School Break

Swimming

A/N (AND A TW: death and PTSD) 
I'm gonna start writing in third person from now on, first person pov is annoying and I hate writing like that. It feels like a y/n story if its in first person
(No offense to people who like first person POV ofc, I just prefer third person)
oh yeah and sorry for the TW's. Going to try and tackle Kaz's backstory today
alr that's all, thx for reading <3
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Kaz hated the idea of malls. People were everywhere, always in a rush, bumping shoulders with strangers they didn't know.  He didn't mind ditching, trouble was a distant friend of his. Always lingering around, it seemed to follow him where he went. It was going out that he didn't like, he didn't want to watch a group of women ogle at the newest steamy romance novel in a book store, he didn't want to hear the laughter of teenage girls trying on new clothes. Most of all he didn't want to be suffocated in herd of people, feeling trapped and useless. 
He walked beside Inej on the way, paying little attention as Wylan rushed past him when they arrived.
He just wanted to get through this. It's one time, it'll be over quick he told himself. he sounded weak, like a child when he knew trouble was coming. What was that thing Inej always told him? Fear is an acquaintance, it meant something was going to happen. He shook it off, he needed to stop overthinking this, it wouldn't be that bad if he just pushed through. 

"Stop sulking, I know you hate crowds but we'll find the quiet places" Inej's voice floated in the air, breaking his concentration. "I'm fine." He picked up his pace, she shook her head. "You're stubborn." she looked disappointed. He brushed it off, if she wanted to talk about feelings then she should go find Nina.  
Jesper and Nina ran into the store, Jesper looked back one more time but quickly got distracted by something displayed in a window. 
"I'm going to stay out here. I'll go in to get a coffee but then I'm going to sit on that bench and read."
 He didn't want to go in there, it was too much.
He had hated large crowds since the day Jordie died. His brother had drowned in a lake at his uncles house. It was a normal summer day, Kaz was 9 at the time, Jordie was 13. He swore that he could swim all the way across, he assured Kaz that he could do it.
He couldn't.
 Kaz watched from the wooden deck. His parents and uncle went inside to prepare lunch.
Kaz always wondered what would have happened if they had stay just a few more minutes, but wonder is a dangerous thing. It can tear a person apart. 
Jordie had started to swim across, he was doing well until he reached the middle.
 Then he went under.
He tried to stay up but couldn't, it was as if someone was pulling him down and he wasn't strong enough to fight it. Kaz yelled his brothers name, he stood up and looked for any sign of life. The water stilled and that's when Kaz jumped.
His head went under, water stung his eyes. It was pitch black, a whole new world under the surface. A dangerous one, Kaz searched until he felt his lungs were going to explode. He swam up for air and saw Jordie floating face down. The realization of what happened hit Kaz like a bag of bricks.
His brother was dead and it was all Kaz's fault.
Kaz swam to him, his legs burned but he had to get Jordie to land. He had to find a way to fix this. 
Kaz grabbed onto his brother and swam, his body ached, his lungs burned. Eventually they made it to the dock.
 Kaz pulled Jordie up. He searched for any strand of living, but found nothing. He soon started crying, a real cry. His sobs reaching no one, he felt alone. A wretched sound escaped his body, he hated himself for this, he hated Jordie for being stupid and trying to cross the lake, but most of all Kaz hated himself for letting him try.
His parents came back soon, he remembered the crash of the plates as they hit the ground when they saw Jordies body, his dad wrapped an arm around Kaz's shoulders and cried, his mom hugging Jordies body tight, but most of all Kaz felt numb. 
It had been eight years, but somehow the wound of his brothers death never left. It marked Kaz, he knew that. He hated the feel of skin on skin, he couldn't stand being in large groups, sometimes he couldn't sleep, Jordies ghost followed him. Taunting Kaz, he always asked why hadn't Kaz tried harder? Why hadn't he objected when Jordie said he was going to attempt to swim across. Kaz hated every second of it. 

Inej looked at him, "why?" it was a simple enough question, and she probably deserved an answer. Kaz knew she did, but what could he say?
  Well I don't like being in large places with a lot of people because I watched as my brother drowned and I couldn't do anything. 
"Does it matter? You go and find Nina and Jesper and have a grand old time. I'll be here enjoying myself." Kaz pushed open the big double doors, the smell of cheap cleaner and freshly made pretzels filling his nose. He shuddered as a group of small children rushed beside him, their shoulders coming in contact with Kaz's leg.  Inej rolled her eyes. "I'd like it better if you came, besides I don't want you to sit out there all by yourself." Kaz looked at her, she stared into his eyes.
 He shrugged "I'll stay for a few then going outside." She smiled, "thank you, see? You're not so mean and edgy as you seem" a smile tugged at his lips. "Oh I'm very mean, you just haven't seen it" he knew that was a lie. She had seen him be mean, she had watched as he beat kids up behind the cafeteria, she had seen him ruin reputations of jocks because of the things they said while drunk at a party, she had been there as he slowly became a monster. A thing that waited in the shadows, he knew not many people liked him. He also knew that it didn't matter. 

Kaz stood in the back while Nina and Inej pulled shirts off racks, he was patient when they ordered food. He wanted to be there for them, he wanted to be there for Inej but something was holding him back. Telling him to withdraw from the conversation, to grimace when Nina made a comment on what Kaz should buy, to ignore Matthias when he offered to get him a drink from the hot dog stand. But Kaz was there all at the same time. He spoke when Inej tried on a pair of glasses and asked his opinion, he noticed when Jesper slipped away but soon came back with Wylan, he noted when Matthias carried Nina's bags everywhere. Kaz didn't want to stand in the back, he wanted to fix the wound in him. He wanted to push down the need to vomit when someone touched him. He craved for it, he saw the need to change and he was going to take action.