After a career-ending fight, ex-professional-hockey-player-turned-Zamboni-driver Chase Cassidy has never looked back at the sport. He's perfectly content cleaning the ice between periods and chatting with fellow staff members, and running a pub outs...
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Chase
March fades into April, bringing the onset of rain and green vegetation. Longer days and warmer temperatures. As well as the anticipation of the upcoming playoffs. Toronto is buzzing with life as Spencer and I step into a small cafe in the downtown core. We're meeting Lennon here, so we can talk.
Talk.
The word is so much easier to think about with no context. Out of everyone, Lennon is the one that's causing me the most anxiety. Since being drafted, he's become one of my best friends. We developed a sense of trust long ago, yet I still couldn't find the courage to tell him. I understand how important it is to be ready to tell someone about your traumas, but I can't eradicate the guilt.
While we're waiting for our drinks, I stare at the corkboard and tap my foot against the floor. There are lots of community events happening in the area, some of which I'd like to attend. Although I'm not a poet, I've always enjoyed reading and/or listening to it. That being said, dates and times are the last thing I'm focusing on.
I shift my gaze to the weathered white brick, counting the horizontal lines. My mind is on a continuous run, playing out every scenario, from good to bad, about how Lennon will react. I already know I'm overreacting, but my pondering is a byproduct of trauma. I always fear how
Beside me, Spencer squeezes my hand. "You okay?"
I look at her, and I have an urge to adjust my hat.
Even if I'm not wearing one.
Old habits really die hard.
Expelling a deep breath, I nod. "Nervous, but okay."
Her smile is sympathetic. "I want to tell you everything'll be okay, but that implies that you're overreacting. Which you're not. You're allowed to feel anxious about sharing a big part of your life. What I can say, though, is that Lennon'll greet you with open arms. His heart has always been too big."
Spencer's words ease some of the stress, but I still have to ask: "Will he be upset I told you first? I have no regrets, Spencer, aside from the way I told you. But... I've known Lennon longer. What if that offends him?"
She gnaws on her bottom lip, lost in thought for a moment. "From that view, it might offend him a little. But Lennon, despite his antics, is an understanding being. A friendship differs from a romantic relationship. He understands that. Intimacy makes you closer to that person. You were under immense pressure when you told me. I think you felt like you had to tell me. There are a lot of different factors that influenced your decision to tell me, Chase. I think what matters is you've decided to tell him because you're ready. Even if you've trusted Lennon for a long time, these things are hard to discuss, especially if you feel like revealing the truth will somehow let your friend down." She side-eyes me, a soft expression on her face. "You're worried because he looks up to you, right?"
