Schizoaffective Disoder

4

Let's talk about more hallucinations and delusions I have!

A lot of the things I see are people. It use to be just the black shadow figure, but recently, I've been seeing men with white skin color and actual clothes. I also see my cat run around me too, even tho she's asleep somewhere or in a different room. I also see lights flash from places where there should be no light coming from such as the wall, a light switch, a wooden stand, the floor, you get the idea.

I also thought I had like, a brain tumor before I was diagnosed because sometimes, such as the time I was watching television in the mental hospital, a portion of what I can see turns black and white. I asked the doctor that put me on meds if it was a side effect of the pills and he laughed at me.

But other things have momentarily lost color such as the floor, the sky, a person, blah blah blah.

I have had many delusions since I was a kid.

I use to think I was part god, or at least at god's level because I could talk to god and the devil. I truly believed that I had full control over angels and demons and that nothing could harm me.

Later I thought I was the spawn of the devil and that demons were after me, trying to drag me off to hell.

To this day, three 6 still make me uncomfortable as fuck.

More recently, I feel that there are layers and rows of cameras in every wall of the room I am in. Every time I explain it, I say, "they're watching me" but I have no idea who they are.

I also feel that nothing around me is real. I am in a big box, nothing I can't see exists, I'm only told it does. Everything I see is fake. It's all a hologram that scientists out there to see how I would react to events. My mom isn't my mom, none of my family is really my family. They're actors. They're all actors helping to watch me. People only exist when they interact with me.

It's pretty scary and makes you lose a lot of trust in those around you.

Everyone hates me.

I can't get rid of that thought till today.

The voices obviously don't help.

But every time someone looks at me, doesn't look at me, smiles, doesn't smile, frowns, sighs or does literally anything, it feels like it's them talking shit about me.

I don't wanna go to work anymore. I hate feeling like all my coworkers hate me and find me annoying. I have the voices telling me how the customers are spies and hate me. I hate the sudden voices begging me to steal their money and run. I hate the voices telling me to hurt myself.