Pieces of Us (SatoGou)

Chapter 19

okay this is for real the last one for today I need to read over the others and I might post them tomorrow <3
also this chapter is from Goh's POV. I felt I needed to get his point across before the end :3

Goh's POV

Touching down in Kanto has never felt so fucking grim. I spent the entire flight staring out the window, which Chloe let me have without arguing, weirdly. Maybe she could sense there was something up with me

And there's definitely something up. Big time. Everything is completely, totally, utterly fucked.

Part of me knew when Gary invited me to the wedding that I would have to see Ash again. Being the stubborn asshole that I am, though, I blocked it out, and didn't let myself think about it until he was right there. There are no words I could ever come up with to describe how I felt when I saw him for the first time again. It was like every repressed emotion from the last eight years surged forward all at once, bowling into me, and it took all of my effort just to stay calm. Imagine loving someone from a distance for eight years, and then they're right in front of you.

I almost wish I'd never gone, even if it had upset Gary. I was in a place where I was okay, and now I feel like I've relapsed so hard I actually feel worse than I did eight years ago, and I hadn't even thought that possible.

It's Ash's fault for looking like that. I can't even stand to be beside him most of the time, unless I'm drunk. It just reminds me how far out of my league he is. He's the kind of guy that everyone wishes they looked like, and he doesn't even realise it. It's not fair.

It's been hell being beside him for the past week. The moment I saw him in that motel during the storm, I knew I was fucked. I had managed to avoid him, or shut off my emotions, for the most part. That night, though, I let it slip. I let myself feel. I didn't think it could possibly be as bad as it was, but the moment I got into bed beside him, it all came flooding back in.

How can I possibly still be in love with someone I haven't seen in eight years?

Will I ever not be in love with him at this point?

All of the anger I held dissolved right then and there. I knew that, if I spent any more time with him, I'd feel exactly the same as I did when we were thirteen, and I was right. Yet I couldn't help myself. I had put on a cold facade the next morning, but I barely made it to Vermillion when Chloe called, and I caved right away. She didn't even need to try to convince me. I got on the first plane to Galar.

I wanted to hate Ash. I wanted it because it would be easier than loving him. Loving him, knowing I couldn't have him, killed me inside. It is killing me inside.

I could try to avoid him when he was on TV, or in magazines, or whatever. Sure, I still saw him a lot, and every time I did I had horrible, horrible thoughts. I couldn't stop thinking about how he was probably happier without me. I knew he'd had girlfriends. I'd seen him with them on social media, even though I actively tried to avoid any mention of him online. He was just everywhere. Every time he got a new girlfriend, or did anything, it was right there, in my face.

And then he was there himself, in my face. He was so different, and yet the same, somehow. I was so drawn to him. I liked having him around, even when we were arguing. Even when I saw him making out with someone else. It broke my heart, realising that I still loved him, and still couldn't have him. I was realising that I'm stuck in a cycle that I'll never get out of, but also that I'm going to let myself endure it, because it's better than him being gone again.

After the first night in Galar, everything felt like a dream. I think I let go of reason, and let myself live in a dream world for a few days, where I thought it was okay to sleep in the back of the truck with him, or in bed with him in Spikemuth. Obviously, I know now that none of that was a good idea. I was inadvertently adding to my own suffering every day.