"What do you feel now? You can tell me everything," Dr. Virez, my psychiatrist, said.
I smiled at her and bit my lower lip. "Hmm, there's still a little emptiness... but I don't feel as miserable and pathetic as before. I'm... happier than before. Thank you for everything."
Dr. Virez smiled. "That's good to hear. You don't have to thank me for it. You really did a great job in healing yourself. I'm genuinely happy for you."
I still thanked her for all the patience that she poured to me for the past years. I remembered being so hopeless before. I lost count on how many times I tried to give up on healing myself. It's a good thing that I didn't give up.
"Pupunta ako sa restaurant mo paminsan-minsan para kumain. I heard a lot of good reviews sa mga dishes mo roon," nakangiting sabi ni Dr. Virez habang hinahatid ako palabas ng office niya.
I chuckled. "I'll give you a discount, don't worry."
Pagkatapos kong dumaan kay Dr. Virez, dumiretso na ako sa restaurant. Every week kasi talaga akong pumupunta kay Dr. Virez para magpakonsulta. Palagi niyang sinasabi na ang laki ng improvement ko, I felt that too. Pakiramdam ko, ibang iba na ako ngayon. Pakiramdam ko may lugar na ako sa mundo.
"Ma'am Luisa!"
Yumakap agad sa akin ang isa rin sa chef sa restau ko na si Bonnie. She's always bubbly and energetic, maybe because she's just 22 years old. She's a good chef despite being young. Halata rin na mahal na mahal niya ang pagluluto.
"Hello, kumusta naman?" tanong ko na lang.
Tanghali kaya ang daming tao sa restau. I just smiled as I roamed my eyes around the place. I still couldn't believe that the small restaurant that I build just last year flourished like this.
I remember being lost when I first step foot here in Palawan. I didn't get help from anyone, kahit kay Neron hindi ako humingi ng tulong. That time, I just wanted to be alone, and think about life... Kung ano ba ang dapat kong gawin sa buhay ko.
Caius was my life... it was hard for me to find purpose in my life aside from loving him. But I still tried harder, though it wasn't easy. All my life, I etched in my mind that I have no purpose in life. Itinatak ko sa isip ko na walang kwenta ang buhay ko. Lumaki ako na ganoon ang paulit-ulit kong ipinapasok sa isip ko. Dr. Virez had a hard time with me. But I'm thankful that she didn't give up.
I took culinary arts program three years ago. Marami agad ang naging offer sa akin nang maka-graduate ako, but I chose having my own restaurant. I want to have freedom in my dishes. I want to cook with no restrictions, I want to invent dishes freely. I just want to cook. Bonus na lang na kumikita ako ng malaki.
"Ma'am Luisa, may flowers na naman sa office mo. Meron din mga alahas. Galing sa mga gusto manligaw sa'yo. Nakakastress. Naii-stress ka rin ba maging maganda, Ma'am?" pangungulit ni Bonnie saka yumakap sa braso ko.
Natawa na lang ako nang pumasok kami sa office. I looked at the flowers, chocolates, and jewelries on my table. I shook my head and sighed. Almost all of them are from rich bachelors. Sinubukan kong isauli ang mga binibigay nila, pero hindi naman nila tinatanggap.
So, it means... those are mine now.
"Bonnie," I called her.
"Yes, Ma'am ganda?" she asked and even saluted. She's always full of energy.
"Sa inyo na ang mga 'yan. Paghati-hatian niyo ng mga staff at chef."
Natigilan si Bonnie sa sinabi ko. "Hala, Ma'am? Pati 'yung mga jewelries?"
I nodded. "Yes, even the jewelries. Basta kapag may nagpapadala ng mga ganiyan, kuhanin niyo na lang agad. Okay?"
Kahit nag-aalangan, tumango na lang si Bonnie. Nagtawag pa siya ng kasama para kuhanin ang mga kung ano-ano sa table ko.
I just sighed and sat on my swivel chair after that. I'm quite busy these past few weeks. Plano ko kasi na magtayo ng isa pang branch ng restaurant ko, which is Delizia, it means delight in Italian. I wasn't very creative when it comes to this. Si Bonnie lang ang nag-isip ng pangalan na 'yon.
