Redamancy

Chapter 1- Andomania

I never meant to turn out this way, I mean, I guess no one ever does. There's something about sitting on the floor of my untidy room, in my own juvenile angst, wishing for a different life, that makes me wonder how I ended up this way. Wishing I didn't look the way I do, hoping something would change, but of course nothing ever does.

The most retched thing about it is that no matter how hard I try, I can't explain my torment. Like a toddler who's just gained awareness of its own wants and needs, the sudden ability to choose right over wrong; but of course now this child faces the prohibit nature of language, being incapable to communicate these needs, wants, and newfound sense of self to its mother. I am empathetic to the children in this stage of their life, for I too find it difficult to communicate.

"Maggie?" The voice snapped me out of my boredom-induced daydream.
"Yeah?" I asked, eventually looking up to my 'friend'. "what?"
"So, I wanted to ask about school," Dr. Wright always brought up this subject. "Any issues, worries?"
I shook my head dismissively, "nope." I was lying of course, school was a place of torture for my mind and sadly, it was my constant.

Dr. Wright knew that I was lying, but stupidly I kept on doing it. "Look, I know you don't want to talk, but it will help you Maggie."

"No, it won't." Why would it? All talking does is make my worries and issues real. It makes me aware of all that's wrong with me and my life, so why would I want to talk?

"What do you think will help then?" Dr. Wright always spoke to me like I was four years old, I hated it, it made me feel small.
I shrugged, it hurt slightly due to my chronic slouching, bad posture was my enemy and currently, it was winning.
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'Adomania' is a word to describe the sense that the future is coming too quickly, and for me, it seems as though no matter what I do, I cannot stop the end.
I always got told not to dwell on dreams and forget to live, but how ironic is it that my dreams deprive me of sleep.

"I think I need to find a balance between my ambitions and my day to day life," I said quietly, those seventeen words were the most I've spoken to Dr. Wright in a while.

I felt a sense of accomplishment and it seemed like the dread was slowly starting to recede. As much as I wanted to believe that it was, of course it wasn't. Gradually, it began creeping back into my mind, festering slowly, I was back to normal again.

The inner dialogue between my conscious and subconscious mind started whirring, continuously thinking and mapping out the future. Will I be granted my patiently awaited final state of peace? Will my five senses finally experience a blissful reality that would be my forever, my grand release from my continual discomfort? Would I have that, rather than nervously sinking into my core, worrying if life would have other plans for me?

"Maggie, I'm here to help you," Dr. Wright had to help me, it was her job, " but I can only do that if you want help."

My mind was in a state of turmoil and it was so hard to confront this dark void I seemed to be stuck in, but I cannot live like this forever. I needed the help Dr. Wright was there to give me.

"I know, but, I don't see how any of this will change."

"I understand that it may seem like these feelings will never leave, and they may never do," well that's reassuring, "but you can learn to shut them out."

Isolating myself seems to be the only thing I'm good at. I'm used to pushing away anything that's difficult, or makes me feel uncomfortable. This was no different. But how I currently am would be my future if I didn't change, and that was what scared me.

"Ok." I didn't really have anything else to say.

"Can you put your feelings into perspective and understand that maybe life isn't as bad as it seems?" She began, "and try to find comfort in the fact that you know your loving family wants the best for you."

I almost laughed, almost. I mean, really? A loving family who wants the best for me, I suppose the one thing me and Dr. Wright have in common is lying.

"I guess." God, what was I, an angsty teenager?

"Good." She smiled softly, "so your mum says you've been having some dysphoria?"

"Yep," I really didn't want to talk about that.

"She says your worried about how others see you, is that right?" She cocked her head to the side, she did that a lot.

I nodded, avoiding eye contact, I secretly hoped she'd drop the subject.

You know what I see?" She studied me, staring me right in the eyes.

"What?" I tipped my chin back to look at her fully, the first bit of eye contact I'd made with her today was filled with curiosity.

"I see a beautiful girl with an amazing heart," Confusion marred my otherwise ordinary features, "but a troubled mind."
She continued, "Maggie, you aren't a failure just because of what happened."

"So why do I feel like one?"

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A/n- yo! Thank you for choosing this story! I hope you enjoy reading it.

-😻