.
"HOLY FF- CRAP??" I burst out whisper-yelling. It stares back at me, also terrified. "..WHO ARE YOU??" it asks me. I'm a bit too shaken up to answer a literal lollipop I'm holding in my sweaty fist, shaking.
Suddenly, my head feels like it's been bashed against a brick wall a thousand times. I try calling Y/FM's name for help (who knows, they might've somehow caused whatever tf this is) but I'm only able to let out a small part of their name from my painful migraine.

Soon enough, my sight goes black, and my head unconsciously falls to the floor.
I've passed out.

(it's short but i tried)