The lost soul

Chapter 32

Trigger warning - suicidal thoughts

Steve pov

I lean against Sky's door, listening to her speak to Tony.
"You," she says maliciously, "are very, VERY, scared of me."
Tony comes running out of there, breathing heavily. He walks away, shaking all over.
"Are you okay Tony?" I ask kindly.
"Hm? Yeah, yeah of course," he responds, plastering a fake smile on his face. I sigh and go to Bucky's room. I see Bucky in there with Sky, and after a while, Sky excuses herself.
"Don't worry, I'll be back soon," she promises. She comes out and pushes past me.
"What did you do to Tony?" I ask. She doesn't answer, but her cold glare burns through me. I walk in to see Bucky.
"Hey Buck," I say, smiling.

Bucky pov

I look up at him, panicking. He can't see me like this, barely able to move, my blood everywhere... He shouldn't see me in pain.
"Hey," I murmur.
"You okay?" He asks. I sigh.
"'bout as good as I can be considerin'," I groan, pushing myself into a better position. I clench my jaw as my eyes tear up a bit. I can't let Steve see me cry. I can't.
"Buck, it's okay. You don't always have to be strong, I can protect myself now." Steve offers. I look up at him, my eyes shining with tears.
"It fucking hurts," I say, a slight sob escaping my throat. Steve sits next to me, gently so he doesn't hurt me, and pulls me in close.
"It- it reminds me of them. What I did." I hunch over in pain.
"Buck, that wasn't you. You weren't in control," Steve says.
"Steve, I fucking know that! I know it wasn't me, but it doesn't take away the fact that I was the person that killed them! Technically I was in control! I chose to shoot you in the stomach, rather than aiming for a limb. I chose to strangle Sky, rather than shooting her. I made those decisions! It wasn't hydra, I made the decisions!" I yell in anger. Steve's mouth falls into a perfect O. I curl up into a ball, ignoring the burning pain in my back in favour of my mind. It feels like it's splitting in two, as the soldier screams at me to stop showing weakness.
Stop showing weakness.
Kill the target
Put a bullet through your head.
Tears roll down my face as the thoughts float through my mind. Steve wraps his arms around me, careful not to hurt me. I sob, inconsolable.
"It's okay Buck, I'm here. I won't leave you," he says.
"I don't deserve you, I never did. Even in the 40s, I never deserved you. You have a heart of gold. Especially now. I've killed so many people... I'm a monster," I whisper, between sobs. Steve hugs me.
"I don't deserve you. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here. I'd probably be dead to be honest-"
"Don't say that," I whisper, "I don't want to think about you being dead."
Steve sighs and hugs me tighter.
"I never enlisted, I was drafted," I confess. Steve looks at me in bewilderment.
"I didn't want to leave you. What if you were hurt, or bullied, or-"
He interrupts me with a big hug. I hiss as he squeezes my wounds, but don't tell him. I guess I still hide some pain.