Step 10: Being Depressed.
The next few weeks were a blur of tears, sappy rom coms and too much alcohol. Don't worry, drinking alcohol is the least of my concerns when I'm going through my first heartbreak. I mean I've already pissed my parents off enough, what's some alcohol going to do? The last time they got really mad at me was when they caught Zachary kissing my neck which led to them ignoring me for two whole days. In our culture, that's almost a year. I eventually spewed some lies about how he was just a friend and goray are just friendly like that. I don't know if they believed me or are in denial but either way, they threatened to bring me back to Pakistan if shit like that happens again. And fuck if I'm going back there.
"There's another one Myra" Noah yells from my front door as he brings back a bouquet of roses
"Again?" I sigh, shoving my face into my pillow. Doesn't Zachary know I'd rather a box of ladoo than this? At least those don't make me sneeze.
"Bin them or burn them?" Noah asks, with an unamused glare at the roses "Does Zach not get the hint? You're over him and it's time for him to move on"
"Bin them. Last time I tried to burn them, I almost got kicked out of the dorms" I roll back over, picking my laptop off the ground "So, The Notebook?"
"Myra, I love you, but I cannot watch that again" He says as I hear the metal bin clank shut
"What do you mean? This is therapy for me! Don't you want me to be happy again?" I attempt to convince him
"Fine" He grunts, jumping into my cramped single bed. He squishes into me and then passes a tub of ice cream "I found this kulfi flavoured stuff from the Pakistani store; don't know if you would like it"
My mouth drops as I stare at him "How do you know what the fuck kulfi is? Oh my god I love you – I'm talking to the kulfi by the way" I beam at him as I grab a huge spoonful of the only thing that I know will make me feel better
We spend the next hour watching The Notebook and like clockwork, the tears come pouring down. I never thought I would cry in front of anyone, but at this point, Noah knows me like the back of his hand and I could give less of a fuck. But when he abruptly stops the movie and turns to me, I'm shocked at his exasperation.
"Can you fucking talk about it already? How many more times do I have to watch you cry to this scene before you talk to me about it" Noah shakes me
"Talk? Talk about what? About the fact that my ex-boyfriend treated me like shit? That I thought I was good enough for once? That I came to America to be this strong independent woman, but here I am sobbing to shitty rom coms over some stupid boy that called me fat" I shriek "So tell me Noah, what part of that do you want to talk about?"
As you can imagine, Noah sat stunned by my response. The truth is I don't know what to say. It sucks, it hurts and I wish I could cry to my mum about it. Despite all of Zachary's attempts to get back with me, I know my worth. I mean, I don't know how I know it, but I do.
Noah ends up falling asleep before the movie is over as usual, and I wake up the next morning to his arm languidly draped over me. Today he actually has an excuse to stay over because he's meant to drop me off to my aunt's house in New Jersey. Rushing, I pull out my best shalwar kameez and shake Noah awake.
A couple hours later, I'm at my aunt's house, staring at walls covered in Arabic calligraphy. I almost felt the vodka sizzle out of me. I sip politely at the chai she handed me as I nod and apologise for all the comments she's making at me.
"Aray beta, tum itni patli ho gai ho! Yeh kya hua? Aur tumhari shakal bilkul utri vi hai" She comments yet again
I don't know if she's talking about the excruciating heartbreak I'm going through or the hot Pilates classes I've been taking every Tuesday. But whatever it is, I agree with all her snide comments and pray to god I get out there as fast as possible.
As soon as I get back to my dorm, my phone rings like clockwork. Damn, Pakistani gossip moves fast. I apprehensively pick up the call from my mother, not sure what I'm going to hear today.
"Shahida Khala bata rahi thi ke tum bohat depressed lag rahi ho" She says, sounding more condescending than caring
"Nahi toh, bas me parhai kar kar ke thak gay thi" I attempt to cover up, concealing a sigh
Knowing I'm lying, she snarks, "Hum neh kya itni door behja ke tum depressed raho? Tumhara mizaj Pakistan me nahi sahi, America me nahi sahi, kaha behjun, chaand paar?" She exclaims
Moral of the story, mental health issues aren't taken seriously enough in our culture, and I wish that would change. Until that happens, I'll keep eating my kulfi and watching sappy rom coms to cope. Because god forbid I'm upset, I don't want to be banished to the moon.
*****
A/N
Wow, it's been a few years since we've posted an update. We really are sorry about it, but we are finally back with a new update. The comments on the last chapter made us realize that we left the story off at a weird cliff-hanger, but here's a new chapter to keep you guys guessing. Keep sharing your opinions with us, we love to hear them!
Until next time (and by that we don't mean a few years!).
Glossary:
Goray - White people
Ladoo – Pakistani sweet
Kufli – Pakistani ice cream
Aray beta, tum itni patli ho gai ho! Yeh kya hua? Aur tumhari shakal bilkul utri vi hai – Oh my gosh, you have gotten so thin! What happened? And your face looks so sad
Shahida Khala bata rahi thi ke tum bohat depressed lag rahi ho – Shahida Aunty was saying that you look very depressed
Nahi toh, bas me parhai kar kar ke thak gay thi – Not at all, I have just been studying so much that it's made me tired
Hum neh kya itni door behja ke tum depressed raho? Tumhara mizaj Pakistan me nahi sahi, America me nahi sahi, kaha behjun, chaand paar? – Did we send you that far to become depressed? Your attitude is bad in Pakistan, in America, so where do we send you? To the moon?
