Thikaana

Twenty Five

Sidharth was losing his mind completely. He had lost the ability to think straight. He felt like someone was literally burning him and he was unable to stop it. His eyes unknown to him, were turning bloodshot and his jaw was clenching uncontrollably. He wanted to take that rage out, it was driving him insane. He could no longer keep it in, it would destroy him. It probably already was. How could he let this happen? Wasn't he wiser than this. He could see where this was headed & yet he was not doing anything about it. He was allowing her to destroy him. Was he not clear enough with her or maybe she was taking him too lightly. But not anymore. He wouldn't let her.
Sana walked out with a small tray with two cups of hot tea after a few minutes, completely unaware of the storm that was to hit her. The moment she came in close contact to him, she could instantly tell he wasn't okay. His posture was very rigid & his fists were opening & clenching repeatedly and his face seemed extremely angry & hard. She got confused. She had left him absolutely fine then what happened in between the few minutes she was gone. She frowned. He hadn't even acknowledged her presence yet. She decided to ignore it.
"Sidharth, chaye agayiii" she spoke happily, keeping the tray down on the table. The moment he heard her voice, his resolve broke. His fists clenched harder & his bloodshot eyes moved to her. She seemed so unfazed. It angered him more. When he finally spoke, his tone was venomous & dangerously low.
"Sanu, huh?" he seethed, in a dangerously scarily low voice. Sana stopped in her tracts hearing that. She was still bent down, putting the cups on the table, her movements froze right there. She finally met his eyes & she felt terror filling her body. His eyes seemed so distant, so scary, so red.
"k..kya" she barely whispered.
"nicknames and all, nice" he said venomously. Sana was still frozen. Seeing him so angry suddenly & then he calling her that, how did he know? She was too scared & too lost to think straight.
"Kyun? Kya hua? Pareshan kyun hogayi? Isn't this what your Akshay calls you"? his voice was low but firm. It was venomous and his calmness was scaring her endlessly. Seeing him she could tell he raging inside,  but the calmness of his tone was scaring her. She almost winced hearing what he said but she chose to ignore it. She finally straightened up and moved a step closer to him. He was sitting at the edge of the sofa with his elbows on his thighs. She could see how his hands were clasped together.
"Sidharth, kya hua hai" she managed to whisper, scared of his calmness. His bloodshot gaze was piercing right through her.
"Kab tak karogi ye sab Sana" he whispered looking dead in her eye. She was really worried now.
"K.kya hua hai" she whispered again slightly crouching down wanting to touch his shoulder.
'I SAID KAB TAK KAROGI YE  DRAMA" he shouted standing up with a jerk. Sana flinched hearing his voice & she instantly cowered back, scared. A short gasp left her lips. He stood there towering her and his eyes red & dark. She knew something had happened, to make him react this way. She tried calming him down by walking a step closer and slowly lifting her hand towards him to cup his face.
"Sidharth"
"STAY THE FUCK AWAY" he shouted pushing her hand away. It hurt her but she tried to keep her composure. He stood with both his hands on his waist & his lips pursed. It felt like there was so much inside him  but he was unable to formulate it & not understanding how to take it all out.
"Chutiya Samajhti ho na tum mujhe?" he looked at her again, his eyes slightly narrowing.
"Sidharth aise kyun bol rahe ho" she gasped, a little louder.
"BC tum aur tumhara mangetar mil kar acha pagal bana rahe ho mujhe" he spoke a bit louder. Sana was now sure of what may have happened. She looked behind him and saw her phone turned upside down on the sofa.
"Sidharth ek minute meri baat suno" she regained her voice and spoke with a little conviction this time, again moving closer. He instantly moved back and lifted both his hands to stop her.
"No no no no. Please. Aap kriypa kar k mujhse door rahiye, hmm. Please" he smiled dangerously folding his hands together. It was breaking her heart to no end.
"Aap jese dogle logo se mai door rehna hi pasand karta hoon" he smiled again. Her heart was breaking seeing him be this way because she could see the anger and the hurt in his eyes and could hear it in his tone.
