The Illusion Of Dellusion

Chapter 1

"So, tell us what happened." The woman in the white coat said. I looked down, ashamed. Feeling uneasy with this situation.
"You will say that I am mad." I answered coyly. The officer took a step forward but the psychiatrist stopped him.
"I will not," she answered softly, her eyes trying to find mine as I avoided her gaze to the best of ability. I couldn't help but huff my disapproval.
"Listen..." she said, dragging out the word to catch my dying attention. "I am trying to give you another chance, but if you do not want to cooperate, they will have to bring you in." I went silent. No, no, NO! I thought. Not that. I sighed, resigning myself. I looked back at her. My eyes bored into hers as if I could catch a glimpse of her thoughts.
"Just know that my conscience is the painter of this masterpiece." I said.

"It all started in the end of this hallway, the one right behind us with the flickering lights. I was in my white chamber, oh the sweet torture. When I started hearing a voice, so faint and soft. Music to my ears..."

"that voice, is the one you talked to me about?" the dame asked

"Do NOT interrupt me" I said swaying in my chair, swaying, swaying, SWAYING! "FOCUS JAMES!" I screamed to myself making the psy jump back a little and the officer reach for his gun.
"S-sorry" she said, her voice small and quivering.
"It told me to do things, things I never dared to imagine. The voice always got louder, louder and LOUDER" Was I screaming again, I can't seem to control it, I swear it's not my fault. I tugged against my restraints which were linked to the table. "I couldn't help it. It was real, I swear it's not actually me! I'm not in control! I am not MAD!" I slammed my cuffed wrists against the table. "The clock went tick, tack, tick, TACK! I banged my head on the wall, one, two, THREE times!." I let out a shriek at the sound of my screaming "Then he came and opened the door. LOUD! Too LOUD. I banged my head against his, I saw black and white stars, then red... My crimson colored hands took the pen, so neat, so clean, so sharp, so dangerous, were those hands actually mine or my mind's..." I went silent, the clock grew louder. "Then slammed it in his eyes." She closed her eyes, she knew I wasn't calming down any time soon. It felt like she hated me, yet she was there everyday.     
"I slammed it in his neck... blood was oozing everywhere, no more white..." I let out a sob. "NO MORE WHITE!" I screamed sobbing.

"Who opened the door?" the doctor asked cautiously. I couldn't help it as I smiled with my teeth, I loved how easily she was affected by my actions. She squirmed uncomfortably in her seat.
"The orderly of course," I said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the whole world.
"The blond one?" she asked and I nodded slowly keeping my gaze on hers as I tried my best to focus on nothing else, but her voice.
"James... no one went in your room, we found you, alone in your own blood." I looked at the cuffs
"Then what are these for!?" I asked, mad at the thought that I was always restrained, as if it was all actually my fault. Ding, ding DING! A bell, loud so LOUD! The doctor looked at me then at the door then back at me.
"Deep breath James, it's ok, it's ok, look at me, breathe" she said, trying to calm me, I breathed in and out, then in and out as I looked at her. She smiled, such a pretty sight
"Put him back in his room" she told the guard. I am not mad.

They uncuffed me, not even giving me the time to rub my red pained wrists, as they were  cuffing me again and dragging me out of the room. they brought me slowly and I dragged my feet on the floor. The doctor watched me go with them as if my situation wasn't even that important to her, as if I wasn't important to her. They got me to my usual room where a tall man with dark hair was waiting for me.
"Ready for our weekly session James" He asked with a satisfied smile. I shook my head no, begging him, I wanted to be alone, I hated everyone here except for MY doctor, HE isn't MY doctor. He told the guards to go away. I wanted to call after them, but the lump in my throat was making it impossible for me to speak, the air was difficult to breathe, it was like all the walls were closing on me. I blinked three times, trying to focus and everything went black...

***

I woke up all alone, surrounded by white. I was sitting on the cold hard floor, also white. I sighed loudly knowing very well where I was trapped again. I tried to get up, but I just fell over on my stomach.
"What the hell" I yelled loudly enough for anyone near to hear it clealry. I couldn't move, I felt paralyzed. I looked down and saw my least favorite thing, a straightjacket was wrapped around me, as tightly as it could be as if I would be able to get out of it anyways. I groaned loudly sitting up to the best of my capacity, a single tear rolled down my cheek before hitting the floor silently as many others followed. I rested my head on the wall behind me and gazed at the ceiling. Why was everything always so white in here, it was triggering and almost driving me insane. God damn it. What I would give for a little color sometimes. I felt empty, no thoughts whatsoever clouding my mind as I sat there for 20? 30 minutes? Maybe even an hour, who knows?