~Male crush x male reader~

If Only (fluff + angst)

Y/N POV:

I'm reading a childhood comfort book with a blanket on my legs, when my imagination starts to wander.

3rd person POV:

Y/N and C/N are walking into their newly purchased house with their kitten named Salem. Y/N puts the keys on the kitchen counter after locking the front door.

"The house is really ours Y/N. We did it."

"I still can't believe we got this far. I'm so excited!"

Y/N seemed to be bursting with joy. Salem walks over and rubs himself all over Y/N and C/N's legs purring and seeming content.

"Seems like Salem is happy too. Anything in particular you want me to make, C/N?"

"Not really. How about we make something together? We haven't done that for a long time."

"Oh yeah! We can definitely do that, C/N. What should we make?

Y/N POV:

I come back to reality and blink a few times. I look around and realize I'm in my kitchen when I was just in my livng room.

I need to focus.

"Oh I haven't eaten yet today, and it's already 4 o'clock. What should I have?"

I look around and the only thing I would really have the appetite for is a banana. I pick one off of the bunch, which is near the beginning of the rotting stage. I peel the skin off and eat.

Too mushy. Gross.

I spit it out and put the leftovers in the trash, and decide, for the 3rd time today, that I might not be that hungry after all. I head back to the chair in the living room and go back to reading in hopes that I'll be able to actually pay attention this time.

3rd person POV:

Y/N puts another book on the shared bookshelf he has with C /N, and sees one with C/N's handwriting on it:

"C/N's diary, freshman year of high school."

Ooh, more fun stories about C/N.

He opens the diary to start reading when he hears the front door unlock. His mind starts racing, his heart beating out of his chest.

Shit.

The bookshelf is right by the front door, so he knew he couldn't hide the diary in time.

"Hey Y/N how're you—"

C/N looks Y/N up and down.

"Y/N what is that in your hand."

Y/N gets red at the sight of his roommate, C/N, staring him down like this.

"Nothing. I've gotta go."

Y/N starts for the door but C/N stops him.

"Give me my diary."

"Absolutely not."

"What was that, Y/N?"

"Need me to say it again?"

"Give it here, Y/N."

"Make me."

That phrase seems to get C/N's attention.

"Say that again, Y/N?"

"I said make me. I won't give your diary back without a fight. You know how stubborn I am."

With that, C/N practically tackles Y/N to the couch with tickles. The book flies out of Y/N's hand and onto the floor, but neither of them seem to care.

Y/N POV:

I come back to reality again and see I'm standing by my bookshelf for some reason.

What is wrong with me today?

I get another drink of my drink and go to sit down, but then realize it's no use since my imagination will start wandering anyway.

I put my phone on its charger and head into my bedroom, looking at the bed. A flashback pops in this time, rather than something I wish would happen.

3rd person POV:

Y/N brings C/N into his room to make a "fake" flirty video for TikTok. He puts the LED lights on white, keeping the remote in his hidden hand.

"Okay, so here's what you'll do. You'll act like you're talking to me like normal, and at the beat drop you'll pretend to choke me against the wall until the end of the video. I'll take care of the lighting change. Got that, C/N?"

C/N nods in agreement and gets into position. The timer starts and the video begins. Once the beat drop occurs, Y/N changes the LED color to red and C/N chokes him against the wall, as instructed. Once the sound ended, Y/N expects C/N to stop and back up, laughing at the ridiculous idea. He doesn't do that. Rather, he seems to be mesmerized by Y/N's slight blush and obliviousness to the situation at hand. C/N starts leaning in. When he gets to be inches away from Y/N's lips, he realizes what he's doing and stops himself. He backs up and just heads out the door wordlessly.

Y/N looks confused and heads after him.

"C/N? C/N come back. What did I do?"

C/N runs out the front door with a slam. Y/N tears up and goes back into his room, timidly pulling his door shut and collapsing onto his bed and into broken sobs.

Y/N POV:

That was only 3 days ago. I'm still trying to get into contact with C/N, but I'm not having any luck so far. I'm really starting to lose hope. I leave my room before I start crying again, and decide to go out onto my porch.

Besides, what could a bit or fresh air harm?

I carefully open the door that C/N slammed shut 3 days ago, leaving it open. I sit on the cushioned chair and look around at the sky. My skin feels like its burning already.

Has it really been that long since I've been outside? Man I'm losing it.

I try to check the messages between C/N and I one last time to see if he said anything to me. Nothing.

I take a deep breath and start silently crying.

I know what I need to do.

"I'm so sorry C/N..."

I send one last message to C/N.

"I'm sorry C/N. I can't do this with you anymore."

I press the block button and shut off my phone and start sobbing in the chair in the empty woods.

I finally did it. I hate it.

I put my knees to my chest and start rocking, repeating the same phrase over and over.

"I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it."

I'm hyperventilating into my legs when I hear a car driving by. I look up, and see the car that is way too familiar to me pulling up.