"Sidharth aise kyun keh rahay ho? Ek minute mujhe bolne tou do" her voice cracked the slightest bit.
"Jee? Kya bolna hai apko? Phir koi kahani sunani hai? Ye acha hai. Sidharth ko pagal banao. Kuch bhi bolo, ye tou hai hi gadha" he smiled again raising his eyebrows at her. He was acting extremely weird & it was scaring her. She could tell how mad he was.
"Sidharth aise kyun kar rahe ho? Acha nahi lag raha. Please" she whispered again, her eyes almost filling up.
"Arey tch tch tch. Sorry apko acha nahi laga" he shook his head repeatedly, making a disappointed face. Sana held her forehead helplessly. Sidharth was scaring her to no end. She had never seen him this angry, this hurt.
"Bolo ge hua kya hai. PLEASE" she almost shouted, helplessly.
"Ye tou aap bataye mujhe. K HO KYA RAHA HAI SANA" he shouted, scaring her. He turned and picked her phone up in his hand opening the chat and shoving it in front of her face.
"WOULD YOU FUCKING EXPLAIN" he shouted in her face. She moved back and a gasp left her mouth. She hadn't replied to any of the messages, she hadn't even opened the chat. She hadn't seen the last message. She gasped reading that. Her eyes instantly teared up and she looked at him shaking her head. He was misunderstanding it.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING SANA? AM I A JOKE TO YOU" he shouted, throwing her phone back on the sofa. He was getting in her face.
"S..sidharth, let me explain. It's not like.." she tried speaking.
"ITS NOT LIKE WHAT SANA??? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ITS LIKE" he was unstoppable.
"It's like Sidharth is here, let' use him to have a good time here & I already have him at my mercy. He cares for me too much to back off so why not use that? And then? Then what. We can go back to Punjab, get fucking married to Akshay and live happily ever after. What about Sidharth. He can go fuck himself. There is absolutely no need to bother about him or his feelings. WO INSAN THORI HAI" he seethed, gritting his teeth and his jaw clenched tightly. A few tears escaped her eyes listening to that. It was never like this. She could never think of him like that. Why was he doubting her.
"Sidharthh, app ye kyun keh rahay ho, you know this is not the case. Mai ,mai apke liye aise nahi soch sakti kabhi" she tried coming closer, holding him but he shrugged her hand away again.
"ACHA?? Kya aisi assurance di hai tumne ab tak mujhe hmm? KYA TOR DIA HAI RISHTA? Kya bata dia hai apne ghar waalo ko? Kya keh dia hai mujhe that you're staying here forever?" he sounded hurt and extremely angry. She cried silently.
"BOLO DAMMIT. ANSWER ME" he held her chin pulling her face up harshly. A sob left her mouth. He left her chin pushing it away and looked helplessly to the side. He was losing his mind. He rubbed his fingers roughly on his forehead and ran his fingers in his hair.
"You don't understand what's happening here, do you?" he spoke in a low voice, looking at her again.
"Oh fucking hell. Wait a minute. SANA? YE kya mazaak chal raha hai yahan pe? Matlab what exactly are you trying to do? Use me ?? Is it that easy?" she could hear the hurt and it further broke her. silent sobs left her mouth and she constantly bit on her lip to control herself.
"WOW. It is that fucking simple man. Matlab mai tumhare mutaabiq chalu?? Jab tumhara mann hai tum aao gi, mere sath raho gi, waqt bitao gi, aur jab tumhara mann bhar jayega tum wahan chali jao gi??? Wow. SANA? CAN YOU FUCKING HEAR HOW IT SOUNDS?" he screamed.
"I am investing in you, with everything in me. Tumhare sath ek aisi attachment hai jesi nahi rahi kabhi kisi k sath. Mai chah k bhi tumhe push back nahi kar sakta, but not anymore. You're making a fucking joke out of me and I will not allow that anymore. You want to go to Punjab? GO. You want to get married to him? GO. You want to choose him? GO. BUT DO NOT FUCKING COME CLOSE TO ME NOW. I AM DONE" he shouted, his eyes almost burning with fire and rage.
