Looking in a mirror

Self harm

I've been pondering a lot of things this past week but the biggest one is hurting myself. Scratching my face until the frame is boxy enough. Cutting a knife through my chest. Grating my stomachs fat with a cheese grader. Wanting to inflict pain, punish my body for being born like this. Starving myself or at least trying to so I can be skinny enough. But every time I see food I feel the need to eat it, hell I won't even be hungry. Most of the time I just wanna scratch at my whole body. See cuts and bruises littering it. Maybe then I'll be able to process my own pain. The other day I tried to dislocate my thumb. The other day I stepped on glass. The other day I rubbed my hand against wood hoping for maybe some splinter. For something. I usually stick to the basics, peeling at my lips or biting the inside of my cheek. Drinking something really cold or touching something really warm. The more I do that the more I feel real. I remember laying awake at night thinking of how my mom could die and then it just hit omg I'm real, I will die, my mother could die, my sister could die, my grandpa did die. I can't imagine my wold without my mom. I can't imagine my wolf with out my siblings. I don't want to imagine a world like that. I want to go back to pretending everything's fine and that this drama is drama that will fade. Blissful arrogance about death. I never thought I would make it past 13 and now that I have I'm scared. I don't have a plan after this. I can't continue hiding every time someone calls me something mean or outcasts me. What am I doing with me life. I'm sitting on the couch while my sister and brother got to school. The biggest failure I've ever met is me. I had dreams, big ones, to write a book or become a photographer, or a vet or a artist. I'm laying at home doing nothing but cleaning. I'm not practicing my photography, I'm not writing any famous book ideas and I'm definitely not studying to be a vet. So what am I doing? Do I really want to spend 2 years of my life on collage let alone 4-8. What do I want to be, how do I get there. I've always imagined myself having a stable home taking care of frosted kids. I never really put work into that accountability. How would I have a stable home.