After a career-ending fight, ex-professional-hockey-player-turned-Zamboni-driver Chase Cassidy has never looked back at the sport. He's perfectly content cleaning the ice between periods and chatting with fellow staff members, and running a pub outs...
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Chase
Space is a funny concept. Back in university, before I signed the contract with Toronto, I remember taking a geography course as an elective. Space was defined as boundless because it can be approached from different lenses. There are social spaces, spaces that are determined by borders, mental spaces—they're all objective. Some spaces are safe to some and not to others. Space can be created but never defined to fit a norm that encompasses everyone's experiences.
When I think about Dr. Ames' office, I think of a private beach. It's a space where I don't have to worry about being judged or seen. My words are given to one body, who, like the ocean, is full of secrets and promises to keep them. Whenever I sit on this couch, I feel comfortable and welcome. My experiences alone dictate my perception of this space.
I stare at my glass of water, wondering where to begin this session. There are so many topics I wish to discuss. Ever since the fashion show, hockey has been at the forefront of my mind. Despite the insecurities I felt, there was also adrenaline and regret. That night, I saw glimpses of what could've been: representing my team, raising money for charities, signing merchandise, flirting with Spencer... all without the weight of my past shrouding me.
For a moment, the suit didn't feel like an act.
"How is the pub coming along?" Dr. Ames asks, interrupting my thoughts.
"Well enough," I shrug. "It's been a good..." I trail off, not wanting to call it a distraction. "Project. Kayce and I are having a lot of fun with it."
Dr. Ames smiles. "That's wonderful to hear. Any issues with it?"
I rub the back of my neck. "Aside from a bit of stress and some late nights? It's been pretty good. We had some issues with the plumbing, but those were solved quickly. These renovations are worth the investment. Kayce's really happy with them."
"But are you?"
Yes, of course I'm happy about the pub. It's one of the best decisions I've made. I wanted it to be a safe space. When I... went through what I did, there was no safe space for me. Wherever I looked, there were opportunities to make money to buy more drugs. Places where I could inject the drugs. People who could manipulate me into using, including myself. It was like standing in the middle of a dark forest with no trail in sight. I continued to trek through but never found my way out until I tripped and couldn't get back up.
The pub is like my house: established and purposeful. We're helping other people while nurturing the social life. Plus, I've surrounded myself with good people, while also having the tools to be self-sufficient.
Long story short, I love the pub. I always will. But things haven't felt right since the fashion show. Whatever balance I had before isn't centred anymore, and there are a number of factors contributing to this.
"I've, uh, been thinking about hockey these past few days," I admit. Reaching out, I grab the glass of water and take a small sip. I continue to hold onto the glass. If I don't, I'll start picking at my cuticles. It's something I do when I'm nervous. "I've been dreaming about it. That's why I'm having difficulty enjoying the renovations."