"Lekin Sana? Why use me like this?? Hmm? Was I that easy for you?" his voice was suddenly low and hurt. She let out a louder sob shaking her head repeatedly. She came closer and cupped his cheek, he let her. His guard had weakened for a moment. His eyes were oiercing through her helplessly.
"Aisa nahi hai Sidharth. Please ye mat bolo. Ye sab sach nahi hai. Aap sab se khaas ho, please" she cried desperately wanting him to believe her. She looked in to his eyes trying to convey her heart to him. He laughed.
"Acha? Tou phir kab tor rahi ho ye rishta? Abhi?? Will you do it right now? Shall I get your phone"? he asked her with a seriousness lacing his tone along with sarcasm. She stayed silent at that, her eyes widening slightly. He scoffed and pushed her hands away.
"You know what Sana? I'm done with your bullshit and your lies. Kitna socha tha, dubara kabhi nahi padhunga iss sab mai, door rahunga par kya karein. Hogayi ghalti, wo kya hai na? Vyaktitwa hi aisa hai. Kuch ghaltiyaan apko baad mai jaa k pata chalti hain" he spoke dejectedly, clicking his tongue & shaking his head disappointedly. She cried more. He ran his hand in his hair pushing it back.
"Sidharth, mere liye aap meri zindagi ki sab se bari aur sab se khoobsurat khushi ho" she cried looking at him.
"Arey nahi nahi. Ye sab mat boliye please. Aap mahaan hain. Bas mujhse door rahiye" he folded his hands again smiling at her. she rubbed her forehead frustrated and wiped her eyes harshly.
"SIDHARTH SUNO MERI BAAT. YE SAB BAKWAAS MAT BOLO. KYUN KAR RAHE HO YE. AKSHAY KUCH NAHI HAI MERE LIYE. USKO KABHI PAAS BHI ANAY NAHI DIA MENE, SAMJHE?? AAP SAB KUCH HO. USKO REPLY TAK NAHI KIA MENE, WO NAHI DEKHA KYA??" she finally raised her voice looking into his eyes to make him understand. It seemed like his rage had blocked his rationality.
"Kya baat hai bhai. Reply nahi kia, lekin bas shaadi kar rahi hoon. Nahi nahi, sahi hai bhai, sahi hai" he ran a hand through his hair.
"NAHI KARNI MUJHE USEY SHADI. BATANE KI KOSISH KI HAI MENE USKO. BOLA HAI K NAHI REH SAKEIN GE HUM KHUSH. Par nahi samajha wo. Uske baad baat bhi nahi ki mene" she cried .
"Sana ?? Honestly, get the fuck out of my life. I cannot take this anymore. I will not let myself go through the hurt and the destruction when you leave. Mai apne apko au raise use nahi hone de sakta. I'm not a fucking toy and this is not a fucking game" he spoke exhausted. She came closer and tried cupping his cheeks, he let her. She held his face stroking it, tears constantly flowing down.
"Mat bolo ye sab" she cried. She bent and tried pressing a kiss to his chest but he instantly pushed her away by her shoulders.
"DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH ME" he screamed.
"Sana? Do you seriously feel ye sab mujhe reality bhula de ga, hmm? I kiss you, I touch you and you let me because you enjoy it too. Tumhe wo sab mil raha hai yahan , jo abhi Akshay se nahi mil sakta na, so you're having it all" he spoke dangerously low. She shot her eyes up staring at him, shocked.
"SIDHARTH SHUT UP" she came forward and oushed at his chest. He didn't move.
"AAP SUN RAHAY HO KHUD KO??? YE KYA GHATIYA BAKWAS BOL RAHE HO" she shouted at the top of her voice, her voice cracking the slightest bit. Her nose was red and flaring.
"Kyun?? Sach hi tou keh raha hoon. Doesn't my touch feel good? Doesn't it pleasure you, hmm? Does it not make you think k let's have it while I can" he came closer looking into her eyes. She moved back, angry and hurt.
"SIDHARTH THAPPAR KHAO GE. ITNA CHEAP MAT BOLO" she shouted, tears constantly flowing down.
