Athanasia

"I would Be Deeply Hurt"

HOLY SHIT! 

So this was the reason, why all the others were hellbent being in a relationship?

Because you had access to THIS every day!?

Jae's warm lips captured my mouth, his tongue playing with mine in a dominant, yet tender way. His strong arms held me possessively, as if he didn't plan to release me any time soon.

My body felt warm, my mind fuzzy...I couldn't form any single intelligent thought.

Jae felt so good... he ...smelled so good. I could get addicted having him at my side, never wanting to let go.

Without having any comparison I KNEW, he was a pro at what he was doing. No wonder; he was experienced.

And that's when my brain activated itself again.

I interrupted his passionate kiss, leaning back in his arms.

For a moment I saw his furrowed eyebrows, the incomprehension, before he bent his head to capture my lips again.

"No, Jae, wait. We have to talk." Jae heard the resolution in my voice, because although hesitant, he released me from his arms.

I stepped back, taking a deep breath. My heart was pounding in my chest. 

MY FIRST KISS! 

Carefully I touched my lips under the watchful stare of Jae. They were swollen and tender. He watched my movements with a little smirk forming in the corner of his lips. He was proud, to have my first kiss!

Clearing my throat, I avoided his gaze.

"Asia ...you ..."

With my raised hand I stopped what he wanted to say. "Wait a minute, let me talk first."

Jae nodded slowly, but I saw the impatience and ... alarm on his features. He knew, I would say something, he could not easily accept.

Pulling myself together, I was determined to clarify this situation.

"Okay; I understand that in some way you want me, you stated the fact very professionally," my voice laced with irony.

Jae's face shifted from impatience to dawning understanding.

"No, Asia, I know what you are thinking, it's..."

"No, let me finish, Jae", I demanded in a firm voice. Huffing he waited for my next words.

"I told you, I didn't have a boyfriend, I am inexperienced."

Jae's nodded, his full attention on me.

"You on the other hand are very experienced...to be more precisely, a player, from what I have heard and seen."

My statement left Jae agitated. 

"Hey, wait a minute. A player? WHAT exactly have you seen, Asia? Okay, there was Stella, I admit. But after that night, I didn't sleep with anybody, because my eyes were set on YOU!", his index finger indicating in my direction.

"So, you are not somebody, who is not commited, who sleeps around, never seeking a real girlfriend?", I shot my words at him.

I saw his grinding jaw, saw the defeat...and at the same time a little bit of anger. 

"Yes, I don't have a girlfriend. Yes, I slept around. Is it forbidden? I dind't hurt anybody because I was very clear in what I want, when I met a girl. I was not deceiving anybody about my intentions. The only girl I had some kind of steady relation, was Stella. She and I were on a regular basis sleeping together, but that's all it was. We had sex, Asia. Both with the clear understanding, that we didn't want a commited relationship."

Now my eyebrows furrowed. "And you think your statement speaks for your character? You only dig your own grave."

Jae took two fast steps in my direction, standing now in front of me.

"What? You think being sexually active as a young adult is some kind of sin? Do you think, having sex outside of a relationship is an evidence of a bad character? You think, I can't be trusted, can't be faithful?", he threw his accusations at me. 

"No, certainly not, I am not a puritan, Jae. But a player is a player and to be honest, not my favourite prospect for the award 'boyfriend of the year'."

Jae lowered his head, his hands on his hips. 

Instantly I regretted my words. I was not the judge of him and his ways of leading his life. I had no right to make accusations. But I had all the right to decide, if he was the right guy for me.

"Listen, Jae. I am sorry, If I offended you, that was not my intention. But...if you want a relationship with me...I have to say", I took a deep breath, "I don't want to be together with a former player."

Now he crossed his arms in a obviously defensive way. His body language and mimic spoke volumes. He felt, that he sat as a culprit on the dock of a court.

"Sorry, Jae, but it's hard for me to trust a guy, who couldn't commit. Can't you understand?"

I saw the resolve in his eyes. He didn't want to lose me. He wouldn't let me slip through his fingers.

"I am not thickheaded, Asia. I  can understand, that a girl like you, want's a good guy as a first boyfriend. A guy, who can be trusted. But why do you think, I CAN'T be that guy?" He watched my face like a hawk.

"You know, there is a reason, why I wasn't in a loving relationship", he uttered with determination.

"Because I wasn't in love ... never." He shook his head in a resolute way. "I never met a girl who touched my heart. Yes, I met many beautiful, smart and kind girls. But never have I felt a deep connection to any of them, never have I felt an instant spark,  the want, to be with them, to care for them, to protect them. Never, Asia! So why is it wrong, to enjoy life? I was always honest with the girls I slept with, reassuring myself, that they wanted the same as me: a good time together, even if only for a night."

Jae reached for my right hand and I let him take it. He stroke my palm tenderly. His arctic blue eyes pled with me. "When I saw you stand up on us...felt your power...I was simply caught off guard, Asia. You impressed me with you courage and your sass, with your sharp clear words in front of our principal. The next days I observed you through the halls, the cafeteria. You kept by yourself, strong, proud. I felt overwhelmed by desire and want. Yes, I of want to be with you, Asia ... so much, it tortures me. I want to be in a relationship with you, I want this commitment and I promise, to be faithful, to be true in my feelings and intentions. Please, don't hold my past gainst me. It's exactly that, my past, don't judge me too harsh for it"

He inhaled deeply. "I want you to be my girlfriend, Asia. But if you say no, because you don't trust me to be honest and commited to you, I would be disappointed in you. But if you have other reasons to turn me down, I can understand and accept your rejection, although I would be deeply hurt."

Helplessly and unsure, I watched the despair on his features.