Sin City Adventures (A Zak Bagans FanFic)

Chapter 27: Love is Pain

Zak's POV

What did I do? Shawn's right. I can't believe I fed into Angela's stupid fucking game. I just wanted it to end. I kissed her because I wanted it to end. But now, I've lost Shawn. God, I can't lose her. I don't know what to do. Should I go after her? Give her space? This is not what I wanted. She was the love of my life. I could see myself with her. Forever.

I stare at her grandmother's necklace just hoping that she would come back through that door. "Please, Shawn. Please, come back," I plea into the emptiness around me. I buckle onto the floor with my face in my palms and cry, Shawn's necklace laced through my fingers. Why? How? A girl has never influenced me this much in my life.

"So, the only reason you kissed her was to get my necklace back?" The beautiful voice bring me back out of my thoughts. Shawn was barging through the front door walking straight passed me. I quickly come back to my feet trying to find words to speak in my jumbled mess of a brain. Instead I just nod, only realizing her back is to me. She turns around waiting for an answer.

"Yes," I mutter. "You came back," relief takes over my face.

"I never left," she sighs and throws my car keys on the kitchen island. "I just sat in your car." Her eyes are puffy, dry, but red as are mine I'm sure. She had been crying. Just sitting in my car crying. I feel so bad for what I did. Her eyes get watery all over again and she grabs hold of her chest as though he had been stabbed with a knife. I'm sure that's what she feels because I feel it too. "Why, Zak?" she cries. "Why did you have to kiss her? After what she did to me...and to Kelsey!"

"I'm so so--"

"It hurts, Zak. It actually hurts so bad seeing you do that with someone else, no matter the reason. Especially her," she sobs. Her words pain me like a thousand needles being prodded all over my body. "You...you were the one, Zak." She's breathing heavy now, the cancer making ugly self known. "You were my one. I know that sounds ridiculous with our short time of being together, but my time is short. Why didn't you find another way?" Why didn't I find another way?

"I don't know. It was just the moment," I answer truthfully. "It was either the kiss for the necklace or I don't know what else she would've done. Especially when it comes to Chris. I didn't want to find out what the other choice was. I just wanted it over. I knew how much that necklace meant to you...so I just wanted it over." I slowly step closer to her now. "And it's not ridiculous. You're my one." My breathing slows and my eyes start to dry. "You can yell, shove me, hit me, do whatever you want," I tell her as I near her seeing the hurt in her eyes. It makes me want to cry all over again.

"Do you remember when you asked me if I was afraid?" I'm shocked at her question. I was expecting a fist to the face.

"Yeah, I do."

"I lied," she sniffs and wipes the never ending trail of tears. Each word is said slowly with care and meaning. "I'm fucking terrified. I'm terrified of dying. I'm terrified it's going to hurt. I'm terrified I'm going to suffer." I shake my head and cup her face trying to calm her. "I'm terrified that I'm going to die without you with me. I'm terrified to be without you." This hurts to hear. "And I'm terrified that you'll move on when I go, but also if you don't. I'm terrified that you'll be happier with someone else; love someone else, but also if you don't." I gasp unwillingly at her words as my hands leave her face. "It actually hurts to love you, Zak, because I love you so fucking much. It hurts. But that pain, that love that I have for you makes me feel...alive. And I want to live. I don't want to die," she shakes her head and continues. "So, I want to fight for you, I want to hurt for you. Because I want to live. I want to love you...to love you so much that it hurts."

I'm dumbfounded by these painful confessions that she spoke so beautifully. I don't know how to show her the affection I feel towards her because it's too great. I engulf her in my embrace and kiss her ever so gently, but with more passion than I could express with words. I love her. I'm so in love with her and I wanted the world to know it. Shawn jumps and wraps her legs around my torso as I take each step carefully bringing us to the bedroom.