I stood up and looked at the body mirror in my office. I tied my waist length hair into a bun then wore a hairnet. I straightened my peach mid-thigh length halter dress with my palm, then wore my apron... I look neat... and maybe, pretty... I stared at myself in the mirror. I have a small heart-shaped face, doe eyes, naturally long eyelashes, small and pointed nose, thin and pinkish lips, white pale skin, black hair... and sexy body. Some calls me Snow White. I don't know if they really find me as pretty as her, or baka naman inaasar lang nila ako.
Ever since I started taking care of myself, I started to think that maybe, I'm really pretty. Halos araw-araw na yata na may pumupunta sa akin para manligaw. Wala naman silang mapapala sa akin.
Nagsimula na lang akong tumulong sa pagluluto. Paspasan dahil ang daming tao. Apat lang kaming chef at cook dito.
Natapos ang lunch time na pagod na pagod kami.
"Hay! Kaloka! Ang daming customer. Puro lalaki pa. Siguro nagpapapansin na naman mga 'yon sa'yo, Ma'am Luisa," sabi pa ni Bonnie saka nagtaas-baba ng kilay sa akin.
"Sino'ng nagpapapansin kay Luisa?"
Natigilan ako nang marinig ang boses ni Neron. I just smiled at him when his gaze turned at me. Lumapit siya saka humalik sa noo ko. Seryosong tumingin siya sa akin pagkatapos. "Sino na naman ba ang mga nanliligaw sa'yo?"
I chuckled and shrugged. "Kung sino-sino lang."
"Wow. Kaloka. Ma'am, 'yung isa nga ro'n, may ari pa ng pinakamalaking mall sa Maynila," singit ni Bonnie.
Neron shook his head. "Grabe. Ang in demand mo naman. Kung ginawa mo na lang akong boyfriend mo, hindi ka na mahihirapan magreject," pagpaparinig pa niya.
I'm really thankful to Neron, but I can't accept his love. Noong nakaraang taon din nang aminin niya sa'kin na matagal niya na 'kong mahal. Malaki ang pasasalamat ko kay Neron. Talagang sinundan niya ako rito sa Palawan four years ago nang malaman niya na nandito ako. Sinubukan niya akong tulungan sa mga kailangan ko pero tinanggihan ko dahil gusto kong tumayo sa sarili ko. But still, he stayed by my side. It was more than enough.
As much as I want to love him back... I just can't.
Napatingin ako kay Bonnie, nakita ko ang sakit sa mga mata niya sa sinabi ni Neron, pero hindi na lang nagsalita... Isa rin si Bonnie sa mga dahilan kaya hindi ko ma-entertain ang nararamdaman ni Neron. Bukod sa ayaw kong paasahin si Neron, ayaw ko rin na masaktan si Bonnie.
I see my old self in her... The way she looks at Neron, the way she daydreams about him, the way she cares for him... I see my old self. I was also like that before. Kaya rin siguro higit na mas mabait ako kay Bonnie kaysa sa iba.
"Sir Neron, hindi ka nga niya talaga gusto. Kaya ako na lang. Hindi ako kasing ganda ni Ma'am Luisa, pero mahal naman kita!" sabi na lang ni Bonnie, tila dinadaan na lang sa banat ang sakit na naramdaman.
Neron's eyes narrowed. "Stop it, Bonita. You're too young for me... you're literally ten years younger than me. Maghanap ka na lang ng ka-edad mo," pagsusungit ni Neron saka umakbay sa akin. "Diba, Luisa?" he wriggled his eyebrows and kissed my cheek. He's always like that. Ayos lang naman dahil hindi naman ako uncomfy. Pero itinulak ko na lang siya dahil nakatingin si Bonnie.
"Bakit ka pala nandito?" tanong ko na lang sa kaniya.
"Oh, oo nga pala. I'm here to talk about Delizia. I told you, mag-i-invest ako sa'yo, at business partners na tayo."
