Help Me Close My Eyes

23 ~ different lives.

"Like a distant sort of conversation
Of you and I.
Feels like I'm running
From my reputation every night.

'Cause I've lived different lives
Before you ever made me feel alive.
I haven't felt this fucking terrified
Before you."
- Fly By Midnight

***

The goodbye with Anita is short and sweet.

We say our parting words outside on that old wooden porch, the one from the photo that brought us here in the first place.

I look down at the front steps and try to imagine a different version of myself sitting there, the version from the picture - the one who leaned her head on Liam's shoulder and smiled like she knew everything was going to be okay.

Part of me can't help but wonder if she really believed that, if she really thought that things would work out for them, that they would make it through this, or if she'd just gotten really good at pretending.

I guess it doesn't really matter now.

If things had worked out for them, I wouldn't be here, would I?

A chill runs through me at the thought.

Still, I turn to Anita and force a smile on my face before leaning in to give her a hug. I hold her tight. All of a sudden, I feel like I'm saying goodbye to a friend I don't know when I'll see again.

"Thank you," I say into her ear, "for helping us. It means more than you know."

She hugs me back just as tightly. "Always," she replies.

Finally, she pulls back and turns to Liam. "And you," she says, raising a hand to pat him on the cheek. "Don't you forget what I said."

I recall the words Anita spoke to Liam in the kitchen, the ones neither of them meant for me to hear.

Something tells me that this time around, she's going to need you. More than either of you know.

I could drive myself crazy wondering what it means, but Liam squares his shoulders like he understands and nods. "I won't," he says.

Anita hugs him then, and he stiffens up before finally hugging her back.

With that, the two of us turn and head down the wooden steps, making our way back down the driveway and towards the street. Anita stands on her porch, watching as we go.

"Hey!" she calls out once we reach the car, and we turn back to look at her. She's got the kind of warm smile on her face that makes her look young and full of life.

Suddenly, I get a flash, almost like a memory, of her just like that. Young, happy, smiling at us like we're old friends and laughing while she yells at us down the driveway.

For just a moment, it's like it's that version of her that's standing there - dark black hair, bright eyes, smooth skin.

Then, just like that, it's gone, and the older Anita is staring back at me, a knowing smile on her face.

"Remember," she continues, "this life matters. It has just as much weight as any other. You decide what you do with it."

***

We've been driving for nearly an hour before either of us finds the courage to speak.

Even when Liam finally does, it's only to ask me if the ac is too cold, then it's right back to uncomfortable silence.