Hooked

065

Hi. If you're reading this, you're probably having odd or weird or. . . undescribable thoughts about me. You won't hate me, I know. But if you are, then I'm glad to say that you're not the only one who do so.

Seventh grade. I happened to witness someone giving you a suspicious look. A disgusting one. Definitely not the look of adoration.

Because I was the one who gave that to you.

My intuition controlled my body. I stood and punched the guy in his eye-the orb who laid a dirty gaze on you. You approached me, shocked and confused. I ignored you. Partly because I was preparing for the consequence of trouble I've caused and because I was in shock, too.

It didn't occur to me that I can do such thing.

We met at school again. You offered me a lemon juice during lunch time. I get terrible heartburn and acid reflux with every citrus consumption. I have medication prescriptions as concrete proof.

I still drank it, anyway. I was afraid you'd be disappointed.

And then, I don't know. We became. . . sort of friends. I was in the second section while you were on the third. Our schedules didn't cross most of the time, and that was fine. We we're still able to see each other at lunchtime or dismissal.

I remember you once asked me about the bus incident. I laughed, but then there was a part of me who wanted to smack you.

I can't believe you don't know.

By then, I knew you're someone I need to protect.

Until eighth grade, we weren't really that close. You had your circle of friends and I had mine. I wanted to tell you I want to be close with you but I was not someone who's mastered the art of transparency. Plus, I like what we have that time. You'd tell me small rants about school and in exchange, I'd give mine.

Ninth grade. That year, I noticed something changed about you. Of course, you were still nice and pretty. But something changed.

Soon I discovered, you actually had a crush on one of the boy in your friend group. He left to study abroad and it left a wound on your young heart. Your other friends, on the other hand, just like him, left too. Not literally, but it's like they dissipated.

They left you hanging. Just by that, I knew I need to be there for you.

Tenth grade. It was my turn to feel different. Be different. I was in denial, but whenever I witness your presence or simply be within your orbit-I couldn't seem to falter.

I was hooked, perhaps.

It struck me.

I'm a lesbian. I like a person in the same sex. And she's my bestfriend.

I wasn't fond of this fact. I was stuck between denial, hatred, frustration, and confusion. Little me was drowning in all the bad feelings you can think about.

Tinulak kita kay Raxel dahil akala ko na kapag ginawa ko 'yon, mawawala ang nararamdaman ko para sa 'yo. Kaso mali ako. Such a hypocrite move of mine. I didn't just lie to you, I also lied to myself; thinking I can fool my heart that I can unlove you.

I hate myself for always picking complicated choices. I hate that I had no choice but to pick but follow a path they call wrong. Otherwise could have made my life easier, I would have been loved easier, would been accepted easier, would been validated easier-without having to prove a thing.

The only choice I can do now is to accept it.

This is a farewell, Arielle. I love you. Always.

All the love,
Eveline.