Pieces of Us (SatoGou)

Chapter 20

JUST KIDDING IT'S FKN GO TIME WOOO

I had only just arrived when Goh got back. Chloe wasn't there- she'd gone off to see Officer Jenny at the station and give a statement about Goh before he was declared a missing person. When she got back, we were planning on travelling to Johto to search for him ourselves.

Then he'd just wandered in, completely fine. The relief nearly made me collapse. Honestly, for a second I wanted to kill him myself for stressing me out like that. But I needed to talk to him anyway. I'd already made the decision before Chloe called me. Now I don't have to wait weeks for him to visit, winding myself up about it the whole time. I can get it out of the way.

But I'm vibrating with nerves, so strong I actually think I might be sick. My brain is pounding against my skull, and I try to ignore it and the feeling of Goh's hands on my chest as he rides behind me on the bike, his chest pressed against my back. I just want to go somewhere quiet, where I can let everything out.

I drive out of the city, despite saying I wouldn't take him far, and follow the coast road until we're far enough out that I'm certain we haven't been followed by anyone, and spot a turn in. I turn off the road, driving down a little dirt road towards a cliff edge, lined with trees, their leaves a swirling mix of orange and yellows. The sky is a mix of peach and orange, the sun hanging over the top of the ocean stretching out in front of us.

I park the bike and get off, breathing heavily through my nose, trying to calm down. It's okay. I'll just say what I need to say, and then we can head back, and I'll have gotten it off my chest. If Goh doesn't want to speak to me for a while, then it'll be okay, because we'll be four thousand miles apart again.

Last night, I looked up at the stars, and made a wish: That it would be me and him. That we would be soulmates, platonic or romantic, so that we were destined to spend our lives together. That it could be us.

But now, as I sit down in the grass on the cliff edge, looking out at the sunset over the sea, I seize up again. Goh is sitting beside me, legs drawn up, and he's watching me nervously, waiting for me to explain why I've dragged him out here.

I take a deep breath. I could stall and hesitate forever, and likely will if I don't just force myself to speak. Finally, I turn to face him, my chest rising and falling heavily as every rapid heartbeat brings me closer to throwing up.

"Okay," I start, sighing to let out the tension. "I'm just... I'm just gonna say what I need to say, straight up. I've lived through enough regret already, and I don't want to add to that list. When I'm done you don't have to say anything, okay? We can just head back and forget this happened."

"You're scaring me," Goh says, and his eyes confirm that. He looks terrified. I bite my lip and look back over the sea, because I don't think I can face him when I say this, in case his expression gives away how he's feeling, and it's negative. It's probably going to be negative.

I close my eyes and sigh again, a steady breeze blowing my hair back from my face. I'm so terrified of losing what we're starting to have again, but I just can't live like this any longer.

Well, it's not getting any easier the longer I wait. I take a deep breath and start: "I've spent the last eight years of my life regretting not calling you. It might sound crazy, but there wasn't a single day that went by that I didn't think about you, at least once. I never knew why, because after eight years you should barely even remember someone, but I remembered everything so clearly. I remembered you so clearly, and I missed you, but I'd left it too long, and I knew it would be strange for me to reach out after so long, so I didn't.

Life without you just... It didn't feel right. Like something was missing. I don't think I realised how much until we met again." I take another deep breath, my hands trembling in front of me. I lean back on them, pressing them into the cool grass, trying to calm down. Looking up at the sky, I watch the clouds pass over me, and pretend I'm talking to myself to make it easier.