The Traitor's Tears

III

Mac'hla stood in front of the mirror, staring at their naked reflection.

Swollen joints and irritated stretch marks covering their body. Scars from where their skin had ripped...

They ran their hands through their hair. Once rich, raven black now streaked with silver.

She felt hideous.

Since they had left the blackhole they had felt different. There were times where they felt like everything around them was some sort of hallucination brought on by radiation and that they were still in the pull.

Physically, they hurt everywhere. Even though Vulcans say that pain is in the mind, it is still pain. It is still difficult to tolerate, even for someone with a pain tolerance as high as Mac'hla's.

They groaned quietly and covered their face with their hands.

There was still time before the Captain's dinner party... surely she could find something to do.

She wrapped herself back up in her robe and sat on her bed, staring out of the window at the stars.

One of those stars... way out there... was home.

Home.

Mac'hla picked up their PADD and sent a transmission to Vulcan and in a matter of seconds a beautiful face appeared on her screen.

"My wife," T'Ve said sweetly, "Are you well?"

"I am." Mac'hla whispered, "As I now see you."

Mac'hla could have sworn that they saw T'Ve's cheeks flush.

"How are you healing?"

Mac'hla bite their lip, "My wife, may I confide in you?"

"Always."

"Physically I am healing well." Mac'hla said, "But mentally, I..."

Mac'hla trailed off as their voice broke. They were ashamed by these illogical emotions, and she waited for T'Ve to scold her.

But she never did.

She never would.

"Beloved... What is hurting you?" T'Ve asked with concern.

"I am struggling to discern what is real."

T'Ve's eyebrows creased, "Have you meditated today?"

"Twice."

T'Ve signed, examining Mac'hla's face through the screen and wishing more than anything that she could step through the screen and embrace her darling wife.

"Explain it to me. What does not feel real?" she asked.

"I feel as if everything is a hallucination. I feel like I am stuck still in the blackhole and that everything I am experiencing is an illusion. The logical part of me knows it is real, but..."

"But your emotions suggest otherwise." T'Ve finished, "You are torn."

"Indeed." Mac'hla whispered, fearing if she spoke any louder she might cry.

"You told me once, long ago, that one should embrace confusion, for when the moment of clarity comes it will be the greatest pleasure one can experience."

Mac'hla nodded, wiping a tear from their eye, "I often find myself ignoring my own advice."

"I am well aware, ashayam." T'Ve said, a small smile on her lips, "But just this once, listen to yourself. Embrace and understand that you are confused and conflicted... because as you said, the clarity will be worth it."

Mac'hla smiled faintly, "I will endeavor to do so."

"I am pleased that you have spoken to me about this."

"It would only be logical to inform my wife about my mental state." Mac'hla whispered.

"Indeed."

"And what of yours, my wife? Are you well?" Mac'hla asked.

"I am. I have spent much of my time watching over the apothecary, and–"

There was a wild noise from T'Ve's side of the call and for a moment she looked alarmed.

"What was that?" Mac'hla asked.

"One of the village children has knocked a pole out from the apothecary tent."

Mac'hla bit her lip in amusement, "I should let you go, then."

A canvas tarp flapped around T'Ve as the tent fell, "Yes, that would be logical."

"Goodbye, Ashayam. Ashau nash-veh tu."

"Goodbye, my wife. Ashau nash-veh tu." T'Ve said sweetly, and the call ended.

Mac'hla laid back on their bed, holding the PADD their chest.

Embrace confusion

If Mac'hla could somehow accept the fact that they were confused and lost then maybe the pain wouldn't be so bad.

Nothing felt real... but soon enough it would.

Things would get better.

And that thought was enough to keep them going.