Deprived

Chapter 46 - A step

His heart was racing as he shot up in bed. This time, Jesse managed to smother the scream that threatened to slip past his lips.

Cold sweat rushed over his entire body, making Jesse shiver as he looked around the room. Eyes wide, desperate to dispel the dream, the nightmare that had shown him James.

Blaming Jesse for his murder.

Jesse had known it was a nightmare. James would've never said something as horrible, would never have blamed him. After all, both Jesse and James had been victims to the Improba plot.

Yet dream James had insisted it was all Jesse's fault. After all, James would've never been murdered if he hadn't met Jesse. Would never have been in that alleyway to begin with.

Fingers gently skated over his back, gently squeezing the back of his neck before Jesse was drawn into Xavier's warm chest.

"You're alright darling. It's okay, just a dream." Lips whispered against his temple, chasing the last lingering fragments of fear away.

Jesse leaned into the touch, the sweat providing a clammy sensation that made him feel disgusted with himself.

Hisoka hadn't been lying ; the nightmares had become hyper realistic to the point where Jesse didn't even know if he was awake or sleeping.

It was only on those extremely painful moments that he realized it must be a dream. He knew James would never have said something like that, would never have blamed him to begin with.

However the words had been familiar, as they had been nothing that Jesse hadn't thrown at himself. Dark, twisted remarks that blamed him for gaining the Improba's attention, drawing their eye to a newly mated victim.

And as he said so against Xavier's clavicle, he felt the man's muscles tighten, pulling him closer against his body.

"No sweetheart." He murmured, voice sounding pained at the very notion that Jesse blamed himself. "You are not to blame for the vile, twisted actions of these monsters."

"But-"

Hands gently grabbed his face, twisting it to face Xavier. "No buts. Did you walk up to the Improba and ask them to murder James? Did you tell them you wanted to be tormented and raped?"

The questions were rhetorical but they cracked the last part of the dream, releasing its hold on Jesse. "Of course not. I never, never-" His breathing rasped, shoulders shivering at the strain of not breaking into sobs.

Xavier looked at him with kindness, sadness and love mixed into one potent emotion.

It was a harsh truth but one he needed to hear, needed to remind himself of. Jesse was as much a victim as James, if not more.

James had been murdered and while his death wasn't gentle or quick, it was nothing like Jesse's seemingly endless torture. Not even mentioning his permanent alteration to becoming a Deprived.

Jesse struggled to keep reminding himself he wasn't at fault. The blame laid with Draco and his followers.

"Deep breaths, honey. Focus on your surroundings." Xavier reminded gently, allowing Jesse to take a deep breath, following the now familiar routine.

Slowly, he named five things he could see, following it up with four things he could hear. As he went down each sense, removing a single object along the way, Jesse eventually found himself calmer than before.

"There you go." Xavier pressed a kiss against his temple, sending a small burst of shivers down Jesse's spine. Jesse was glad that Xavier didn't ask the unnecessary question whether or not he was okay.