"Mai agar kuch bol nahi rahi, iska matlab ye nahi k aap jo marzi bakwas bolte raho ge." She said.
"Mai kuch bol bhi nahi sakta Sana, but what you're doing to me is alright, in your eyes??" he retaliated.
"Batao mujhe. Can you call up Akshay right now and tell to his face that you don't want to marry him and that you're breaking the engagement off??" he asked calmly, looking at her. He knew her response. She moved back looking down. He let out a dangerous laugh.
"See. It's that simple Sana. You have to go back to him and get married, which is fine. I completely understand but I will not let you play with my feelings anymore. So I'm very politely telling you to get the fuck away. Please" he spoke. Sana looked up at him shocked.
"Sidharth, please don't do this. Please. Mai kar rahi hoon na koshish. Mujhe thora time do, please. Don't leave me, mujhe kuch hota hai. Mujhe aap chahiye ho, please" she cried coming closer to him. His gaze softened the slightest bit.
"Kab tak chahiye hoon Sana? Jab tak tum yahan ho? Uske baad kya ? Uske baad bhi tou jaa hi rahi ho na, tou abhi kya problem hai. I cannot allow you to affect me anymore." He sounded hurt and exhausted. He let out a shaky breath and rubbed his face in his hands.
"Don't do this Sidharth. Mai har roz jeeti aur marti hoon iss sab ki waja se. Mai khush nahi hoon, janti hoon apko bohat takleef de rahi hoon. Mai bohat helpless hoon, I'm trying to find a way out magar agar aise mai aap mera sath chor do ge tou kese karungi?" she cried.
"Sana, I already gave in way too many times. It is only bringing me hurt and a constant fear that I am not ready to live with. Tumhe dekhte hi ye khayal khana shuru ho jata hai, and I can't. When I ask for an answer, you don't have one, when I ask for a commitment, you don't have one. So it's better that you stay away from me. You're a very selfish girl Sana.Tum kisi ki bhi sagi nahi ho. Na meri, na akshay ki aur na hi apne ghar waalo ki. Aur mai aise logo se door hi rehna pasand karta hoon. So you leave, please" he said. She met his eyes slowly, with a lot of hurt. She was shocked at what he said. She understood where his anger and hurt was coming from but that? It broke her. She was not ready to listen to something like that, that too from him. He realized it as it left his mouth. He met her broken and hurt eyes but he didn't budge. A lone tear escaped her eyes as she looked at him & let him see how he hurt her, how he just broke her by hitting at the right spot. She slowly turned away wiping her face and moved towards the guest room. Her shoulders were dropped down and she kept walking looking down. She felt dejected and broken. Her heart was crushing every minute. She knew she put him in immense pain and she wanted to kill herself because of it and he? He hurt her and broke her further by not trusting her. By making her feel so shallow. She wanted to open her heart up and show him the place he had there. Sidharth stood rooted to his spot and watched her go inside. He was still raging but he knew deep inside, that he hurt her especially with what he said in the end. He knew she wasn't misleading him or lying to him, but he couldn't let his heart get further crushed under the pain and fear of her going away. He ran a frustrated hand in his hair repeatedly, pushing it back and then rubbed his fingers over his chin.
Sana's face was wet with tears but she wasn't crying loudly. She was just too numb & too broken to react. She was hurting everywhere. She was hurting because she hurt him, she was hurting because he didn't believe her, she was hurting with what he said to her, she was hurting because even the thought of leaving him was like a knife stabbing through her chest. Her stomach cramps returned, and she rushed to the washroom. She could tell it was because of all the stress. She didn't feel bad however. She liked the pain and agony. She wanted it at that moment. Sidharth stood there with his face constantly between his hands. He heard the washroom door close and his eyes shot open. He suddenly remembered that she wasn't okay. He however didn't move. His fingers kept desperately running in his hair and he kept biting his lower lip. His jaw had almost started to hurt because of how tightly he was gritting and clenching it.
"Fuck" he muttered and moved towards the room. He opened the door slowly and saw her face wet with silent painful tears. She was gathering her stuff and putting it in the bag. He strode towards her and grabbed her hand that was putting the clothes inside.
