Burning (911/Lone Star)

Chapter Three "If You Loved Me, Why'd You Leave Me"

Trigger Warnings: Detailed Descriptions Of Eating Disorder Behaviours, Abuse, Sexual Assault and Self Harm.

Maddie's eyes were slowly filling with warm, salty tears from seeing her daughter for the first time in fifteen years, she initially regretted her decision but knew it was for the best, she was protecting her from an abusive household. Or atleast she thought she had. Her blood ran cold as she could see the vague scarring across her neck and hands, she hoped she was just imagining things, but of course she wasn't.

To say Maddie Buckley was shocked was an understatement, she hadn't forgotten about her daughter, of course she hadn't, just pushed the thought of her to the back of her mind, but she still thought of her most days. Maddie didn't understand how her daughter had found her or ended up in LA when she had been told she had been placed in a loving foster home in Austin, Texas, but deep down, she was glad she had found her, she wanted a relationship.

"H-how?" Maddie whispered emotionally, her tears that she had held for fifteen years pooling in her eyelids, threatening to spill at any moment. "How did you find me?" She asked, her daughter that stood infront of her wiped her eyes and sniffed before she smiled slightly and laughed.

"Looked in my file after begging to see you since I was seven years old! But my foster parents always said no and then I got moved to the foster home and every time I asked it was the same answer, always some derivation of no. So I got fed up and looked in my file and came here. I need my mom, please Maddie, just talk to me." Emily was confused, she just wanted her mom, but she didn't want to overstep and call her mom.

But when Emily called her by her first name it looked like she'd punched her in the gut and she felt guilty. "I get off shift in two hours, can you meet me at the cafe on the corner then? Here's my number, I'll text you, okay? I'll see you soon." She whispered, turned on her heel and rushed off, holding her hand over her mouth, her shoulders shaking. Emily couldn't hold back her tears any longer and her shoulders shook with the force of her sadness.

She grabbed her bag and walked out, heading to her hotel four blocks away, she got her room card and ran up all ten flights of stairs to the fifth floor, she was panting as she reached her room. Fumbling with her card, she buzzed herself through and dumped her bag on the floor, jumping on the bed and facediving into the pillows. Then and only then did she allow herself to fully breakdown, she kept replaying Maddie's face in her head.

The way she looked like she would break at any given moment in time, the way she looked hurt and somewhat angry when she said what she'd done and who she was. She shook with her sobs, holding a pillow close to her chest and pulls her knees up to her chin. Her tears cascaded down her red cheeks and she tried to convince herself not to follow her urges but she couldn't, she got up off the bed and walked into the bathroom, dropping to her knees.

She shook as she placed her two fingers into her mouth and pressed them against the side of her mouth, triggering her gag reflex. She hated the sensation it gave her but she knew she had to. "You have to do this, you're already fat, you need to burn those calories you ate earlier. You've already gained weight. You have to do this, you have to. Your mom won't want you if you don't lose weight, who would want a pig for a daughter." She whispered to herself.

Within a few minutes she brought up the food she had eaten those few hours ago but she didn't stop, she kept going until she brought up stomach acid. Her stomach hurt and she felt sick and tired and had a headache coming on but she knew she wouldn't get fitter if she didn't continue. In her eyes she was fat but in reality she was thin, thinner than was healthy but her mind told her she was fat, that she was disgusting and she believed it.

That voice in her head that told her she wasn't good enough, that was her only friend, her only companion except for the kids she lived with. But she didn't trust them or listen to them like she did the voice. That voice may tear her down and ruin her everytime she listened to it, but it was still there, there for her, day or night, no matter the time it was there, it wasn't comforting but it was still there, she wasn't alone, not when she had that voice, not truly alone.