Clouds || E & C

twelve // 1.4.15 & 1.5.15 // ellie's POV

The days after New Years fly by super fast. There had been memories lost and memories made.

Okay, so I can't say that Carson kissed me for the first time. Those 'lessons' were all part of his little plan, I know.

I can't even say that he told me 'I love you' for the first time, since he actually had returned it that night of the snowstorm.

But, he had never, ever told me I was his everything. To know that he's actually loved me for all those years as best friends, but I'd never been someone else's whole before.

I don't try and stop and think about what our lives would be without each other, because I can't. It's impossible. Me and him need each other. I know that very much.

And that's why it's so hard for me to think about the separating future that's ahead.

I'm still moving away.

Honestly, I still fear talking to him about it because it's breaking my heart and I know it's breaking his, even if he doesn't show it. That night before the New Year's Eve thing, and just before we made up, I could tell just by looking at him that he felt hurt just even being near me. I hadn't even meant to lie, but he'd been right, I might've killed him if I left and didn't tell him...and we never said goodbye.

I might've killed myself.

Spending my last days with Carson, I can't help but long for the days way before, when we were kids. To think that he was in love with me then is so, so crazy, but it's sweet, because I'm pretty sure that I did have feelings for him growing up. Best friends was enough for then, so that we have more right now.

Tomorrow is January 5. We're leaving at 6, so I'll have the whole of the day, but it's the day I leave.

Carson stares out of his window, standing next to it and watching my parents move things in and out of their car across the street. Even though he seems happier than before New Years, I can see sadness in his eyes, and it's reflective in my own. "Are you done, like with your stuff?" he asks me, smiling a little.

"Yeah, most of it's in boxes, but the bulk of my things that you helped me with yesterday are in the trailer."

"Oh." he answers. I'm lying on his bed upside down, so I roll over, and I can see his expression is not a smile but a frown.

"Do you really want to watch them? I don't." I tell him, sitting up on the edge.

For a second, he doesn't move, but then he takes his gaze to me. "No." he replies finally.

"Come here then." He breaks away from the window and walks over to the bed, but he doesn't sit, instead, he flops face-down over the covers, his hands shielding his face.

"That's not what I meant." I say, but he just makes a grunting noise in return.

I get back up on the bed and attempt to pull his hands away, except he has gigantic hands and I have teeny ones. I give up after like two tugs and just sit up next to him, sighing every few seconds so he knows I'm annoyed.

After a while he looks up, studying my face. "You're not mad at me." he says, smirking. He sits up, takes my feet and pulls me to him in one fell swoop so I am forced to place my hands on his shoulders for support. I fight to keep my expression neutral.

"Yes I am." I tell him, pushing my hair from my face and not meeting his gaze. His warm fingers tip my chin up so he makes me look at him.

"No, you're not." he whispers, running a hand up my thigh. I clench between my legs on impulse as his fingers squeeze that skin below my hip bone. His lips come to my skin next, and I feel his tongue brush across my neck. When he kisses me right behind my ear, so many shockwaves run through my skin and it's impossible to stay still. I realize my own hands are snaking around his back and up to his neck, and I want to close the gap between us before I go crazy.