"Kya kar rahi ho" he spoke rudely. She looked at him and silently pulled her hand back, going back to what she was doing.
"Sana what the fuck are you doing" he gritted his teeth grabbing her by the shoulders and turning her towards him. She flinched, he was hurting her.
"Mujhe ghar jaana hai" she whispered not meeting his eyes. Her voice cracked at the end. He inhaled.
"Sana chup chaap yahin sou jao. You're not fine abhi. It's 11:30 in the night. Tum kahin nahi jaa rahi iss waqt" he spoke with conviction and firmness. She finally pushed his hands away.
"Kyun? Aap ne jo bolna tha bol dia na ? You don't want me here, so I'm leaving" she answered back with equal conviction. She walked to the bedside and gathered the stuff that was there. He stood there frustrated. He wanted to smash his head in a wall. He looked at her and rubbed his forehead, looking to the side and cursing. Sana threw the stuff in her bag and zipped it up. Her tears forcing their way out but she harshly rubbed her eyes. She completely ignored him and picked the bag up moving towards the door. The moment she crossed him, Sidharth held her by her wrist pulling her back and threw her bag on the bed scaring her.
"SANA YOU ARE NOT LEAVING AT THIS TIME. Please DO NOT test my patience. I don't wanna do something I'll regret" he said with a warning. That really ticked her off. She glared at him and moved forward.
"Kya karoge haan? Kya karoge? Maaro ge mujhe? Kitne bure ho aap. Kese roko ge?" she shouted pushing at his chest but he stood there unbothered. She bent towards the bed to pick her bag up when he spoke
" SANA. DON'T. If you have any fucking regard for me, you will not leave this room right now. Chup chaap sou jao yahan abhi. Please don't test my patience" he sounded tired at the end.
He walked out of the room slamming the door on his way out. Sana flinched and hot angry tears escaped her eyes again. She wanted to hit him for being so rude to her but she couldn't help but yearn for him instead. She knew where all his anger was coming from. She still didn't have answers to give him & that hit her in the face. He slammed his fist on the wall outside the room and cursed himself for yet again worrying for her. He couldn't help it. It was second nature to him. How could he let her leave at this time, that too when she was sick. He would let her leave the next morning. In fact he wanted her to but he couldn't right now. Sana plopped down on the bed with the pillow in her lap and her knees hugging to herself. She muffled her face in the pillow and let her tears flow freely. She cried and cried till her eyes started burning. She felt terrible. She wanted to be mad at him, she was but not like you would be if somebody says all of this to you. Instead, it pained her soul all the more because she knew where that anger came from. She felt like ripping her heart open to show him what he meant to her.
Sidharth went inside for a cold shower. He really needed one to calm the fire that was burning inside of him. He was so so angry. At himself, for behaving the way he just did with her, at her, for putting his heart through this pain and at his life for bringing Sana into his life at a point where he was so not ready for any of it. He cursed incessantly thinking of the day he went to that supermarket & why he went up to her to help her. He couldn't hold back from her even the first time he saw her, he realized. He stood under the shower and let the cold water flow through his burning body. He came out a while later, a bit calmer but still very angry and hurt. He saw the door to her room was closed and he could see that the lights were off too. He could see the faint light from the lamp peeping out of the door. He took his cigarettes and went outside in the balcony. He ran his fingers in his wet hair setting them back and lit up a cigarette. He stood against the railing inhaling the smoke in and thinking of the all that had happened until now. he was again beginning to lose his mind. He pressed fingers at his temples. He felt like somebody was slamming a hammer through his head repeatedly. He rubbed his chin and neck before throwing the cigarette away after one last puff and went inside towards the cabin next to his kitchen. He didn't want to, but it seemed like the only option right now. He wanted to numb his pain and the constant throbbing of his head and it seemed like the only option. He grabbed a sealed bottle of Vodka and picked up a glass and some water. He sat on the sofa in his lounge making a drink for himself and resting his legs on the table in front. He took the first sip and it felt like fire going down his throat. He liked the feeling. He took a few sips and leaned his head back closing his eyes. The entire fight playing like a reel in front of his eyes. He thought back to everything he had said to her, he didn't like any of it but he felt extremely helpless. He had to take his anger out or else it would have consumed him.
