At Your Service [Tommy Shelby]

Bad calculations

He didn't think he would be able to fall asleep that night, yet all that booze sure did a number on him. He woke up to the well-known smell of hay and horses and as he opened his eyes a big pair of black eyes met his. It took him a second to realize that he had actually slept in the stables. Trying to rub the sleep, alcohol and bad dreams from his face, the memories from yesterday slowly came flooding back to him. He pinched the bridge of his nose, why was he the way that he was?

The worst thing is that today he has an important business meeting which would have been held at his office, yet Lizzie has wreaked havoc in there.. He couldn't even really remember what started the fight, all he knew is that he said he didn't love her anymore. He didn't regret it, he just told her the truth. Deep down she must have known already. However, strategic wise, it was a bad choice. All this chaos just now that he has started in politics can't be tolerated anymore. Though he isn't sure if it were ever to be tolerated.

And then there was Vivian. He feels a wave of shame crashing over him, how could he have done that? There's not only shame for the way he pointed his anger towards her, but especially how he immediately succumbed to her embrace. He cried for God's sake, in her arms, there is no coming back from that, is there? He'd just tell her it was the booze that has done it. There is no other way.

He couldn't deny to himself that he longed for her touch, he did for a while now. But he cannot afford to drop his walls like he did yesterday. Not for Lizzie, not for her. There will be too much drama, too much chaos, and all of that because he had a moment of weakness. Besides women in his life have always been disastrous. And he really believes that is the case because feelings get involved. Also, Lizzie can go absolutely ballistic, something he always knew was in her. But what other choice did he have when she told him about his baby? His Ruby. The whole situation is just fucked and he almost can't be bothered to go fix it. It all seems so small next to the shit he usually has to deal with. And that is something Lizzie won't ever get. For her this is big, because it is her life. For him.. How can anything have any weight next to the topic of war?

Reeking of the stall he slept in, he quickly walked inside to freshen up, in about an hour he will have company and he cannot fuck this up. He ignored the confused look Francis gave him when he walked past her, "Goodmorning, Francis." "Good.. morning mister Shelby." Wasn't it afternoon already?

Vivian hadn't found much sleep either. She was still in a state of confusion. This man.. she thinks to herself. He's full of contradictions, yet every move he makes is calculated. That is what makes those contradictions all so interesting. How can there even be contradictions when everything is calculated? Vivian actually has a pretty good idea how these phenomenon occur. With all those late nights smoking outside she has had all the time to think about Thomas Shelby. Every time a spark of feelings seem to enter the man, it is contradicting the actions he is calculating. Every time something throws him off guard he knows how to handle it, except when feelings are involved. Perhaps that's why he accepted that embrace. Not knowing what to do in that moment, thousands of thoughts racing through his mind. But all he knows for certain at that moment, is that her arms feel like a safe haven. This is where he wanted to be. Yet he won't ever admit that. The moment his head is in control again, and his heart is aching, he will try to kill every possibility of weakness. And somehow Thomas linked emotions to weakness.

Yesterday Cathy had tried to pry into what Vivian was doing there exactly. How long she was alone with mister Shelby. She even straightforwardly asked her if Vivian really was cleaning or if she was there for something else. On which Francis scoffed and demanded Cathy to behave herself. Francis excused the two and said she'd get this sorted. The shifts of the maids were over and they had an early morning the next day.

Vivian had already done a bunch of tasks before she got sight of the man she shared a hug with yesterday. But instead of this lighthearted teasing they had been sharing since their picnic, the atmosphere was actually kind of awkward. Both didn't really know what to say. There was the usual yearning for Vivian to talk to the man, share about her day. Thomas seemed to have made up his mind today though.

She had wandered into the office today and saw it was far from ready to entertain any guests in it. Francis had ordered Vivian to make the dining area ready for the meeting. Everything was put in place, the only thing that was missing was Thomas Shelby. Well, he was there on the wall, on a rather intimidating painting, but the real one, in flesh and blood was rumored to have walked into the house covered in hay. Which made Vivian wonder where Thomas had gone in his state yesterday.

