It was not what Sicheng expected no, it was not even what Sicheng would think of even for a worst case scenario. Everything that happened to him those past few hours, his father coming out as a gay man and introducing his husband who was 24 years younger than he is, the family's uproar of mixed reactions... Sicheng could not recount everything. His memory was fuzzy, he trudged his way to his bedroom and fell down on the floor, hitting his head.
He winced in pain as he seemed to snap out of the initial shock, then he heard his mother crying. At first, it was soft little sobs but soon it turned into a full blown wailing, the kind of crying you'd hear from a wife whose beloved husband died. The type of crying which seemed to mourn.
Suddenly, as if the air inside Sicheng's lungs were knocked out and he felt his fingers itching and clawing their way to his neck gasping for air. He got up and tore his curtains down, slamming the windows open as the cold winter-like winds hit the room in an instant; cooling down the flames in his lungs. His tears stung his cheeks and stained the floor wet with salt. And as he bit his lips to stop them from quivering, he could feel his busted lip bleeding again.
Because Sicheng snapped. Anger and disappointment roared inside of him and made his ears and his fingertips burn, he could not calm down anymore. He had beat the shit out of his father the moment his father announced his homosexuality to the world. He was shaking with fury. His siblings had jumped him and beat him black and blue for a mess he made of their father. Because he had called Xuxi a whore and a pathetic one at that. He called Meiling a little bitch that same evening before dinner. Meiling slapped him, hard and fast; his ears rang but he did not back down. She left soon after. The worst part was that his mother had thrown a vase at him; landing right at his head and breaking into little pieces, scratching and digging into his skin. Sicheng's soul broke along with that vase. Because he wanted to do something right for his mother, all for the sake of loving her.
Sicheng died that day
Sicheng's world had very few people in it. But still there was no one who'd tend his wounds, nor hold his head or pat his back as he cried out into the night air. Salty tears stinging his face, seeping into the tiny cuts.
It was two in the morning when Sicheng with puffy red eyes, bruised thighs and ribs stared at the city lights, with pieces of porcelain stuck in his hair; his sister's handprint on his cheeks. He kept staring at the city lights. The sky was very clear that night and if Sicheng looked up he would have seen it too, stars spreading across the sky twinkling. It was a beautiful sight. But Sicheng didn't. All because Someone had told him that his room had a great night time view.
So he kept staring
And staring
and staring
Till he stopped feeling his nose
Then his fingers
Then his legs
Till he could feel his heartbeat slowing down
His ears didn't feel hot anymore
He kept looking at the city lights
Till he felt his head was too heavy and his heart too numb too quick.
In the back of my mind
you died
The end
