Help Me Close My Eyes

19 ~ warning sign.

"A warning sign.
You came back to haunt me, and I realised
That you were an island, and I passed you by.
I started looking for a warning sign.
When the truth is,
I miss you."
- Coldplay

***

Liam's POV

I stare out a dirty motel window, watching as rain falls down in sheets onto the street outside. It hasn't let up all night, not since I left that house earlier.

Not since I left her.

Without a street lamp in sight, everything is shrouded in darkness, and all I can see is what's illuminated by the flickering neon sign that looms over the empty parking lot.

The light paints everything in ominous tones of red and blue, and if possible, it makes the world outside my door feel even more treacherous than it already does.

Every now and then, a car passes by, quickly - like even the drivers can tell, just from outside, that this isn't the kind of place someone with any sense should be stopping for long.

I don't blame them. If I had any choice, I'd be miles away from here, but after a day like today, I wasn't in any shape to drive for long, and this, unfortunately, is the only rest stop for miles.

Exhausted, I turn away from the window and cross the room to sit down on the edge of the cheap mattress, dust from the ancient bedspread flying into the air.

Kicking off my shoes, I finally decide to lie down, hoping for a dreamless sleep, but as soon as my head hits the pillow, there's only one thought on my mind:

I shouldn't have yelled at Adira.

Running a hand over my face, I sit up and let out a frustrated sigh as everything from the past few hours hits me all at once.

Even while I was doing it, I knew it was wrong. The words coming out of my mouth were poison, pure and simple, but I couldn't stop myself. After everything that happened today, everything we learned, I felt like I was spinning out of control.

I'm starting to wonder if I ever really had any to begin with.

Hearing Anita talk about us like that, talk about our lives like they're just one small chapter in a bigger story. Having to listen to her talk about my entire existence like everything I am is just one inconsequential stop on the way to something bigger, something more important.

Like I don't matter. Like nothing matters.

Every experience I've ever had, everything I've ever thought, ever wanted - ever loved.

None of it means anything.

I suppose that's what made me think of Lydia.

As Adira and I stood out there, arguing in the rain, she's somehow all I could think about. The idea that everything we had together, everything we shared, everything we were ever going to be was doomed from the second I laid eyes on her...

That nothing I could've done would've changed that.

I guess maybe it should've make me feel vindicated somehow, free from the blame and the guilt I've carried around for the past year, but it didn't. Instead, I felt powerless, useless, objectified.

I felt angry.

And somewhere in that anger and hopelessness, I must have decided it was all because of Ira.

All I could do was watch as I took it all out on her - every frustration, every annoyance, every bit of disappointment about the way my life has played out.