jjba headcanons lol

WHOOP WHOOP

WHOOP WHOOP THATS THE SOUND OF THE POLICE 🚨🚨

guess who got arrested?? everyone

joking some of them are visiting and they're shaking crying sobbing that the others are in jail
or they don't care who knows

so that's basically the topic of this whole chapter
they're in jail

Jonathan would never ever commit a crime he is literally every policeman's wet dream
he probably did commit a crime somewhere in part one but honestly most of the time he was just killing vampires and i don't think anybody cared in the 1800s

can u imagine if any of his family were in jail?? good lord
he'd keep his morals up abt it, especially if it was a crime that's that bad

if he was alive when joseph was around?? oh joseph WOULDNT SURVIVE
erina probably whooped him in the head with her umbrella right after she bailed him out bc who wouldnt??

jonathan would scold joseph, i don't think he'd do the same techniques as his wife but he'd definitely be a lil pissed

speaking of joseph, he has been in jail multiple times and nobody talks about it 💀💀

he'd probably greet the policemen cause he's basically there every now and then and the policemen just look at him in disappointment

"howdy fellas! how's ur day been? anyone punch you yet?"
"oh- its that joestar guy again. whatd you do this time?"
"what! what makes you say tha-"
"he got into a fight with some wrestler that pissed him off."
"hey I can totally speak for myself yknow? and for the record, I didn't do anything it was just self defense!"
"stay quiet, that's the same excuse you've said for the past 5 times you've been in here!"
"but it's true-"

Joseph uses the self defense excuse every single time and sometimes he's fucking with them or it's actually the truth
he's just a good fighter yknow

he pisses off the policemen AND his fellow cell mates he's insufferable in there

can u imagine him with Caesar in there as well?? the cellmates would never survive

they're the type to accidentally start a food fight because joseph threw his as caesar and caesar could only push harder and throw more food back at joseph

Joseph tries to make small talk with his cellmates and it pisses all of them off
he brought a harmonica with him as well and he basically sung their eardrums off

old joseph would ask for a lawyer if he ever got arrested. he will not tolerate any of this

if holly ever got arrested, joseph would be a MESS

he'd try to say some words of encouragement and be scared to death that his daughter was behind bars and would absolutely not care what crime she did

he is bailing her out IMMEDIATELY

he bails out everyone there has to be at least one time someone in the group got arrested on their trip to egypt and joseph has to bail them out every time

and jotaro. i don't think i need to say much since he canonically went to jail just like joseph (except we actually see him behind bars)

he scared everyone off. that is his own cell now
Star is there to keep him company, even if jotaro used him like a piece of shit in the beginning

"there's an evil spirit haunting me" he is bringing you FOOD and TOYS to HELP YOU give him some slack

josuke would not survive in jail. case closed. he also is just a good kid, like the only person he ever pisses off is rohan and his own mother

also his gramps is literally a police officer?? bro has to make sure he keeps his shit up

he quite literally can never survive in a jail cell. once those cuffs were on him he'd internally groan and complain

he'd cry about his hair
he counts down the days like he's stranded on an island and no one is coming to rescue him (in just a few minutes jotaro will bail him out)

Jotaro bails everyone out actually.

i think giorno wouldn't really give a shit about going to jail. he would never go to jail, despite the horrendous crimes he has committed
he takes "im only in trouble if i get caught" and RUNS WITH IT

im surprised no one in part 5 got arrested
where is the police in the series when u need them?? all the italian police here are shitty; even abbacchio just hear it from him

he'd scare off his cellmates tho. not like jotaro but it's much more calmer

would giorno escape prison?? it's a 50/50 to me

im skipping jolyne because half of stone ocean takes place in a prison and she was literally so miserable there

johnny also doesn't really care if he goes to jail but at the same time i feel like he'd be shaking crying sobbing and sliding down the wall

he gets emotional and so do i

his father bailed him out and it only added to his list of reasons on why everything would've been better if nicholas was here and johnny would honestly be so pissed and upset about this and how it only added to that list

he'd cry in his cell and after he got bailed out too because who wouldn't??
i would also cry

while josuk8 is all funny and silly to a lot of people, he's also a very determined person as well 😭😭

he's clueless sometimes i know but istg people make that his entire personality

he'd accept his fate with those cuffs around his hands like a goddamn man
he would accept it and the only time it didn't happen was when they told him to remove his sailor hat

he was like "no."

Josuk8 probably punched someone in there at least once (plus another when a police officer tried to remove the hat off his head)

or is josuk8's sailor hat glued to his head forever?? we'll never know

once he got bailed out and norisuke basically INTERROGATED him, Josuk8 said was that it was an ok experience and rated it a 7/10
(it lost points because of the hat incident)

that's it
thank you for coming to my ted talk