Now it was lunch time, but Vivian had other things on her mind. She skipped the lunch and was instead heading towards the dining room, again, to check if he had finally made it. When she made the corner she saw him sitting there, just out of the shower, freshly shaven, in a very beautiful suit, tailored to perfection. She couldn't help but blush every time she saw the image of him. However something in her said she won't like the conversation they're going to have.

Without looking up from the newspaper he had spread out in his hands he welcomed Vivian, "Good afternoon, Vivian." Her eyebrow raised slightly she questioned his sudden cold demeanor. She stumbled a little closer letting her fumbling hands rest on one of the diner chairs. "Are you alright, Tommy?" She looked at him, taking in the sharp edges, yet there was no reaction from his side. He just flipped over to another page in his newspaper that he found way too interesting. She knew this side of him, it's the side he almost always flashes to Lizzie and Vivian does not like to be at the receiving end of it. After a rather long silence Vivian was about to say something, but quickly closed her mouth when Thomas lowered his newspaper and looked her straight in the eyes. He scraped his throat, as he always does when he has something to say, or so Vivian noticed. "Look, Vivian." meanwhile he puts up a cigarette, not even offering her the usual one. "What happened yesterday.." He took a short pause, as if he needed to think about his words. Which she knew was bullshit, everything he said is calculated, as she had already figured out.

He continues, "It was all the booze, and just.. overall chaos." Vivian dismisses it, "Oh, It's okay, Tommy, I-" He shakes his head, "No.. You don't understand." She gives him a confused look, what does she not understand?

"Yesterday.. It.." Almost hesitantly he continues, "It meant nothing." He looks at her with his cold stare, he looks at her as she is trying to mask her emotions. Failing though, because he can see what it does to her. She is like an open book he thinks, he can see how he hurt her. And there is something in himself he hurt as well. But he calculated the risk and this was for the best.. right?
The silent was too big, he had expected Vivian to say something perhaps even scream or cry, the thing he knows so well from Lizzie. It's not often Thomas becomes uncomfortable, but he sure is now. He feels a need to fill the silence, something he never does. He knows silence is the greatest weapon in conversation. But now he has fallen victim to it himself. "So.. We can just.. forget about it.. and it won't happen again, is what I'm trying to say.." Vivian's thoughts are racing, yet now there is a slight moment where she can read his face. His stumbling of words, his long drag of the cigarette, his hand rubbing his neck. Perhaps it is only because she wants to see it, but she doesn't believe he believes his own words. As he is stumbling she looks down to gather the courage to speak, to speak without a shaking voice. "Thomas." He is immediately quiet.

"Why do you always do this?" She is calm yet firm. He looks up at her again, "What do you mean?" He asks her perhaps seeking for some sort of way she can undo everything he just said. "I mean.." she shuffles a bit closer, looking straight into those blue pearls. "Every time something or someone gets close, you push away." They stare into each other's eyes. He knows she's right, he just didn't expect anyone to call him out for it. "You have to let someone in eventually, Thomas. Why not me?" He rubs his neck again hoping for this conversation to end. Thomas Shelby doesn't get called out. And as if coincidence was on his side again, Francis walks in. Again stopping in her footsteps when she sees who is in the company of her boss. "Mister Shelby, our guest is here."

"Right, thank you Francis send him in." "Right away, sir." She sternly walks out there. And as if the confused and stumbling Thomas had never existed he slipped into the business mode again. Vivian didn't even wait for him to say something back or to order her to go. She abruptly turned around and walked out the door, swiftly wiping a tear from her face, hoping mister Shelby hadn't seen it. But of course he did. He hurt her and himself. 'Fuck' he mumbles under his breathe as he pours two glasses of whiskey.

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Sorry that it took so long! Been quite busy with university! But I hope to get back into it. I already have so many ideas aaaah, so exciting! Also thank you guys so much for the support, the comments and the votes! I am so happy people are enjoying it :)