****
It had almost been an hour and a half since Sidharth had left her room. She had constantly kept crying, occasionally going to the washroom. She could feel the stomach ramps had worsened because of her stress. Sana had sat with her head down on her knees. She felt exhausted, and numb. She just wanted him and his arms at that moment but she knew better. Her throat suddenly felt scratchy and parched due to all the crying and the screaming earlier. She looked to her side and her water bottle was empty.
"Siyaapa" she whispered. She looked to the side and even the glass was empty. She thought to let it be and lied down in bed turning to the side, hugging the pillow tightly to her chest. She tried sleeping for a few minutes but eventually gave up. She really needed some water. Sana begrudgingly sat up and wore her slippers. She walked closer to the door & pressed hear ear to it. She wanted to see if the news was on or if she could hear him. She didn't want to go outside if he was there. There was complete silence. She let out a relieved sigh. He was probably asleep. She slowly turned the door know and stepped outside. She walked a few steps in to the lounge & her mouth fell open as soon as her eyes moved towards the sofa. Sidharth sat there with a glass in his hand and a bottle in front. Was it alcohol? Was he drinking? She gasped. She had never seen him drink until now. She moved to the side and kept observing him for a while. She could tell his eyes were red and almost droopy. He gulped the remaining liquid in the glass in one go, slamming the glass on the table making her flinch. She felt really scared. Sidharth rubbed his hand harshly over his chin and then stood up trying to wear his slippers. She could tell that his posture was a bit shaky and he was trying really hard to put his feet in the slippers. She moved a few steps towards him, unsure. His balance was about to go off when he instantly straightened himself up. She ran to him
"SIDHAAARTH" she ran to his side holding his arm for support, not thinking of anything. The moment he heard her, he looked at her face. It was still wet and her eyes were puffy. He knew she had been crying. He wasn't completely out of it, but he did feel a little tipsy since he hadn't drank for a while now and he had gulped down 3-4 glasses of the vodka pretty quickly which had instantly hit his system. He was still aware of his surroundings however.
"Leave me" his speech slurred the slightest bit. He shrugged her hand away. She looked up at his face and she wanted to sob. It felt so tired, so hurt and so drained. His eyes however were still giving her the shivers. They were still red, intense and droopy.
"Sidharth, let me" she tried holding his bicep again when he pushed her hand away.
"Just go. I can take care of myself. That's what I'm trying to do since evening" he tried scoffing. He bent to pick the glass and tray up but his grip wasn't as tight so she instantly grabbed the glass out of his hand before it fell and broke. He glared at her.
"Let me. Mai ye rakh doongi, aap jao andar" she spoke firmly, walking away in the kitchen. He sighed and looked at her back. She looked so weak and so small. This girl. He let out a frustrated chuckle. He plopped back on the sofa waiting for her to return. He could see that she was filling up the bottle before keeping it in the fridge and then washing the glass. He closed his eyes and sighed, leaning his head back. She returned a few minutes later, wiping her wet hands on her night suit. She wasn't expecting him to be still there. She moved a little closer trying to see if he had fallen asleep or he was still up but he didn't move. So she quietly picked the bottle of vodka up and went to keep it in the kitchen. She couldn't take a risk. What if he hurt himself. She finally called out to him slowly
"Sidharth" she spoke almost inaudibly. His eyes opened slowly, with great difficulty & he looked at her. She stood there nervously rubbing her hands together.
"A..ap andar jaa k sou jao" she spoke softly. She hadn't ever seen him like this so she didn't know what to expect. To her shock, he extended his arm out and spoke
"Come" his voice was so husky that it made her shiver. She took a few unsure steps towards him and sat on the other end of the sofa, keeping a good distance between them. He noticed and smiled to himself sadly. She sat with her hands folded in her lap and she looked everywhere but at him. He could tell she was scared.
