Idiots to Lovers (bxb)

14 | A Depressing Spotify Playlist

I walked home in a daze.

I loved him.

No, NO.

God. I love him.

Well. Fuck.

Even though he is annoying and frustrating and an absolute weirdo. Even though I had known him for barely a month.

But I loved him. It was as simple as that.

The realization was less shocking by the time I had reached home. I had been telling myself that none of this meant anything, but perhaps I had been lying to myself for quite a while now.

Perhaps I had loved him from the very first moment he'd sat down at that empty cafe seat.

But realizing this only led to a whole new kind of torture. I loved him but...what could I possibly do about it?

I dragged myself into the house, dropping the keys on the countertop. I could hear my sister singing to herself in the kitchen. She sounded cacophonous. Nevertheless, I walked towards the awful noise and plopped myself down at the kitchen table.

"Hey!" Jamie said, "What's up?"

I groaned and dropped my head onto the table. The torture I felt was getting less and less pleasing by the minute, as I now ran list of terrible scenarios and 'what if's' through my mind.

What if he didn't feel that way at all and it was all in my own mind? What if I tell him and he never speaks to me again?

I don't think I could bear not seeing him anymore. I'd rather continue being friends than mess everything up by saying things that would most definitely freak him out.

"The worst has happened," I said darkly to my sister.

I had fallen for him far too easily.

"Wow, dramatic much?" she teased, sitting down opposite me, "What's going on?"

I hesitated. Jamie would tease me mercilessly, but perhaps she would offer some advice once she's done. She's good at this sort of thing. "How do you hint to someone that you maybe...sort of like them?"

"You just tell them."

I stared at her. "I can't just tell him that!"

A sly smile spread across my sister's face. "It's that boy you went to see, you're finally admitting you like him!"

"I don't like him," I hastily said.

I love him.

"Sure sure, whatever." Jamie waved me off. "Just keep telling yourself that. Look, Clementine, at some point you've just gotta jump in head first and go get the things you want."

I did not like the thought of jumping in head first.

Jamie saw the expression on my face and sighed. "I assume you're going to just hang around and wait for him to make the first move?"

"Would he?" I asked, brightening at the thought.

Jamie rolled her eyes heavenward, her chair scraping unpleasantly against the tiled floor as she got up. She glared at me and smacked my head, grumbling 'idiot' under her breath as she left the room.

I spent the rest of the day lying in bed staring at the ceiling. Then I upgraded from that and spent the next few days staring at the wall.

I made sure to keep a depressing Spotify playlist playing at all times.

Getting out my phone, I sighed as I spun it on the table. We usually text every day, but ever since the last counseling session it has been radio silence. Maybe I should just say something. But what would I say? Would it be weird to just say 'hey'?