Abusive Love

51. New Mindset (Unedited)

1 month later

Tamarius Chiaro (/chià·ro/) Ramone, my baby boy. I know the middle name seems random, but it's the male version of Claire, my best friend. I don't know if I'll ever see her again after everything, but she really was the only one who stood beside me, and I left her for a man I barely knew. I hope she has an amazing life, even if I won't be apart of it. She was like my other half and I wish I didn't have to choose between him or her, but I already chose him and I can't go back now. Jay would have never wanted me to commemorate her, so I had to be sneaky, but Tamarius will know of his godmother when he gets older. 

I've never felt love like this. I now spend all my days just holding Mari and looking into his big chocolate eyes. Jay hasn't been aggressive at all lately. Every time he gets upset, he leaves the room instead of blowing up. Everything has been going good, but lately, I've been feeling really lonely. Sure I have Jay, but I don't have any girlfriends. I miss Claire, but I could never tell Jay that. I haven't left the house in months, and I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know how Jay will react when I say I want to leave, but given his recent personality change, I'm hoping he'll be more lenient. I love him, and I have to give this another try... for Mari.

"Hey baby," I said once I walked into the kitchen where he was cooing at Mari.

"Hey," He responded, but he was completely focused on Mari, which made me laugh.

"I've been thinking lately about how lonely I am. I'm trapped in the house all day and night. I think I need to socialize with other people, like join a mom group or something." I said really quickly hoping he would just mindlessly say yes due to Mari, but of course, he was listening to every single word.

Jay stood there for a moment, deep in thought, and the room was filled with suffocating silence. Finally, he opened his mouth and looked at me with dark eyes.

"Everything is going so good, and you always have to ruin it. You have everything you need here, me and Tamarius." He said in a stern tone.

I let out a dramatic sigh and stomped up the stairs while ignoring him calling my name. It had been so long since Jay had done or said anything, I'd gotten comfortable. I was sitting in our room looking at Facebook groups for new moms when Jay came in without Tamarius. I looked up and glared at him, daring him to try me. Seeing this soft side in him made me forget there was still a bad.

"Where's Mari?" I asked while still looking at my laptop.

"I've been really trying Simone, but you keep doing shit to push me. You think I wont still fuck you up just cause your the mother of my child, huh?" He said in that tone, reminding me of everything before Mari was here.

My body immediately became tense, and the hairs on my arms were raised. How could I be so stupid? I knew how he was, and I still got an attitude. I can't keep acting like this now that we have our son, what if he walks in on us one day? Speaking of Mari, where the hell was he? Was Jay going to take him away from me as a punishment?

"Where's my son Jay," I asked in a pleading tone.

"Your son? Bitch don't forget I own you and him, and what you really think I'd hurt him? He's not the problem you are. You know I've been way too lenient, don't worry he won't be able to hear you scream." Jay growled while walking toward me in a painfully slow manner.

I began to pathetically beg and apologize, I can't believe I used to be strong and fight. I ran away, I was free. I felt weaker than I had ever felt as he hit me. It was like my sanity was slipping away, and my hope was with it. I didn't even resist when Jay threw me on the bed like a rag doll and proceeded to do what he does best, hurt me like so many times before. Tears fell silently done my face as I closed my eyes and thought of anything but this. If I would have not gotten an attitude, this wouldn't have happened, he's been so good to me, and I ruined it. After he finished, he kissed my forehead and got in the shower. Such a gentle act after something so violent. I walked into the guest bathroom and looked at my busted lip and the bruises scattered on my body. Luckily he didn't aim for my face and I still looked relatively decent if I wore a long sleeve. I quickly washed my lip and went into Mari's nursery, he was sleeping soundly with no idea of the horrors that had just gone on in the other room. He was innocent and pure, and If I listened to Jay he would stay that way. I just have to be good. I'll be good.

(885 words)

Writers block and schools are kicking my ass, but I hope you enjoy!

p.s. I know I created her and put her in this situation, but those end sentences had be feeling hella bad oml