"Kitna hurt kiya na mene aaj tujhe" he slurred, breaking her trance. She instantly looked up at him hearing that. He looked at her like a lost broken child. It tore her heart.
"N.nahi" she answered in a small voice. She didn't want to speak louder, she knew she'd cry.
"Don't lie Sana" his voice was thick and raspy. His speech slurred the slightest bit.
"Par you now what? Tu bhi mujhe aise hi hurt karti hai. Har roz. Balke isey zada. Every fucking day when I realise that I may have to let you go at some point, it hurts like fuck Sana" he spoke in a broken and hurt voice. She couldn't hold herself, and a sob left her mouth. She bit on her lip to stop herself from crying and looked down in her lap.
"Mhm, don't cry baby" he pulled at her chin, making her look at him. He took her lip out and shook his head.
"Don't cry. I hate it when you cry. I hate it when you're hurt. I hate myself for today" he spoke honestly. She let her tears flow and shook her head at him.
"Pata hai baby? Saath saal pehle soch lia tha k phir kabhi apne aap ko iss dard se nahi guzarne dunga, I'll never let myself get destroyed again, but Huh" he scoffed painfully.
"Mujhe kya pata tha, that I'll meet you like this. After all these years. When I was least expecting it. You came in my life so suddenly and so out of the blue, that I didn't get a chance to realize what you're doing to me. The first time I saw you, I couldn't look away. Your beauty, your innocence, your simplicity, it pulled me to you like a fucking magnet" he slurred smiling intensely at her. Sana gasped. What was he talking about? Did something happen to him? Her tears were not stopping hearing the pain in his voice. She did that to him. He wiped her tears with his thumb roughly, making her shudder.
"You know baby? You are so precious. So beautiful. So special. The way you just gave in to me from the beginning, it did something to my heart. I felt the need to protect you, to be there for you. You know the day you told me about your engagement, I wasn't expecting to feel the way I did. Aisa laga jese kisi ne mere dil ko andar dhakel dia ho" his honest raw confessions were tearing her heart.
"But Sana when I found out that you're not happy, it gave me hope. I wanted you to prioritize yourself and chose what makes YOU happy. But you? You chose to break me instead" he smiled sadly and a loud sob left her lips. She instantly moved a little closer and extended her hands to cup his cheeks. She rubbed his cheeks soothingly, shaking her head at him.
"Nahi Sidharth. I would never want to hurt you. I'd rather die" she cried looking in to his eyes. he let out a small laugh, pushing her hands down.
"Tujhe pata hai, every time we are together, every time I fucking kiss you, you occupy another piece of my being and I just don't want to let go ever. But then? The harsh truth comes & slaps me in the face making me realize that you're not mine. And that you'll probably leave. Soon"
"Sana aise lagta hai k ek constant jang ladh raha hoon mai. Khud se. I want to forget everything & give in & I also want to pull back and run away from you. From everything you make me feel" he spoke, releasing a shaky long breath. She covered her face in both her hands and cried. She cried for the way her heart bled. Her Sidharth. Who meant so much, who meant more than anyone ever did, she was putting him through such pain every single day and he was letting her? She didn't deserve his patience. She cried her heart out. She cried over her fate & her helplessness. She felt so much anger for everybody in her life for making her go through this. He grabbed her hands after a few minutes. Her eyes were glued down and her eyelashes were wet. Her cries slowed down but she was constantly sniffling, digging her nails in her palm.
"Come closer " he rasped, tugging at her arm. She finally looked at him and his expressions were unreadable. She stayed put.
"Don't be scared baby, I won't do anything" he spoke, trying to assure her & it broke her heart all the more. She sobbed and instantly covered the distance moving next to him. He cupped her cheek in his palm and stroked his thumb under her eyes, wiping her tears. A sigh left her lips at the contact. His dark eyes were gazing into hers intently.
"You make me so helpless Sana. I want to push you away & punish you but I also don't want to let go" he whispered. His voice was so thick and husky that she could feel the vibrations of it deep inside her. His warm breaths were falling over her face when he spoke.
