transfem leosagi

internal conflicts

Leo's notebook/diary
It's been like a week since the insident and other me said that he doesn't like our splinter this morning I thought of yelling at him that our splinter was the best but then he spoke up and said "he seems homophobic if you ask me and I don't like that people should be able to live how they want" after he said that I looked down at my hands and just couldn't think then he spoke again "like I'm a guy that was born a girl I wasn't happy as a girl so I changed my gender and that can be very scary if you don't get support
from a adult" I instantly stud up at that. words like that always make me want to cry I never understood why but deep down I knew he was right.

End of journal entry
Leo started to cry as soon as he looked in the mirror he hated something about his appearance he always did but for some reason he couldn't understand why he seemed to just hate that he looked masculine. Leo quickly got up almost knocking over the chair in the process ' I shouldn't think like that I'm a man I have always been a man so why do I hate it so much' he thought his eyes widening as the last part went through his head. He quickly dismissed the thought that he could ever be a girl and just went to bed instead trying to clear his mind ' how could I think that way splinter would kill me if I ever tried to say I was a girl, maybe I should ask other Leo for help he said that he was born a girl so he should know something about what is going through my head and why I hate myself so much' Leo then tossed an turned in his bed at the thought he just had he didn't want to admit it but he had hated himself for a long time now and never thought that it was safe to tell others.

12:30 pm
Leo woke up crying and panicking he only had the strength to grab his blanket and use it to muffle his sobs as he felt his chest tightening and like the air was getting thicker the only thought he had was 'i'm a failure' over and over again his panic attack lasted the rest of the night getting worse then better than worse yet when morning finally came he didn't tell anyone he didn't even show up for breakfast in fear that they would find out he hated himself more then ever that morning so he told himself 'you don't need food your already fat enough that's why you hate yourself your a fat ugly freak' Leo was now shaking violently he felt as thought he couldn't breathe like air just wasn't their but it didn't feel like he was drowning like most people would think it felt like escape didn't exist Leo always said that you can escape drowning but this utterly dreadful feeling of puree hopelessniss the feeling of there being no escape scared the shit out of Leo he felt himself falling even farther like he was trapped in a black hole that could tear him apart.

Rise Leo POV
Other me didn't come to breakfast so I decided to go get him I was about to knock when I heard whimpers sounding so hopeless so weak it reminded me of before I transitioned to a boy when I was stuck being something I wasn't so instead of knocking I slammed the door open and scanned the room with my eyes till they landed on the other Leo's bed all I could see from the door frame was a lump under the blanket but I could tell it was the other Leo so I closed the door behind him and headed towards the other Leo that from my knowledge was having a horrible panic attack it was one of the most debilitating panic attacks I had ever seen someone have. I slowly started to stroke the crying lump where the turtle lay under the pillow and asked " hay are you alright with me touching you or does it feel uncomfortable I will stop if you want me to" I barely heard the small whimper that other Leo responded with "please don't stop it feels good"
I smile softly as I continue to rub the crying turtles back gently as to not hurt him "so what has been bothering you don't worry I won't tell anyone else if you don't want me to... and you don't have to tell me ether just if you want to you can always talk to me" I say quietly to not scare him or hurt his ears. He then emerged from the blanket he was hiding under and only said "I don't want to tell you but thanks for being there" as he hugged me tightly I instantly asked "are you ever going to let me go or do you just want something warm around" "warmth" other Leo quickly said before not talking again so we just sat there in quiet till his panic attack stopped.

( I was writing the panic attack part that didn't have rise Leo there based on a panic attack I have had and the part with rise Leo was how I felt my friend helped me through it so if it doesn't make sense it is based off of existence)