Starting over again ||Kim Taehyung||

IX

Running back to his hotel room, Taehyung panted heavily as warm tears rolled down his cheeks. He slided down through the wall, holding his head feeling extreme guilt and sadness that made him break down. Registering the truth of your eloping, he realised that deep down he was one of the reasons too.

His heart skipped a beat everytime he imagined your state back then, he saw the smile on your face but couldn't judge it was fake.

"Taehyung..." he looked up to see the older one looking at him in a known expression, as if the latter knew what was going on in the younger one's head. He crouched down as Taehyung immediately hugged his hyung.

"Y-Yoongi Hyung I-I" he cries harder while panting in his hyung's arms, mumbling multiple sorry's.

"Calm down...it's okay" Yoongi shuffled his arms to slightly pat the younger one's back while murmuring quite comforting words.

"Did you talk to her?" He asked as Taehyung nodded while still crying.

"W-why?.." he cried more, questioning why all these happened in your lives.

"Taehyung~ah, I know both of you well and I understand both of you. That's why I couldn't make myself hate her even after she ran away because I know she had some reason. There's nothing wrong to expect but we should understand that our expectations shouldn't hurt the reality. I heard you both just now... Your families expected her to be the best wife, daughter and daughter-in-law forgetting the fact that first she needed to be the best of herself. To escape the expectations, she jumped into her reality. I am not saying she was right for running neither I am justifying her actions but the least we can do is respect her decision and not blame her....We should not forget that even if it was her decision, she still suffered. When she left you still had dozens of people helping and supporting you...but she was still alone. Even her family supports you over her..." Yoongi calmly said. "but I know, even after having everyone you still needed her.." He added as he caressed Taehyung's hair. It was not him or you, it was the situation that played the role.

"I hurted her hyung, I hurted her, I never understood her. S-she went t-through so much but I didn't look through her...I-I blamed her that s-she didn't trust me b-but I never won her trust s-so how-" taehyung hiccuped whilst looking at yoongi who was listening calmly.

"I n-never knew that she was under so much pressure. I couldn't even understand that I was rushing her so much...All these years, I blamed her because of my insecurities but now I know I was never a good boyfriend to her...I was selfish-" he sniffed and managed to say.

"You weren't selfish" Yoongi shook his head while speaking. "You just loved her too much.." Taehyung looked back.

"For you, you wanted to keep her with you and live with her because you were so much in love with her, it wasn't that you didn't understand her but at that time, you just misconceived that she also wants the same, you thought that just like you, she wants to get married too and of course she wanted to spend her life with you but it was just too soon for her..Love blooms when it is selfless and focuses on the each other's happiness but at that time, you both overlooked each other and choose your own happiness...so it wasn't just one's fault but both of yours." Taehyung looked down. "You shouldn't blame yourself nor her. You shouldn't portray yourself bad for being too much in love nor her for choosing herself, it was destiny. Now all you both need is forgiveness, forgive each other and yourselves." Yoongi patted the younger one's shoulder as Taehyung wiped his tears.

We suffer because we won't accept what actually happens but when we do so, it starts to heal.. All these years what he had wasn't just pain but anger, the anger that wasn't protecting him but devastating him, the anger that he took out on you, the anger that caused him more pain but now when the anger is no more, the guilt is what made him let go of the anger and the pain allowed him to realise that it wasn't your fault neither his, it was the time and situation that played the game and you were just the pawns.

"Taehyung....you can never rush something you want forever.... It is better to have ten guilty escapes than one innocent suffers...(William Blackstone)"

-

While you felt yourself embraced in a paternal love, you looked to see your mom and dad crying while hugging you. The pain that you had lessen when you were engulfed in your parents' warmth.

"W-we are sorry" they managed to say while pulling away to look at you.

"M-my princess, I am really sorry" your dad cupped your face while leaning his head low, weeping. You placed your hands on top of his, sobbing while not able to speak.

"I-I am the worst mother, I never understood you, made you suffer, I am s-so.. sorry" you looked at your mother who was crying while holding your other hand. The overwhelming feeling you had increased seeing your parents in pain.

"M-mumma..." you hiccuped as she looked at you with the motherly love you missed all these years. "D-Dad..." he wiped your tears.

"We couldn't be good parents for you. Like everyone we too blamed you, forgetting that you are our own daughter, We deserve your hate princess" only god knew how much you were dying to hear him call you princess, the hurt, pain everything vanished when your parents accepted you again.

"We destroyed your life and still blamed you.... I looked down on you baby, I am the worst mother, c-can you f-forgive me? I know I don't deserve it... I am sorry.." she cried more as you shook your head. She was the closest to you until her orthodox brain changed everything.

Indeed, the idea of forgiveness is noble, but when it comes down to actually forgiving this person who has harmed us in a very specific way, it's not easy - to say the least.

They did feel guilty, understanding the amount of pain you went through and they were never there, you were alone and scared and still they didn't hold you. You surely were hurt when they were against you but nothing could make you despise them. Yes you were wronged by them but that doesn't mean that you didn't have immense love for them. Even though you certainly see faults in some parts of them, in others, you still love them. They had privately resented their decision of hating you and now when they seek for forgiveness, you want to forgive them because that way, you will be at peace, the inner war of having parents but not their love will end. Because if you held the anger, you would have to live with it forever letting it destroy you. Sometimes forgiveness is not about others but us, for our tranquility and acceptance.

Hugging you, three of you cried, resenting all the mistakes that happened, big or small. You didn't hold grudges because being alone you have always desired for them but that doesn't you could forget everything that happened. Their arms held the comfort you wanted so you forgave their words that caused the pain.

The wounds in the hearts still ache, the scars are slowly fading and the process of healing is slowly flowing, this is the process of letting go- pain, hurt, disappointment, misunderstandings, loneliness, guilt and regret. Some things are buried deep down in our heart and it still needs time to process. This pain is something you're used to but now when it is slowly fading, it feels much better. Just be gentle on yourself and be compassionate, this is the process and trust it.

My story is not about running away but forgiving myself and others and hoping to move on in the process of running away. This is not the end, this is the beginning of my starting over...

"Two people guilty of each other...still in love....because they are meant to be...." -unknown