"I want to show you how it feels" he whispered coming closer. He brought his face closer and pulled her face closer looking at her lips. She felt uneasy and scared. His closeness never felt wrong or scary but tonight, it scared her. His anger, his tone, his hurt and the look in his eyes, it scared her. She tried moving her face back when he tightened his grip over her face pulling it closer . A gasp left her lips and he took advantage, slamming his lips to hers. He kissed her with so much of force and passion that she felt the soul being pulled out of her body. His rough lips moved against her softer ones, and they moved with a force. He overtook the kiss completely, not letting her respond. He sucked her lips harshly, biting on her lower lip, causing her to moan loudly. He held her by the waist using his other hand and dragged her into his lap. Sana moaned grabbing him by his shoulders. She could feel his anger, his passion in the kiss. His movements were so firm and so much that she was losing her mind. She felt she was getting light headed. He bit her lip harshly and pushed his tongue inside her mouth, completely over taking her being. He roamed his tongue inside her mouth and nibbled at her lips causing her to lose her mind. It was hurting her, it felt like too much to take in but she let him punish her. She let him take it all out. She could taste the bitter alcohol and the taste of cigarette in his mouth but she didn't care. He slowed his movements down when he felt her going out of breath completely. He finally moved away, their saliva mixing together. He harshly wiped her lips and briefly looked at her eyes. They were filling up. He kissed her again, and licked her lips with his tongue after biting at them. Low moans left her lips. He finally left her lips and stared at her face. He started pressing open mouthed kisses to her neck. He grabbed her waist with both his hands and pressed stronger and wetter kisses to her neck. She involuntarily moved her head back, letting him have all the access he wanted. He then did something she wasn't expecting. He turned her around and made her lie back on the sofa coming on top. Her eyes widened but his kisses didn't let her process anything. He wanted to take his aggression out. He wanted to make her feel the pain he felt. He kissed her neck and then clutched his teeth on that spot. A loud scream left her lips.
"Aaaah Sidharthh" she panicked clutching his shoulders tightly. He slowly removed his teeth, sucking the spot. She visibly relaxed as soon as his teeth moved away and he then sucked the spot pleasuring her. A loud moan left her lips, driving him insane. He licked that spot and moved his lips a bit lower. He placed wet kisses down her throat, driving her insane with pleasure. He kissed the spot where he had just bit her yet again giving it a last suck, causing her to wince. He finally moved up and looked at her face. Her eyes were scrunched shut, and her lower lip was in between her teeth. He harshly pulled her lip out and sat up, moving away from her. She opened her eyes and looked at him. He seemed angry and hurt. His eyes were stinging she noticed. Her own eyes filled up and she felt scared and confused. Her fingers unconsciously moved to the spot on her neck that was stinging and she could still feel his teeth there.
"Dard hua na? Mujhse isey kayi zada hota hai Sana. Par yahan" he took her hand and placed it on his chest, right on top of his heart and she cried. He kept holding her hand there and she could hear his heart beating insanely fast. Her fingers were trembling. She felt so helpless and devastated. She wanted to hug him and not let go.
"You are breaking me Sana" he whispered, pushing her fingers away and stood up to go. He stumbled the slightest bit as he stood up and she instantly grabbed his hand
"Sidharth, dekh k" she panicked. He pushed his hand away and walked inside, slamming the door. She flinched and cried her heart out. She ran inside the guestroom closing and locking the door and fell to the bed. Her neck still stung, so did her lips but she didn't care. She liked the pain they were giving her. She deserved this she thought. Seeing his eyes sting like that, it felt like somebody had ripped her chest open, pulled heart out & had then stepped on it. She cried in to the pillow endlessly, and at one point she gagged because of the crying. She finally stopped crying and wiped her face harshly, hitting her cheeks a little to gather herself. She had decided. She had to go away from him. She wouldn't put him under any more pain. Her heart couldn't take it. She had to leave. Her eyes eventually closed on their own, giving in to the sleep.
Sidharth's head was spinning like anything. He kicked his slippers away and just fell on his bed. He slammed his fist on the side table, wanting to punish herself for what he just did to her. He closed his eyes and let the hot burning tears flow out. He didn't realize when he fell asleep.