The Object Of All My Desires ⚣

It's okay to not be okay.

Pete's life advice number 10: 

It's okay to not be okay. 

And it's also okay to want to pretend that you are okay so that society can accept you. Because at the end of the day nobody wants to be friends with someone who has a sad life. 

When I was a child, my mother gave me two gifts: One was brokenness and the second was loneliness. 

My brokenness was derived from the fact that unlike most kids I would not be happy or even excited to go home after school, but I had nowhere else to go; it was seeing the parents happily playing with their children and realizing that perhaps I would never get to experience that. 

My loneliness was derived from the cold lunches after school I would have to prepare because my mother was working two jobs while my father was probably involved in another street fight. Either badly injured or enjoying the wins of his fights, which was almost never. 

I remembered thinking after my father died and I had moved in with my Grandparents that friendships, love from my maternal grandparents or even a cute boy could heal my pain. Only to realize that both my brokenness and loneliness were both chronic and never ending and that no cute boy or girl, no endless shower of love and attention from my grandparents and no number of friendships could heal the trauma and preconceptions my mind had built about me in the past 14 years of my life. 

The feelings I had did lessen when I left my village and moved to Bangkok and met Arm and Pol and eventually Porsche and Chay (Even Tem and Jom had a minor impact on lessening my feelings). 

But before those feelings had even remotely lessened, I realized that I had received another gift when I was a kid. This one was from my father. I was not even aware of the existence of the gift until I was non-stop smashing the face of the kid who had pushed Arm down the stairs, and he ended up in a coma. 

That gift that my bast*rd of a father gave me was one of darkness. 

This gift scared me the most, because when my darkness would engulf me, I would have no memory of it and while I could play dumb later on; I knew that I was very much capable of murder if I was left in the wrong circumstances. 

The fact that all four: Arm, Pol, Porsche and Chay saw that version of me and chose to be friends with me was what made me more determined to get rid of my darkness. I refused to let my father's gift destroy the very fragile life I was trying to make for myself. 

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The lunch with the Theerapanyakuls was the worst decision of my life. 

This lunch was like facing all of my worst insecurities on one table: a loving mom, bickering siblings, warm food and loud conversations. It was as if my demons had awakened and were laughing at my life decisions. 

So, I did what I did best, I became happy and socially competent Pete. 

Happy Pete wouldn't break down into tears like I wanted to. Of course, I needed something that wouldn't make me slip into the thoughts being spouted by my demons. So, Khun sharing his problems and nobody else trying to solve them felt like a blessing to me. 

Tell me all your worries and I will solve them for you Khun. 

Be my saviour. 

"And he has a massive crush on him. He even took admission in K University to be with him." Kinn commented mockingly.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. KINN?

Why would you bring that up? 

What does this achieve?