Our Little Secret [ Max Verstappen ]

part five

Pre season testing, Bahrain, day 1.
—

Lilia took one last glance at the man who became a stranger over the winter before hopping into the cockpit of her car. She knew it was pathetic to hang onto what happened last year, but still, it was at the forefront of her thoughts constantly.

Max, unbeknownst to Lilia, continued to watch her.

Does he think about her?
Does he even remember what happened? Or was he so broken that he got himself into such a blind, drunken state which left his thoughts entirely clouded and caused him to cling to the nearest lips in an attempt to heal himself?

Lilia knew all about Max's father. And vice versa. The two found some kind of hope in their situations through what could perhaps be classed as a friendship back when they were karting. Every Sunday she looked forward to seeing him; seeing someone who listened to her. That she actually could relate to. It offered her the comfort that she hadn't felt since her mother's death. And, although max struggled to admit it, he needed her too.

For them to have that close of a bond, that would then turn to nothing, until more than 10 years later when they're reunited as teammates was confusing because she didn't know how to feel. With a kiss that was so intimate it crossed her mind at least once every day since it happened, surely they couldn't just become strangers again?

Lilia had to force herself to turn off her subconscious as she left the garage, focusing solely on the car now. After all, this was the most important year of her life. Her rookie season in formula one. She was a strong female prospect for the first time in years. With all of that pressure, she knew she had to keep focused.

She was also the only red bull driver out on track today, meaning she had no teammate to compare herself too. Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing she didn't know yet On the one hand, there was slightly less pressure and that meant less media attention comparing her to a man and already claiming she didn't deserve to be in formula one. But on the other hand, she had no one to force her to push herself to the absolute limit and prove herself competitively.
It's only testing. You don't have to be perfect right now. She calmed herself down briefly before she crossed the line to start her very first lap.

***

At the end of the session, Gasly had topped the timesheets. The Ferrari's were in second and third, the Mercedes shockingly in 9th and 11th which no one expected due to their prior domination, and Lilia sat in 10th.

10th on a grid of 15.

And to add to that she had spun off into a gravel trap, causing a red flag. Sure, it was only testing, but she felt sick. It wasn't good enough. She had already made a mistake. She was the only driver out on the track that had made a mistake.
Max wouldn't make a mistake. She told herself.

Upon making her way back to the garage, she could have burst into tears, but she had to keep it together. If she showed her frustration there would only be more negative consequences in the media on top of her mistake. Parking her car in the garage, Lilia stepped out, keeping her helmet on her head and quickly walking inside to avoid anyone. She turned the corner and leant against the wall before slumping to the floor.

The one positive from the day was that her father wasn't here. Even if he called later that night she would simply ignore it. He had COVID and was isolating at home, thank goodness. Any other person would obviously not be happy about that, in fact they'd probably be panicked and upset. But, for Lilia, she was just glad that she wouldn't have to deal with his wrath after disappointing results. It was refreshing.

After a few moments she removed her helmet along with her balaclava and sighed deeply. She stared at the wall, not really thinking about anything in that moment.

....

"Lilia?" His voice came from her left.
She turned her head.
"Max.." She said, her voice elevated with slight surprise.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"Oh, yeah.. I'm fine. Just frustrated at myself." She said. And at you. She added privately.

"It'll be fine. Testing isn't usually accurate.. we've got to get our car right and it's not magic. Plus.. no offence to Lance but him being 4th on the time sheets is not exactly realistic." He said, trying to cheer her up, and it seemed to work as a small smile formed on her face.
"I guess so. But I just want to do better, you know?" She said.
"Yeah, I get it.." He said, his gaze lingering on her as he spoke.
"If Horner comes looking for me say you don't know where I am. I'll speak with him later. I just need some time alone.." she said.
"Is that your way of telling me to go away too?" He asked.
"Kind of.." She said.
He smiled. "Alright." He said.

As he started to walk away the urge to know if he remembered the events of that night in Abu Dhabi just got a little stronger.
"Hey, Max?" She plucked up the courage for a brief moment to ask.
"Yeah?" He said.
But then it shrunk to nothing once again as she told herself to stop being stupid. "Uhm.. I don't know- never mind." She said.
He looked at her and frowned along with a small, soft smile that made her stomach tie in a knot. ".. right." He said.

They exchanged a long stare before he finally turned around and walked away.

***

After the first day of testing concluded she returned to her hotel room and actually ended up throwing up all over the place. There was a sickness bug that seemed to be floating around the paddock, but in this case she understood that it was her anxiety reaching a high yet again. Still, she informed the team and now she won't be running in testing tomorrow, lying that she had caught it. It was probably in her best interests, but she knew the kind of backlash she was leaving herself open to. The night was sleepless, of course. That was already decided from the moment her father send her over a hundred furious text messages that were injected with venom with the sole purpose to hurt his own daughter. She felt the familiar feeling of emotion rising in her throat, like the wind just before a big storm that weaken all of her barriers and strong mind and makes it a million times easier for the floods of tears that come out to destroy it all.

She ended up turning her phone on to silent and putting it on the other side of the room. Reading those messages would do her no good at all. She just put herself back into her little bubble and convinced herself he didn't mean any of it.

After another hour passed, she became desperate to just fall asleep; squeezing her eyes shut and tossing and turned so she could maybe find a comfortable position.
Maybe the rock solid mattress wasn't much of a help, but one thing was for sure, it wasn't the main reason she couldn't rest.

Max. How was it possible that one man could run circles around her mind? He took over every thought. She even questioned if her mistake today was down to such distractions. She had only two choices: to get him out of her mind for good, or to confess everything to him.