Help Me Close My Eyes

12 ~ stay away.

"Separate yourself from what compels
You to relinquish us.
If you're using me, do it slowly.
Make it last until I have to go."
- The Honorary Title

***

We're back on the road before the sun is even up.

We ride in silence, both refusing to speak, as if not talking about it will keep it from being real.

"It could be a faulty lamp," he said softly when it happened, more to himself than to me.

But I know what I felt.

I felt it again when our hands accidentally brushed together as we hurriedly tried to pick up shards of broken glass, and when he snatched his hand away from mine, I knew he felt it too.

That was no faulty lamp.

I try not to look at him as we drive. I can still feel the static in the air surrounding us, and I'm scared it'll go off again if I get too close.

Neither one of us wanted to stay in that room for very long after what happened. We stayed just long enough to clean up the mess and freshen up before we were on our way again.

The sky is dark and purple as the sun is just on the verge of rising. I watch the horizon as the clouds slowly lighten, knowing that once the sun comes up, it'll all be real and nothing will ever be the same again.

The dreams were bad enough, but this? Whatever this is, I won't be able to ignore it.

No more pretending to be normal. No more pretending everything's a coincidence. No more pretending they're just dreams.

The sickening feeling that I'll never be able to return to my old life threatens to swallow me whole.

What I left behind wasn't much, but it was mine. I worked hard to maintain it, to fit in, to be just like everyone else.

But no matter what, it's like the universe is intent on making me an outlier, an abnormality, a freak..

I try to shut the thoughts out, but they seep in through the cracks in my resolve, and the anxiety spreads through my chest.

It settles on me like a weight, and despite how deeply I'm breathing, the air doesn't feel as though it's reaching my lungs.

"Pull over," I say.

Liam doesn't respond immediately, taking a moment to acknowledge that I had broken the unspoken agreement of silence between us.

"What?" he says finally.

"Pull over," I stress, and the lights on the dashboard flicker on and off at my words.

Liam immediately pulls the car to the shoulder of the road adjacent to an open field, and the second I feel it come to a halt, I wrench the passenger side door open and step into the cool morning air.

I walk off a ways into the talk grass and lace my hands over my head, breathing deeply.

"Ira, what's wrong?" Liam asks, rounding the car.

Even in my current state, I resist the urge to roll my eyes. "You know what's wrong," I say.

"What? You mean what happened back at the room? I told you, it was a faulty lamp."

"We both know that's not true, Liam."

"No, we don't," he says.

"Oh yeah?" I say, lowering my arms and taking a step towards him. "If that's true, then take my hand," I say, extending it to him.

Immediately, like a knee-jerk reaction, he steps back out of my reach.

Slowly, I lower my hand. "Now tell me again that it was a faulty lamp."

His jaw tightens as he stares back at me. Finally, he turns his back and starts walking back towards the car. I'm about to shout at him when he takes a seat on the concrete at the edge of the clearing.

There's silence for moment, and then the rustling sound of me making my way towards him through the thick grass.

I take a seat next to him, leaving about a foot of space between us. I tug my sleeves down over my hands and draw my knees up to my chest, feeling the cold from the asphalt seep through my jeans.

His elbows are resting on his knees as he stares out at the horizon.

The sky begins its transition from a lilac to a soft orange. The sun will be up any minute now.

He raises a hand to rub the back of his neck. "So whoever's after us... do you think whatever the hell we did that broke that lamp has got something to do with it?"

I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding at his acknowledgement of what I've been wrestling with for the past half hour. "I think it's likely," I reply.

His eyes remain fixed on the skyline. "There's no hiding from this anymore, is there?"

I sigh and lean back on my hands. "I don't think so."

He presses his lips into a straight line and nods his head in agreement. "Then give me your hand."

"What?"

"Give me your hand," he repeats. "Come on, we need to know if this thing is real. We need to understand it."

I lean back out of his reach, before standing up and dusting my hands off on my jeans. "I don't want to understand it, Liam. I want to be rid of it, and you should too," I finish, walking back into the field and away from him. I hear the rustle of the grass as he follows.

"You think I don't?" he calls out. "Ira, if this is the reason those people are after us, then don't you want to know why?"

I whip around to face him. "Isn't that what we've been driving all night for?? To get to this house and find out why?"

He shakes his head at me. "You know I'm right," he says. "We've been trying to hold this thing back our whole lives, and all it's gotten us is - is confusion and heartache and pain. Maybe if we do this, maybe if we just let it happen for once, we'll finally get some answers."

"But we don't know what'll happen. It could be dangerous," I insist.

"It's already dangerous," he replies. "Besides, facing it is better than running away or pretending it's not real, right?"

He takes a step towards me and extends his arm.

"We're in this together, right?"

I hug my arms to my chest and bite the inside of my lip as his words sink in. As I look down at his outstretched hand, a thousand possibilities run through my mind. Thoughts of what could happen if we do this - thoughts of what might happen if we don't.

He's right though. This is a part of myself I've been running from for as long as I can remember, and I'm tired. Tired of pretending, tired of hiding, tired of being afraid to go too far.

He's right. It's time to know why.

I look him in the eyes and nod my head. "Together."

As I reach out and grasp his hand, the sun breaks through the clouds, lighting up the sky as it finally rises over the edge of the horizon.

It's one of the most beautiful sunrises I've ever seen.

And then everything goes black.

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a/n ~ dedicated to @itsjustlisha for asking me to update :)