Independence, at the Cost of the Pursuit of Happiness

6

The next morning, me and California wake up in each other's arms. We get dressed, and just... silently take in the morning.

"So.... Now what?" I ask. He sighs.

"I need to go back home... unfortunately. I wanted to stay here a bit longer...," California said softly. I sigh.

"I understand... I'll call you as often as I can," I say. California smiled sadly, before starting to cry.

"I wish you would come home.... I just don't want the states to give you shit... it's like.... They'd be assholes if you stayed independent, but still be assholes if you came back-,"

"It's fine... like I said, it's.... It's kinda my fault. I know you care about me, and I appreciate your empathy.... But sometimes I gotta face the consequences of my bad decisions... I may not have been thinking straight, but it doesn't make what I did the right move...," I say. California nods, holding back tears. I just embrace him, whispering that it'll be ok.....

I really don't know if it will be, but hey.... I don't want Cali to be sad over my stupidity.

I walk California to his car, and he gives me a kiss goodbye.... I lingered on his lips despite my worries of someone seeing us. This neighborhood is a lot more homophobic than the one I'm used to... plus, everyone assumed I was straight. Even the states. Cali was the only one who knew my curiosities towards.... Well, him specifically, I gotta admit... I felt so weird before, but it feels so normal kissing him....

I watch as he drives away, and I forlornly start heading to work.

The next few weeks are unbelievably quiet. I go to the UN meetings - held every Wednesday, and usually go for nine hours- then every weekday other than Wednesday I go to work from 9 to 4. Every evening, I call Cali, and we talk until late, late night...On the weekends... I do basically nothing. Back home, I had a big backyard with plants to take care of, lawns to mow, people to talk to....

Now I'm in an apartment

Alone

....

But suddenly, the doorbell rings...

"Ame? Um.... Do you need anything?" I ask, seeing him as I open the door. America stares at me. It almost feels like he expected me not to answer, or for me to slam the door shut the second I saw it was him.

"Um... I just... wanted to say hi," America said. This is awkward. I decide to silently oblige him to come in. When I'm in 'host' mode, I feel a lot less awkward. I get him a glass of coke.

"So, what do you really need?" I ask. America sighs.

"I needed to check up with you...," America said, his eyes focused in no particular way, especially not anywhere towards me.

"Well.... I'm all good... and yourself?" I ask. America nods silently. I sigh. "You want me to rejoin the union, huh?" I ask. America makes a small stuttering noise, as if he wanted to deny my accusation, though he stopped himself because I was spot on.

"Tex... I just.... I'm worried that you don't like being independent.... I'm worried you didn't even do this 'cause you thought you'd like it... you just did it and now you're stuck," America exclaimed at last. I chuckle, but it comes out a lot more frantic than I meant it to.

"What's the point anymore? I'm so far in the shit, both ways.... If I go back, I'll feel like an ashamed piece of shit, and ain't nobody's gonna let me live that down.... But if I don't.... If I stay here..... j-just..... fuck...," I breath, trying not to get all worked up.... America grabs my shoulder, like a father trying to comfort a son he really never knew how to comfort.

"Tex, have I ever told you 'bout the time I was in the trenches in World War One? With my ole' man?" America said. I look at him, a confused expression on my face. He smiles forlornly, continuing, "My dads a real quiet, thoughtful guy.... He doesn't make decisions quickly, and is just... the most indecisive man you'll ever meet. During the war, that was no good at all... I always acted like I was just babysitting him, always gettin' him out of trouble... anyway, one day, I was walking through the trench, my dad warned me to keep a gas-mask with me at all times.... But I assured him it was fine..... well, it wasn't.... And you know who was secretly following me, waiting to tackle a gas-mask onto time the second trouble arose? My dad... I swear, he would never let me forget that.... But I'm still alive 'cause of him," America said. I stare at him silently, a sad chuckle escaping my lips.

"Like when the south staged an intervention for me..... god, it hurt my pride.... But then, I finally was able to face the truth...," I say hoarsely, the repressed tears in my eyes finally falling. "I've got a problem.... I've got a fucking problem....," I sob. America nods, before walking over to me kitchen cabinet-

"STOP!" I shout, but he already saw... the liquor cabinet full of empty bottles. And the knife I use- for every bottle downed, a tally mark gets carved into my chest...

"Texas, I can't let you live like this... I have to annex you.... I have to get you home... I'll make sure the states don't say shit to you, because.... God, I just can't let you waste away here, all alone," America exclaimed, grabbing me in a tight embrace. I'm just crying, trying to fight him away.... But I just... can't move. I can't do anything other than cry. What doesn't help, is that the doorbell rings... god, please don't be Cali, or Florida, or Canada, or anyone who ever had a shred of faith in me...

"Mex, I'm glad you're here... Texas needs some help packing up... we're taking him home," America said, answering the door.

"No... no please.... I don't wanna go back...," I cry. Mexico just sits me down on the couch, holding me like a mother calming her child would.

"Texas, I'm sure that so many states want you home... and you need your family. I know you might not want to face them, but... you need help... and we want- no, need- to be there for you if we want you to be happy. And we want you to be happy... don't you want to be happy?" Mexico said softly.

"I don't even know if I deserve to be happy...," I whisper shakily.

"Tejas... Todos merecen ser felices," Mexico said... I just nod...

I slowly walk out of my apartment with Mexico and America. They helped me pack all my stuff... now Ames bringing me back where I should be... suddenly, I notice a small girl standing by Mexico, holding a small drawing of me and her at the park, collecting worms.

"Ah... Gracias," I say, a smile on my face as she hands me her art...on it, written in crayon, we're the words 'adiós amigo'.

I was confused as to how she knew I was leaving (and where I lived), but seeing Mexico pick her up and hold her eliminated my confusion.

"You're a father?" I ask incredulously. Mexico chuckled.

"Yeah, if only we kept in touch... I hear you're an excellent worm-catching assistant," Mexico said. I smile, tears welling up in my eyes.

"You are always welcome to visit us, ok?" America said. I nod, my smile growing.

That night I get back home... well, back to Cali's home, really. Tomorrow morning, I'm letting everyone know I'm here to stay... but tonight, I'm just making it up to the man I love, and that's good enough for now.