sarah is readers mother <3
listen to 'growing pains' by ethel cain to sort of get the 'feeling' of this story, i was listening to it while i wrote it :)
the scalding water poured down my body, my hands clawed at my face and ran through my wet hair. my tears were washed away with the water and i wiped my nose before tilting my head back, staring at the ceiling. my whole body was shaking, i could barely stand up. when was the last time i ate something? maybe two days ago. i brought my hands up to my throat, slightly wrapping them around before letting them slide down my chest. i tried to keep quiet, softly sobbing and taking shallow breaths. glancing down at my body, i saw the red patched where the hot water has burned my skin.
why can't i just end it all?
if i can't live, can i just fucking die?
i lost myself in my thoughts, disappearing into my head once again. i was thinking about my childhood, running on the beach, running after my mother, trying to catch up to her, trying to be as fast as her. i always admired my mother, but i will never be even half the person she is. she is so strong, so beautiful, so intelligent.
or that time at the park, watching a little bird chase a big bird away from its nest. "see, us mothers would do anything to protect our babies," she told me. "even chase away the big scary things. if you ever have anything scary that you need me to chase away, you just tell me, and i'll send 'em running," she told me as she lifted me up onto her shoulders. i never knew what she meant, i was too young to understand properly. but now i have so many scary things that i want her to chase away. these scary thoughts, the ones telling me to hurt myself, or the people that i let use me just for my body, the nightmares that i have, the ones where i lose the person i care about the most.
i don't even know who i am anymore. i miss that little girl, who looked at the world with wide eyes, excited to experience everything it had to offer. now i just hide in my bed all day, doing anything i can to hide from the world. i want to leave it, get away from everyone and everything in it. i want to tell my mom all about the scary things that i want her to help me chase off, but i can't.
how am i supposed to tell the woman who gave me life that i want to end it?
"ugh!" i exclaimed and slammed my hand into the shower wall. "fuck," i muttered to myself and wiped my eyes and washed my face, trying to get rid of the red puffiness under my eyes.
"sweetie?" my mom called from the other side of the bathroom door. "are you okay? i heard a noise," she asked and knocked on the door. "yeah," i called back. "just dropped the shampoo bottle." "okay, baby, just making sure. you've been in there a while though, are you sure you're alright?" i teared up again at her concern. "yes, momma, i'm about to get out now," i called back. "okay baby," i heard her light footsteps receding. i turned off the water, stepping out of the shower and wrapping myself up in a towel. i wiped the foggy mirror, staring into my eyes, bloodshot, red from crying.
i walked into my room, sitting on the edge of my bed, staring blankly at the wall. i wish that i could turn my thoughts off, just make my head numb for a while. i used to think that feeling numb was the worst thing to feel, but i was wrong. feeling nothing but sadness all the time, unable to leave my bedroom in fear of bursting into tears as soon as somebody talks to me, that constant lump in your throat, the constant tight feeling in your chest, that you just can't fucking get rid of. i wrapped my towel tighter around my body, lying down on my bed above the covers. tears slowly made their way to my eyes, pooling up before sliding down the side of my face.
i must have fallen asleep, because the next thing i knew, my shoulder was being gently shaken. i sat up, making sure that the towel was still securely wrapped around me. i saw my mother looking at me with a concerned look on her face. "hey baby," she whispered as she leant down to push some of my damp hair behind my ear and wipe my face of the tear stains. "how about we get you dressed and you come and tell me what going on, hm?" she asked and i nodded. she walked over to my dresser, pulling out some sweatpants, underwear and a sweatshirt. she came back over to me, and i unwrapped my towel, and she took it and placed it on the bed before helping me into my underwear and sweatpants. i held onto her shoulders for support, i could barely keep myself standing up. she bunched the sweatshirt up and slid it over my head, placing a kiss on my wrist over my old scars. my eyes teared up at her small gesture.
she slid one arm under the back of my knees, and the other had a firm grip around my shoulders and she gently picked me up, carrying me down the hall and into her room. she sat down, placing me on her lap and i curled into her chest, tightly gripping onto the fabric of her t shirt. she kissed the top of my head, gently running her hand up and down my back to soothe me, something that had always helped me since i was little.
"what's going on inside my baby girls head, hm?" she asked softly and placed her fingers under my chin, lifting them to make me face her. i just shrugged my shoulders, snuggling further into her. she just smiled sadly, pulling a few loose strands of hair from my face. she gently pulled down one of my sleeves, searching for any new cuts. i let her, because i knew that she wouldn't find any new ones there. she moved to the other arm, gently running her fingers over the purple gouges and white lines on my skin. "i'm proud of you baby," she whispered into my ear, placing a kiss on my temple. "do i need to check anywhere else?" she asked cautiously, gently, as to avoid any conflict that could be caused. i quickly shook my head, but she knew i was lying. she could always tell. a mothers intuition...
"do you want to talk about it? do you want me to chase the scary things away, baby?" she asked. "i can't scare away the thoughts," i whispered into her chest, so quietly it was barely audible, but she still heard. i broke into sobs, pulling myself impossibly closer to her, closing my eyes and shuddering with sobs as i took a shaky, gasping breath. "shh, shh, baby, i'm here, baby. i'm here," she whispered into my hair. "mommy's here."
"i think they're something wrong with me," i pulled away slightly, looking up at my mother and seeing tears in her eyes. "mommy, i don't want to be here anymore," i whispered, ashamed to admit it to the woman who cares about me so much, who had given up massive parts of her life for me, who has always been there for me, but i didn't want her to have to deal with a broken child. the woman who loves me with every fibre of her being, and i basically just told her that i don't appreciate her. "i don't have a reason to feel like this. i'm just so fucking sad all the time, and i don't know why. momma, i'm sorry," i cried. "my head is so full of bad things, there's these voices telling me things, bad things, and they won't stop." "shh, baby. i understand. just let it out sweetheart," she told me.
"these feelings won't last forever, my darling. they will go away, you will feel better. and i'll help you, as much as you need baby."
she gently set me down next to her, moving into a lying position and pulling the covers over us, wrapping her arms around my frame and holding me close.
a/n: i cried so fucking much when i wrote this omggg but idek if it will make sense to anyone 😭
also thank you so much for 2k reads wtf omg! here's a forehead kiss hehe 😘
