The Illusion Of Dellusion

Chapter 4

I woke up again, I felt anger rising in me, the type that makes you want to scream until your vocal chords rip apart and your heart leaps out of your chest. The type that made me wanna do bad things.

 “James!” I cried and sobbed under her harsh stare.
“What the fuck did you do to your brother?!” She screamed at me holding the bruised infant.
“I-I-I don’t kn-know.” I stuttered through sobs.
“Bullshit! You always do this, fuck things up and act like a fucking victim! You know what, you’re old enough enough to take care of yourself right? Huh, that’s what you want? I’M DONE BEING YOUR MOTHER!” She was yelling so loudly I couldn’t even hear my own sobs. Her voice filled my head.
“Take your things and GET. OUT. OF. MY. HOUSE.” she finished. I ran upstairs and locked the door to my room. 

“James, James, JAMES!” I heard being screamed as loud as possible as I came back to reality. I was being shaken and I couldn't even focus on one precise thing, my mind was fuzzy and I felt as if the room was spinning.

“He-hey doctor.” I stuttered in fear. 

“Hey it’s ok, everythings ok, you’re safe here.” She said 

“Tell me, what’s wrong, what happened?”

“My mum, yelling at me, ‘cause I had hurt my little brother, she kicked me out. She was yelling loudly, loud, SO LOUD” Was I screaming again? I never knew these days. She wrote something down, fuck. 

“I’m ok.” I whispered

“You’re not James, you were having a panic attack as that memory was invading your brain, you wouldn’t wake up.” She explained. I sighed loudly and turned my head, I couldn’t stand looking at her at that moment. I felt almost ashamed of myself. I couldn't quite figure out why, but it felt like I was supposed to feel pathetic about it. I wondered if she ever experienced it. Maybe she has them too. She doesn't look like a very stressed person though. She's always calm and smiling. Her life seems so nice, maybe I'm ruining it, I don't deserve her, I don't deserve this, I shouldn't be here. She cleared her throat, stopping my train of thoughts and my head snaped back up. My eyes meeting hers in a matter of second and the silence becoming thick, so thick you could've cut through it with a knife. The ticking of the horloge and the sounds of heels clacking against a hard ceramic floor coming from down the hallway could be heard.

“So how about you tell me more of…” She was interrupted by a knock on the door, followed by another and a third one. I inhaled sharply, closing my eyes trying to focus on something else. Three more knocks again.

 “STOP IT!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. The door swung open, revealing four men in weird uniforms. 

“Officers.” The doctor said, greeting them. I just glared at them. 

“We need to take you to the police station, where we'll put you in the interrogation room, Doctor Davis.” 

“Oh, but I wasn’t done with my morning session with James…” 

“Strict orders of detective Crane, he requires to see you right away.” The tallest one of them said cutting her off mid sentence. She huffed and got up. 

“I’ll be back later, ok? For now try to get some rest.” She said before walking out the door and leaving all alone. I was always on my own, but never alone. I hate it, so pathetic to be scared of my own mind. I was raised stronger than that. I shouldn't even be here. This is bullshit, I thought. Everything is bullshit, this world, this hospital and mostly me. I groaned and rolled my eyes at the walls.
"What the fuck are you looking at huh?" I screamed. I chuckled.
"Oh am I?" I chuckled more.
"I think you are very sexy as well." I flirted back to the wall. Then I felt stupid, ashamed, the wall was already stuck with the others. I just laid back on my bed to the best of my abilities. I hate this straightjacket, I hate this hospital, I hate this life, god damn it, I hate everything.

***

 I looked at the white ceiling. A voice started talking. 

“Doctor?” I asked no answer. “Annie?” I tried again, still no answer. 

“James...”

“Who are you?” I asked pulling the covers closer to my body as I trembled.

“Doesn’t matter who I am, what matters is what we can do together.”

“Can I at least give you a name?” 

“What?” 

“Yeah, like I don’t know, maybe like Bob or Mark.” 

“I- uh, ok you do you.” 

“Mark.” I said hearing it roll of my tongue smoothly

“Shut up!” 

“Hey that’s mea…”

“Listen to me!"

“Listening!” I answered with a smile. 

“You’re infuriatingly childish.”

“Doctor Davis, you’re dear doctor, kill her.”  

“Why? She’s nice.” I said confused

“Just do it, then you’ll be able to get out of here, isn’t that what you always wanted? Freedom.”

“It’s not worth it.”

“Think about it” 

I covered my ears with my pillow and tried to get to sleep. Nothing was working, the voice kept echoing in my head, ‘Do it’. I screamed to the top of my lungs, so loud that I thought my vocal cords would break for real this time. I turned and turned in my bed, the straightjacket was making it harder and harder to move. Air failed to fill my lungs. It felt like they were burning, my heart felt as if it was about to explode and just as I was about to give up on my final turn, the ground was removed from under me. I fell and it felt as if the world had slowed down. I felt a sharp pain and the last thing I remember is darkness, pure, welcoming and sweet darkness.