Little One (Will Riker Agere Story)

Ch 1

Will hadn't even really been aware that it was something he did until Deanna mentioned it when they first began seeing each other. Of course she would recognize it, she was a half betazoid psychology student. If she hadn't noticed surely neighbors would have soon enough, they honestly more than likely knew already, but naturally just hadn't spoken to him about it.

"What do you know about it?" Deanna asked, when he tried to hide his puzzled expression.

Will shifted slightly, giving her an awkward shrug, "It's like a therapy thing. To help people remember old details about stuff."

He was vague, he couldn't remember much of what he's heard about the subject, not that it was very much anyway. She was the one who would know all of the technical terms, so why bother trying to remember them.

"But I've never been to therapy or counseling. Unless you count getting diagnosed," He was sure she didn't, "And nothing like that happened."

His ADHD and autism diagnosis meetings had both been uncomfortable and involved a lot of recounting childhood habits and such. He supposed that was what happened when you didn't get diagnosed during childhood. But no age regression.

"We'll, it can be a therapy tool used to recover old memories, but it can also be mental retreat." Deanna told him, "A sort of escape from a person's current state of mind."

Will's neutral expression did nothing to hide his confusion from Deanna. Of course it didn't.

"This can be a way for someone to rebuild their childhood as a result of trauma, or it could simply be a way of retuning to a simpler time, away from the pressures and responsibilities associated with their physical age." Deanna said.

"Deanna, I appreciate your concern but that's not exactly something I've looked to do." Will said, he hoped she would drop the subject, he wasn't lying to her, after all.

But she wasn't finished, "Will. It isn't always a conscious decision that a person will make. The mind tries to protect itself in anyway it can, if you don't give it an escape yourself it will create one regardless of if you want it or not."

He was initially embarrassed by what he was sure was just an accusation. But Deanna assured him that it was completely normal, and nothing to be ashamed of. In a way her words almost made him feel worse.

***

The more he thought about it he began to realize that it was more an explanation than an accusation, and Deanna was right. Of course she was.

It made sense now.

The fact that he had seemed to have not fully grown out of the embarrassing habit of sucking his thumb, among other things. When it had persisted past two his father had made a great effort to put an end to it. He was sure it wasn't very successful, as he distinctly remembered his father getting after him at age five because, "A big boy doesn't suck  his thumb, Billy," and well, it still wasn't fully gone. Since then it wasn't a constant habit. No, it now only occurred subconsciously if Will was particularly stressed, and only once he'd fallen asleep at that.

How roommates at the academy commented on occasional childish behaviors. He had assumed they were just talking about some of the symptoms of his autism and ADHD, but he had only recently been diagnosed then so he never gave them his explanation for fear of being wrong. Besides they even told him that he didn't always act that way.

One of his roommates had even jokingly gifted him a teddy bear once in his second year. He laughed it off, but really it had meant a great deal to him. The bear sat tucked away with his things for the rest of his academy days, still he couldn't bring himself to get rid of it. That made sense now too.

***

When he came to terms with her assessment of him being a regressor Deanna had explained it to him more. What it meant for him. And for them. And what it could potentially mean.

Will had his head resting in her lap. Her fingers glided gently through his hair as she explained further.

"A lot of regressors have caregivers to assist them with tasks and even parent them while they are in a regressed mindset." Deanna said, "Sometimes they have those titles, parental titles."

Will nodded along, mostly just enjoying the sound of her voice more than anything. The subject was still somewhat uncomfortable for him. But Deanna knew what was pushing it too far, and he knew that she would never do that to him. She would always stop if things became too much, even if he insisted he was fine.

"For a lot of people their romantic partners may take on this role."

She had said it just as calm and casual as anything else she would discuss with him. Even still at the mention he sat up as he gave her an almost offended look. However, she sensed no offense, only surprise and embarrassment.

"I'm not insinuating that I need to take care of you, Will, or that anyone does, for that matter." Deanna promptly clarified, "All regressors needs and desires in regards to caregivers are different and personal."

"Yeah, of course not." Will nodded, returning to rest his head in her lap, still a bit tense.

With that thought put more at ease, but not quite to rest she felt it safe to continue. He wasn't too far past comfort just yet. And although she hoped not to get any further from his comfort zone she felt it was important that she clarified.

"A romantic partner doesn't have to be a caregiver, and a caregiver doesn't have to be a romantic partner. For many it may be a sibling, a friend, maybe even an actual parent." She explained, "A regressor doesn't necessarily need to have a caregiver either. That's their decision to make."

It's your decision, Imzadi.

***

She never tried to press her involvement in his regression itself. That truly was up to him to decide, she had reminded him of that anytime the thought crossed his mind. But still she encouraged him to stop resisting his mind.

"Will, your father stopped letting you properly be a child the day that your mother died. Let your mind heal itself. Let yourself experience the childhood you never got to when you were young." Deanna told him, gently brushing her thumb over his cheek bone.

He sighed, "Okay." He gave a weak smile and turning his head slightly, he kissed her palm gently, "I'll try."

And from there it started to get better. And slowly he started to figure out that part of himself. It became more his decision and less involuntary as time went on.

He let her help him in a way no one else had before. He wasn't sure if he would go as far as to say she was his caregiver, and she would never call herself such without his permission. But still Deanna helped him find comfort in regressing. She introduced him to new things, tools really, and many of them helped a great deal more than he could have hoped.

Even the unfortunate thumb sucking habit was cured in a sense thanks to her introduction of a pacifier.

He almost expected himself to have been more embarrassed by it. But she was so free of any sort of judgment, and she never spoke any harsh words. So he had no need for feel embarrassed.

***

Maybe it was just the more understanding nature of Betazed. Maybe it was just Deanna. But after he left. After they ended their relationship. After he ended it by not showing. He returned to his old habits.

He kept it all private once more. He stopped trying to regress voluntarily. When it did happen it was suppressed and against his own will.

***

When he saw her again that first day on the Enterprise a small part inside of him wanted to cry and reach out for comfort. But he shoved that part down, and she said nothing to him about it.

He almost questioned if she had sensed it at all, but he knew she heard him.

Desperate and small. That part of him wanted to curl up in her arms where it was safe and warm. Where he wouldn't have to worry about anything.

But he had already taken that option away from himself. He could face the consequences of his actions like any adult.