the unwanted child

Chapter 6 : They told me to kill her

It slit the knife across my neck slowly, not deep enough to hurt me. There was, however, some blood on the knife. It licked the blood on the knife while staring at me. Fear made me tremble and cry. It then placed the knife against my torso and warned me to remain silent or else the knife would be inserted into me. I was told to go to sleep. That's what I did. I remained motionless out of fear. In less than three minutes, I heard Gina's voice asking me what happened and how she ended up with a knife in front of me. I sobbed and told her she wasn't herself and that I was scared. When I reflect on this event, I wonder how she managed to act so well. Was my biological mother a sick person? Unbelievable. She apologized to me, said she didn't know what had gotten into her, and asked for my forgiveness, which I gladly granted. This was only the start of the demonic possession act. I couldn't sleep that night because I was afraid of what might happen to me. I despise everything, including my school, family, and life. I gradually began to develop rage. I didn't understand how that emotion felt at the time. The morning came, and I went outside to begin my daily routine. A sudden darkness descended as I approached the chopping board. "End it, end it, END IT!" the voices said as I held the knife. You are a curse, and no one loves you. You are nothing more than a bad omen. You have no value. "Kill yourself!" I held the knife to my chest with trembling hands, but like the voices, I realized I was weak and not strong enough to end my life. Then I heard it again: kill her, she's a demon. She is going to hurt Zack. You must protect Zack!" I told myself to get a grip. How could I? I'd never had a complete family, and all I wanted was for Zack to have a better life than me. I wasn't a fighter. I'm just a regular person.

I was going about my routine when I heard Zack cry. I dashed over to see something I hadn't expected to see. Gina was growling at Zack as she sat in front of his cord. Something in me snapped, and I remembered for the first time raising my voice. "Get away from him, you're frightening him." I knew I was going to pay for my actions, but it was worth it for my younger brother. Zack motioned for me to carry him. When I turned back to face Gina, she was snarling at me, and with that came a blow to the head. "Who the fuck do you think you are to talk to me like this?" said Gina. I didn't fall or cry this time. I smiled and slid Zack back into the cord so he wouldn't get hurt. She became even more enraged after witnessing my reaction. She kept throwing punches and kicking me in the stomach and rib cage. I burst out laughing even harder. When I reflected on this incident, I realized I had a psychotic breakdown. She inflicted more pain on me and forced me to cry. It was painful, but I couldn't cry any longer. She became tired and began to slow down. I reached for the piece of wood beside her and hit myself on the head and body while smiling at her. I remembered this incident like it was yesterday. During such episodes, people frequently lose touch with reality. I, on the other hand, was in a very dark place with voices telling me to do this. When she saw my behavior, she immediately came to a halt and yelled at me to cry. She believes that if you hit someone and they don't cry, they will return for vengeance. She then told me that she owns me and that I have no right to hit myself because she gave me this life. With that, she kicked me in the face, a tear fell, and I looked at her and said something I knew I'd regret. " mother, I will kill you". She exploded with rage at that sentence. She burned me and poured bleach over my wounds. All of this was witnessed by a baby. I'm curious about what went through his young mind. Every day, I prayed for someone to come and save me. I had hope, but as time passed, I lost faith in everything. Even when my neighbors saw the abuse, they closed the door on me. I begged them for assistance, but they ignored me. The world is a truly terrible place. I've lost faith in the world, and I don't trust people. Every day, I lost myself a little more. My sincerity. My dignity, I remembered thinking, perhaps a sex worker has more dignity than me. Everything was taken from me. I recall being tied naked in front of my house for being late from school. I had chili paste all over my body and face, I was screaming in pain, and my neighbors simply walked past me and closed their doors.
Since that initial episode of mental breakdown. I began injuring myself more in order to become numb to the pain. But no matter how numb I appeared to be on the outside, everything hurt on the inside. Gina began to get creative with her abuse. I detested the SARS outbreak. Everyone was told not to go to school. Our assignment will be mailed to us, according to the school. How was I going to complete the assignments when I had an infant to care for and a house to clean? When I noticed Gina spending her afternoon with Zack one of those days, I decided to take a short nap. As I was not permitted to enter the hall, I sat in the kitchen. I have a small corner in the kitchen that I can easily use for eating and other activities. She pointed me there, saying that's where my place as a house dog is. I fell asleep while sitting upright and awoke with a stinging sensation in my eyes. Because I was sleeping, she had ointment dripped into my eyes. I'm at a loss for words to describe the agony I endured. Worst of all, she tied me up and continued dripping the ointment into my eyes little by little; I couldn't even scream because she was sitting right on my chest. The more I cried, the more she hurt me. One hand was squeezing and punching my breast while the other was pouring ointment into my eyes. I can't remember the last time I went through a day without getting bruised. It was so unbearable for me that I wished for death. That night, I resolved to put an end to it once and for all. I waited until everyone was sound asleep. I heard them once more. "Do it right now!"