The soles of my boots thudded along the pavement. I was struggling to breath and every breath burned my throat and lungs. My hair flew across my face and behind me, but ignored it. Tears flew off the side of my face as I continued running down the dimly lit alley way, across the almost empty street and onto the bridge. Once I reached the middle, I stopped running, leaning over and resting my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. I looked up at the bridge around me, a few people scattered across the concrete expanse. The lights on the rails called to me, so I walked over and climbed on top and sat, my feet dangling over the other side. I started past the toes of my doc martens and to the ink black expanse of water about 50 feet below.
Let go, my mind told me as I gripped to the rail beside me. I can't. Oh my fucking god, y/n, you're so weak. You can't even kill yourself.
The internal battle raging in my mind made me scrunch up my eyes. "STOP!" I yelled, no doubt a few passers by shot me some strange looks. "Ugh," I grunted and hit my forehead with the heel of my hand a few times, as if my actions would knock the thoughts out of my mind. "Fuck," I whispered to myself and carefully climbed back over the rail and onto the solid concrete of the bridge.
A couple of cops who were walking the area came over to me. "Hello miss," one of them said. I nodded at them. "How are you doing? We saw you sitting on the rail, just wanted to make sure everything's alright," the other one asked. "Yep, everything's fine, sir. Just looking at the water," I lied and looked down at the ground. "Alright. Just stay away from the edge. Have a nice night," they said as they walked off, looking over their shoulders at me a few times before they stood somewhere in the middle of the bridge.
I wandered off the bridge into the park and found a bench to sit on. I leaned back, looking up at the faint stars in the sky. The events that led to this moment were replaying in my head.
~~flashback~~
I dropped my school bag on the floor in my bedroom, flipping down onto my bed and untying my shoelaces. There was a knock on the door. "What?" I called out and sat up. "I want to talk to you about something. I'm concerned," my mother said after she opened the door. "What!" I sighed, frustrated. "This," she extended her arm towards me and I saw the object that was in her hand. My diary. "Wha-" I looked at the small brown book covered in Lana del Rey stickers that was resting on her palm. "What the heck! You read that? You read my diary?" I yelled at her. "Stop!" She shouted. "I'm concerned. Some of the stuff you've written in this! If anyone else were to see it, they'd probably lock you up in a mental hospital!" Tears built up in my eyes, but I blinked them away before she could see. I'm not letting her get to me.
"Why were you in my room anyways?" I demanded as I stood up from my bed. "Looking for money," was her response as she stepped into my room. I stepped further back into my room. "I don't have any money, I lost my job remember, thanks to you. Or did you somehow forget that it was your fault?" I spat. "Get out." I tried to stay calm. "No." "GET OUT OF MY ROOM," I yelled at her. She just kept standing near the doorway. "Get out!" I ran over and tried to push her out of my bedroom, but I wasn't strong enough. I kept yelling at her and pushing, but she didn't go away. "GET OUT!" I yelled again and started hitting her. "STOP!" She yelled at me and started backing out of my room. She pushed me off her and ran to her room, leaving me seething with anger in the hallway. I stumbled back into my room, pulling on the first pair of shoes that I found and tying up the laces. I picked up the diary from where it had fell on the floor. I just stood there for a second, just holding it. I didn't notice the tears falling down my flushed face until I saw one drop onto the cover of the book.
I shook my head and shoved the diary in my pocket and stormed out of the house, slamming every door in my wake.
~~end of flashback~~
I should call Ellie, I thought to myself. Ellie is my therapist, and had been for the past few months. I had never felt comfortable with therapy appointments, until I went to Ellie. She was always so nice, she had the most beautiful smile that welcomed me to every session, the prettiest eyes that would shine when I made her laugh, and the warmest hugs that always made me feel so safe and secure. I felt like I could trust her, and that is a big thing for me. I don't trust anyone. I don't even trust myself.
I reached for my back pocket, only to find it empty. I must have been in too much of a hurry to leave the house that I forgot my phone. "Fuck." I scanned the area, looking for a pay phone. There was one in the far corner of the park. I stood up and patted my pockets to see if I had any change, and I found a few coins. It's like eleven o'clock at night. She probably won't answer. What if she's asleep? What if she doesn't want to talk to me? What if all the times she told me to call her when things were bad were just lies? You're overthinking this. Just call her. If she picks up, she picks up. If she doesn't, then that's just too bad.
I walked over to the pay phone and picked the phone up, holding it to my ear. I shoved my other hand in my pocket, scooping out the few coins that were there. I put them in the slot and typed Ellie's number on the keypad. Thankfully I knew her number by heart.
The phone rang once, twice, three times before she picked up. "Hello?" Her soft voice travelled out off the earpiece of the phone. "Hi Ellie. It's y/n," I placed my free hand on the glass of the phone box. "Ohh, hi! Are you okay? Why are you calling so late? Do I need to come and get you?" She asked, her voice growing more frantic with every question. "Uhh, I'm not great, I think maybe you should come and get me." I told her. "Alright. Where are you?" I could hear keys jingling in the background and a door open and close. "I'm at the bridge near Main Street, the big one over the river," I informed her. "You're on a bridge!? You need to get off!" She panicked. "No, I'm not on the bridge. I'm at the park near the bridge. With all the lights and shit on the trees." "Oh. Okay. Just wait right there for me. Stay off the bridge and I'll be there in fifteen, okay?" "Yeah." "Okay. See you soon. Be safe." She ended the phone call and I placed the phone back.
I wandered around the park, past the playground, the homeless dude that looked kind of like Frank Gallagher sleeping on a bench. Poor guy, I thought as I passed by him. What am I going to do for fifteen minutes? I shoved my hands in my pockets as the cold had started to get to me. There was something paper in my pocket and I pulled it out. Ten dollars. "Nice," I smiled to myself. There was a little corner store across the road from the park which was open 24 hours. I checked for cars before crossing the road and arriving at the store. I opened the door and the little bell tinkled as I stepped in. I went over to the drink fridge and got a red bull and a white monster. I shoved the red bull in my coat pocket and took the monster to the counter, paying for it before leaving the store. Red bull cans shouldn't be so small. They're so easy to steal. I can't remember the last time I actually payed for one. I shoved the change in my pocket and took the red bull out. I went back to the park and sat down on a bench. There's probably still about five minutes till Ellie gets here. I opened the can of red bull and took a sip. There was a man sitting on another bench, quite close to the one I was sitting in, probably only about ten meters away. He kept looking at me and he shot me a weird smile, but I just shook it off. I scanned the park, looking to see if Ellie was here yet. I couldn't see her anywhere.
